I’ve just added my comments to a discussion thread and was praising the effectiveness of Mindfulness. It made me realise how far I’ve come with this and how it really has helped me navigate a wobble in my treatment. Without it, I would have been sailing in the storm, floundering around as the wind whipped up towering waves to crash onto the deck drowning me in my own tears and self pity.
That’s not to say I’ve been calmly watching from a distance, bathed in sunshine and happiness. I’m not quite that good….yet! I’d say I’ve been through a little squall that could very easily have built up to a big storm if I’d let it.
A week ago I went for a follow up with my oncologist. Having had 2 cycles of EC90, we were checking progress. The physical examination was not great. My tumour did not seem to be responding and was stubbornly remaining the same size (~ 50mm x 70mm). Disappointing.
On Monday I went for an MRI and a CT scan so that we could know for sure and change my treatment plan accordingly.
From the observation deck, I have watched as the following thoughts and emotions have swept in:
That’s a lot of emotion! The old me would have shut the curtains, curled up in a ball and sobbed for hours. Woken up the next day with swollen eyes and a headache and not done anything constructive for the rest of the week, thinking of all the bad things that have happened to me over the course of my whole life, all the bad things that are likely to happen to me in the future, culminating in my feeling of complete worthlessness and failure as a human being! Yes, I know, all a bit melodramatic, but not far from the truth.
Yesterday evening, I had an appointment with my oncologist to get the results of the scans and decide where we would go from here.
Gasp, shock, it was good news! Although the dastardly tumour had not done an awful lot, my lymph nodes have returned to normal size and there is no sign of the cancer in them anymore! It IS working!
The wave of relief was palpable! It was only when I felt this relief that I realised how much of a wobble I had, in fact, had.
Treatment will continue as originally planned.
Small hiccup in that the scans showed a chest infection so we will delay for a few days and let the antibiotics do some work. I can live with that!!!
Looking back at the week, I realise that I have actually functioned reasonably normally over this period of uncertainty.
I’ve looked after my son (who has been ill with a sickness bug), been on a date, gone for some lovely walks with my dog, eaten healthily, done some gardening and even went for a 5km jog yesterday morning! (Makes sense that it was a bit of a struggle now I know I have a chest infection!).
I would definitely attribute this ability to function to practising mindfulness. It’s important to note that mindfulness is not burying one’s head in the sand. I did still feel all those emotions I mentioned. Experienced them physically as well as mentally. My family and friends did notice my anxiety and lower mood. BUT, my reactions to the emotions were different. I didn’t get swept away with them and allow my thoughts to become my reality. I didn’t curl up into a ball, eat badly and lose my motivation to do anything constructive.
I feel really proud of my achievements here. If there’s a platform to test the theory, having cancer is certainly a robust one.
I’m not sure it works for everyone but I don’t believe it can do any harm to try.
If anyone is interested in giving it a go, I have been working my way through this book which has guided meditations:
https://itunes.apple.com/gb/book/mindfulness-enhanced-edition/id434878610?mt=11
You can also get it in paperback, hardcover, audiobook etc.
“ It’s not a matter of letting go - you would if you could. Instead of ‘Let it go,’ we should probably say ‘Let it be.’ ” ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn
