I will move on this time. I need to grow, I need to find myself. Who am i? I want to find out.
For once I feel that I am ready now. I may have taken my time but who was really helping me move forward. No one was, it was only me who could get myself out of the situation I was in. I needed time to realise that it was only me holding me back.
You see I have always had a guide and she was my rock. She was my best friend my enemy at times my comfort, my strength and my backbone. Yeah you guessed it she was my beautiful amazing mum. She was driven, confident outgoing independent. The qualities I wish I had taken from her. Instead I got shy, quiet, scared to try new things and live in my comfort zone at all times.
You see im afraid of change and little did I know that in 2015 the change would be the biggest event of my life. My mum had found out she had cancer in 2012 and she was given the horrific news that it was terminal cancer and she would hopefully get 2,3 years before the cancer would become untreatable. I am 16 at the time and clearly didn’t take it what I had been told. They had got it wrong for sure, she was my mum. To me I only watch the horror stories of cancer on the tv. For me though this was happening to my family. The treatments started straight away and it was all going to plan she was fighting it and she was still being a mum. Enjoying parties, concerts, awards nights. Cooking dinner for us all. Food shopping, cleaning. Life was still normal. Just some days she didn’t feel the best.
Skip forward to 2014 my papa had died in December. We had his funeral on Christmas eve and we were all there to comfort each other. A lot of family hadn’t seen mum for a while and they commented on how well she looked. She felt good within herself. Christmas day came mum still made sure the effort was made for Christmas the usual lovely gifts and the tasty dinner. We had my mum’s first grandchild their Oliver. He was still very young, crawling round the furniture. Looking back I did not know that would be our last Christmas together. I was not ever really aware of how bad mum was keeping she always kept it from me. I guess she was protecting me. She always did.
I realise now that mum knew I would not be able to keep carrying on my own life if I knew what was just around the corner. I was unhappy with my job as I was not getting out to socialise with friends and I had just turned 18 so I was really wanting to go out. My mum knew I was unhappy and she wanted to sort it out while she was well enough. My mum helped me write out the letter that I needed to come home to help with the farm at lambing time as my mum was not well enough to do it anymore.
It was the final day I still couldn’t quite believe it was my last day. We all said our goodbyes and I turned up in my yard to find my aunties car sitting. I had to feed my horses first as it was about 5.30pm. My auntie came to the door to ask me to come in. which at the time I did think it was a little strange why they could not wait for me to finish feeding the horses. I walked through the house to the downstairs living room I walk through the door to find my other auntie and uncle there aswell but I first spot a machine sitting at the door with a breathing apparatus I knew then what I was about to get told was going to change life as I knew it.
I am looking frantically about at everyone faces and I ask what’s this for?
My mums reply through teary eyes was it was all become apparent. She let us all know that she only had 2 weeks left to live and she was wanting to die at home.
I felt very numb and almost like I was not part of what I had been told more that I was looking through the glass to someone else’s house. The days seemed to pass very quickly and we tried to s spend time with mum the house flooded with people to visit mum, everyone leaving in floods of tears. They knew they would never see her again. We were all just waiting for it to happen. I found it hard to always be with mum. She had aged about 20 years in the space of a week. It was hard to see my once confident, independent beautiful mum look like an old lady who was too weak to even stand up.
I still remember a moment when she was still talking to us and for once it was just mum in the room and I slipped through to the room to see her. I think I knew then that I was beginning to loose her. I sat on the bed snuggled up beside her and she hugged me like she always used to when I was a little girl. I started to cry and I just said ‘im really going to miss you mum, How am I going to cope without you’.
I felt her pull me into her a bit tighter and she said with a broken voice. ‘
I know darling im your rock ament I’. That was the first time I really cried about loosing my mum. It was also the last time I spoke to my mum.
She decided last minute she wanted to go to the hospital to die as she knew I would not go back in the room again if she had died in it.
I walked into the room to find my mum in the hospital bed and she was just going in and out of conscious as when they get to the hospital they up the amount of morphine she can get to ease the pain. My dad talked to her to tell her that he was here and that I was here aswell she opened her eyes slightly and nodded at me but she looked exhausted. I remember holding her hand at the side of the bed. She was making a groaning noise the whole time now. I squeezed her hand and when she barley could grip mine I broke down and started crying so much just looking to my dad for some sort of comfort. No one had any words that would help though. Nothing could take away the pain we were all feeling at it was clear then that we all had to go through this pain. (Little did I know that I would feel as if I came out the other side of grief another person.) My mum screwed up her face when I was crying and she turned her head to face me almost as if that was still even on her death bed trying to console me. Her eyes did not open though. She was too weak and tired by this point to fight anymore. She had fought as hard as she could but she knew now she had to lie down and let mother nature do her work.
