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Tuesday 6th December
Today has been a good day, I don't know how it happened but it's been ok. If Christmas wasn't around the corner it would've been better though.
I woke up about 5.30am, I didn't use a sleeping tablet last night so that was good. My temperature was fine, I hate taking my temperature, it's like waiting to have permission to continue the day if it's within the correct range, I panic a bit every time I take it.
I knew I needed to do the decorations...
We all have been hit with an unspoken blow and I am sure like me we want to protect our loved one by doing everything for them but at times I feel like I am walking on egg shells, I am frightened to say or do anything to upset him for fear of feeling guilty, I am never shore if I should get him to carry on with life's everyday duties on his better days or encourage him out and having the fear that if you encourage him out if he picks up a cold it's my fault, What Do I Do,
Hi not used anything like this before my mum started with a bad back..for about 12 weeks the doctors just threw lots of different pills at her..try this try that..eventually they did a liver scan which showed leasions?..a week or so after she had a ct scan which showed cancer everywhere lungs liver kidneys ribs pelivs spine and in her bones..shes terminal..the ongologist told her she would.have 3 to 6 months to live of she didnt have chemo i she did then maybe a extra 4 months..she decided against...
after a long heartbreakng year I found this , my brain has found every emotion you can think off ,after her having a stroke last Christmas and my mum fighting to stay her with us she had more horrible news of bein diagnosed pancreatic cancer in feb , we was all numb , I was a little selfish cause we never was really that close till the stroke and now I have my mum she loves me she told me :)
but lifes so unfair cause I got my mum n now shes bein taken away from me , im tryin to stay strong n I look...
Last night I had a melt down, I was ok until I wrote this blog and started to write a bit about my feelings. Then I overheard my husband talking to his parents on the phone, they do FaceTime as they live a long way away, my mum in law is great on the iPad at 84 years old!
I'm two and a half weeks in and at the start of the weekend I began to feel as though I'd turned a corner. The freshly-run-over-by-a-bus feeling was markedly reduced and my husband and the kids said I looked better. Well hurrah.
But it's often two steps forward and one step back with cancer treatment. Come Sunday evening and I was back under the duvet. Today's another sofa day - a disappointment as I'd hoped to be well enough to attend a Macmillan volunteer day with the community champs...
15 November 2016: Results Day
They are running an hour late. People go in, people come out. We sit there. One couple go in looking nervous, come out beaming. Sadly, that's not to be me.
"What do you know about the lump?" asks the consultant
"They said it was likely malignant"
"Well it is"
Way to break the cancer news...
Later: She's shown me the mammogram, told me the size, told me the plan to shrink the lump with chemo first.
"What bra size...
23 October: Small person drives an elbow into the top of my boob. Again. I rub it. Is that a lump? Pretty sure it wasn't there last time this happened. Yes, definitely a lump.
24 October: GP says it's probably a cyst, but she's referring me on two-week-wait because of my age (40)
27 October: Find a lump in armpit. S***.
31 October: Consultant. She thinks it's probably a cyst, and swollen lymph glands are not unusual in slim people like me (Yes! Result!). Sends me for mammogram...
Sunday 4th December
Today has been a nice day so far. Woke up far too early for a Sunday though.
I'm sat here doing this blog after a lovely walk on the beach, it was freezing cold, I put two pairs of trousers on and really wrapped up.
Our friends met up with us on the beach while we walked the dogs, that was so lovely. It was good to chat about normal things. We couldn't go in the cafes etc because of infection risk so we sat in the pub garden looking out to the sea, it was beautiful...
