Hi All - I'm back writing again.. tomorrow is the dreaded 4 month MRI. That amazing but naughty bit of machinery that looks inside and finds bad things!! I am sooooo grateful to whoever, well, invented it - but the fear that it instils? - what it can see that I can't or can't feel just scares the life out of me. But.. its a lie down for an hour with some music (I always choose the 'happy' music - its really good) and it means that if there is, god forbid, something there it will be found - and I thank the NHS for that!! I still feel so out of control - I started seeing a psychotherapist and she was lovely and she really made me think about the ways my brain was playing tricks on me. My fear is the unknown, the waiting - she said that the 'fight' part of our brain only remembers the bad news - the 'you have cancer' news and so every time you go to an appointment it wants to react the same - even if your consultant said you had won the lottery - this stupid frontal bit of the, supposedly clever, brain, says nope... don't forget that time they told you that it was cancer!! Makes you think. It fools you all the time, apparently, like if a dog bit you when you were younger you could still at 60 be afraid of dogs purely because of that event when you were 10 and it nipped at your finger (cos you were pulling its tail - you know you were!). I've been looking up MRI scans - weird stuff - question to the inventor - you amazing person, you found a way to look into our bodies and find things to help doctors find treatment - but why the hell did you make it soooo loud!!! OMG - scared the life out of me the first time - at one point I though aliens had landed.. So, scan tomorrow, bone fusion on Wednesday and hormone injection on Friday (busy week!) and results on Monday.. meantime, sitting it out, carrying on and hoping that my body has found the strenght to contain whatever is running around inside it - oh and carrying on working and sorting the ruddy family out.. hehe.. But I feel good - isn't it mad - I feel well and healthy (apart from a nasty cold last week!) but that's what others don't understand do they, in the main, we look 'normal', feel 'alright' and therefore must be cool - well sometimes we don't feel that way.. sending my best 2017 wishes to everyone... xxx
