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after a long heartbreakng year I found this , my brain has found every emotion you can think off ,after her having a stroke last Christmas and my mum fighting to stay her with us she had more horrible news of bein diagnosed pancreatic cancer in feb , we was all numb , I was a little selfish cause we never was really that close till the stroke and now I have my mum she loves me she told me :)
but lifes so unfair cause I got my mum n now shes bein taken away from me , im tryin to stay strong n I look...
Last night I had a melt down, I was ok until I wrote this blog and started to write a bit about my feelings. Then I overheard my husband talking to his parents on the phone, they do FaceTime as they live a long way away, my mum in law is great on the iPad at 84 years old!
I'm two and a half weeks in and at the start of the weekend I began to feel as though I'd turned a corner. The freshly-run-over-by-a-bus feeling was markedly reduced and my husband and the kids said I looked better. Well hurrah.
But it's often two steps forward and one step back with cancer treatment. Come Sunday evening and I was back under the duvet. Today's another sofa day - a disappointment as I'd hoped to be well enough to attend a Macmillan volunteer day with the community champs...
15 November 2016: Results Day
They are running an hour late. People go in, people come out. We sit there. One couple go in looking nervous, come out beaming. Sadly, that's not to be me.
"What do you know about the lump?" asks the consultant
"They said it was likely malignant"
"Well it is"
Way to break the cancer news...
Later: She's shown me the mammogram, told me the size, told me the plan to shrink the lump with chemo first.
"What bra size...
23 October: Small person drives an elbow into the top of my boob. Again. I rub it. Is that a lump? Pretty sure it wasn't there last time this happened. Yes, definitely a lump.
24 October: GP says it's probably a cyst, but she's referring me on two-week-wait because of my age (40)
27 October: Find a lump in armpit. S***.
31 October: Consultant. She thinks it's probably a cyst, and swollen lymph glands are not unusual in slim people like me (Yes! Result!). Sends me for mammogram...
Sunday 4th December
Today has been a nice day so far. Woke up far too early for a Sunday though.
I'm sat here doing this blog after a lovely walk on the beach, it was freezing cold, I put two pairs of trousers on and really wrapped up.
Our friends met up with us on the beach while we walked the dogs, that was so lovely. It was good to chat about normal things. We couldn't go in the cafes etc because of infection risk so we sat in the pub garden looking out to the sea, it was beautiful...
It was been a sad week, my dear French neighbour, Marie, died. She had Parkinson’s disease and had been a light in my life for 20 years. What do I regret? Not buying her a top from M&S -I meant to, it would have made her smile! I regret not phoning more when we were in England and not liking her sausage and cheese cake (a family joke). I reckon she'd laugh to be on my Facebook feed!
Also my friends Amanda and Anne had birthdays, but they are no longer with us either -cancer, the big...
My wife was diagnosed in August 2015 having had Autoimmune Hepatitis for some years. Two bouts of chemo did not agree with her at all and they haven't given her any more treatment since. They tried Sorafenib but that also had an adverse effect. Her liver cancer has been stable for over a year, but the lung cancer was shown as slightly bigger on the last CT scan, although it's still small.
The biggest problem living day-to-day is fear of infection (she is 'very' prone to UTI's which turn...
Saturday 3rd December.
Last night I went to bed and thought, maybe it would be nice to listen to one of my playlists on the phone, what a bad idea that was. I realised that for a whole month I hadn't played even one solitary song. I usually have my music on in the car, when I'm cooking, if the radio isn't on, my playlist is playing away.
I cried and cried into the pillow, I just couldn't play anything, it all sounded wrong, I was annoyed at myself for crying, my husband...