Dad and I decided to stay that night in the hospital as we wanted to spend as much time as possible with her and we wanted to be there when she died. My two aunties stayed aswell they were my dads sisters and my mums good friends.
They talked about her days when she was younger and we were all laughing and for a moment we all kind of forgot why we were all there. My mum had been groaning most of the day but for the past hour she was settled and it was just noticeable breathing. My auntie just happened to look over at my mum and could see she was taking her final breaths. My dad and I rushed to either side of her to hold her hand while my two aunites stood at the end of the bed. Telling my mum how we are all here and that we love her so much and she took her final breaths. By this point my whole body is shaking and im trying to hold back my tears and screams as I know I cant keep control of the pain im going to feel. My mum takes her final breath and she opens her eyes as to almost take us all in and I in my naievity thought that she was waking up I gasped and said ‘she is waking up’ almost like my last glimmer of hope of ever hearing her talk, my aunties once again said ‘its okay Jill we are all here.’ And she closed her eyes and one little tear ran down her face. It was then I just couldn’t keep strong anymore I was crying so much and screaming I was inconsolable. The nurses ran in and one of them held me so tight and tried to get me to calm down and said ‘she is not in any more pain now’ she is free from pain. That still didn’t help I was just so heartbroken that my mum was gone. Her body still lay there but she was completely gone, all her qualities her lovely smile, her caring voice, her laugh that everyone remembered about her and of course her blonde moments and her loving nature, her wisdom, her stories from her past. It was all gone within a few breaths yet and all that was left was her still body that had been beaten to cancer. We get asked to leave the room so they can change her in to new clothes. We went to this little room. Im still in shock and so numb to what just happened. I cant quite grasp what had happened. I write this almost 2 years later and it still does not seem surreal. I had lost a lot in my life my grandparents and lots of animals who meant the world to me. Nothing touched this feeling thought nothing, this was grief like no other. My mum and I were so very similar we were very sensitive and would cry about a lot of things. When ever we lost any family or pets we loved dearly the first person that would hug me to try and take the pain away was my mum. This was the first grief wept without my mother.
The weeks after her death were horrible for me I would cry myself to sleep every night just thinking about times spent with mum and my family and it felt like real pain inside I wanted to scream and smash things up. I wanted people to see how much I was hurting and it was not just mental pain to me it felt like physical pain. I would eventually get to sleep and I woke every morning for the first second forgetting the events that had happened and expected to go down the stairs to find my mum and dad sitting having breakfast like I have always knew. Then reality kicked in and I remembered that would not be the case. I put on a brave face for everyone I cried at night yet smiled through the day. I have never liked change it always gave me anxiety and my mum knew this and somehow she helped me fight the demons in my own head. What I was experiencing now was grief from the loss but also the anxiety of the change that was happening and not being able to pick myself up and get myself a job and move on with my life for the better.
I worked for my dad for the past two years helping on the farm and also doing riding lessons on the side with my own horses. The time has flew by I was just getting by really get up, do some work, make dinner go to bed. I feel I have been in a rut and I really wanted to do something with my life never quite have the energy or confidence to make a start. Missing my mum is not just in the back of my mind it’s a churning feeling in my stomach which is always gurgling waiting on the trigger to release it.
I feel now that 2017 is a new chapter in my life I feel I am ready to close the book as they say on that last very sad and tragic event of my life. It has taken me a while to realise, I know this, but it was only me who could change the way I feel. I have needed to build up the strength to try push past these demons in my mind put all my hurt and past behind me , not forget about any of it as it is a part of me which I never want to forget. I feel it has made me the person I am today. I feel a lot more that other people, I understand tragedies and pain. I am ready to become the best version of myself in every way, it will not be easy but I feel If I try to make the change now people will see I am fighting this battle myself. I am no longer naïve to the way of life like I once was. I have seen life I have seen death I have seen how short and fragile life is. I do believe that people should stop thinking that they have another 40/50 years as the time they have now they do not value. No one knows the future or what lies ahead but I want to enjoy my own life now like my mum did. In all her photos her smile is beaming as she enjoyed her life. She had a life she was proud of. I now want to try and build my life so one day I can look back and think ‘yeah, I done what I wanted’ I want people to see the real me this year.
A friend said to me recently that the one thing they remember of me was being ‘really quiet, but your not when you get to know you’. I want to change the views of others to show them im not just the shy, quiet girl ,scared of change. I want the real me to shine through the parts that Im trying hard to change I want people to say..
‘do you know who she remind me of.’
‘Yes, I can see it too’
‘Her Mother.’
