Hi, it feels pretty weird to write onto a blog, who will read it, who will relate, who will flick past it....
but in the end I guess that doesn't really matter too much, although I am the ultimate people pleaser, but I'm doing this for myself, to offload and come to terms with stuff.
A close family member was diagnosed around 18 months ago, initially there was positivity and talk of curative treatment etc but now we find ourselves in a land of palliative treatment/management and a prognosis of months of life left, yet who really knows how long that piece of string is...
so I am contemplating a lot today, of what has gone before and what may lie ahead....
and what help or support have I provided, very little I feel, it's weird when you have a family member going through something awful like this, that deep down you love but you don't really spend much time with, so how then to cope, and what to do.
to carry on as before? to see them rarely but have them within your heart as you carry on your day to dayness? or to increase that contact
I get so caught up in the what I should do to be a good person, that I quiet that voice in me that's saying something different, like you should go and see them more often, make the most of the here and now, but what if that's not what I want to do, what if that's too hard for me right now, what if that's just doing what I think I should do...
I want to be honest on here and with myself, sometimes that's really hard to do, I think I'm saying all of this because I cannot be this honest anywhere else and I want others to see that maybe if they are feeling similar, that is ok, we are all human, facing a terminal illness is hard and how to navigate it is hard too.
I think to offer support that feels doable for me, when I can, and to show up with love and kindness feels like the right way so that is what I'm going to settle with today....
much love to you all out there, dealing with your own, or others', situations xxx
