Monday 9th January 2017
Well after the euphoria of yesterday, today I came crashing down, to be fair I knew that nothing could match yesterday, but I didn't realise how fragile my emotions are.
I got up feeling positive, took my temperature, that's always an stress, but it was fine. I phoned my daughter to see how she and the baby were and then the district nurse to check I was on the list for the blood test, she confirmed I was and said she would see me this morning. Then I ordered some flowers for my daughter and I got the ironing board out to do some of the holiday lets bedding while I waited, and waited, and waited....I phoned the district nurse at 12.30 pm but got the answer phone, that was it, the worry started. It was like a runaway train once it started, the worry that she'd forgotten me.
My husband said 'stop worrying she will come in good time.' I could've screamed, I told him if she didn't come there'd be no chemo tomorrow so no visiting the baby. I knew the blood samples went off after lunch time and they had a long way to go to the hospital so time was getting short. For a few seconds I wished he could just live my life for half an hour, to feel scared of nearly everything like me, to have to think about what to put on my head every time I go out, to worry about every bloody thing, teeth, gums, what to eat, what not to eat, aches pains....aaargh! I felt so mean though because I love this man with all my heart, this man who has been so fantastic and supportive, not just now but for thirty two years. I wouldn't really wish half an hour on him at all, I don't think anyone would understand unless they've walked in my shoes. I feel like I'm living in a different world to my family when I feel like this and I don't like it at all.
He was right though, the nurse did come, she had a couple of goes at getting the blood and went on her way. So then I started to worry about the results, the wait for the phone call to tell me the chemo would be delayed. Last time they phoned late, 7pm so it was playing on my mind.
I busied myself for the afternoon but couldn't relax, my husband thought it would be a nice idea to go straight to daughter no 2 after visiting daughter no1 to finish fitting her kitchen, of course it did make sense, it needs finishing, in my life before cancer I would be excited about going away for a week or so, but today all I felt was worry. What if the chemo wasn't as kind to me this session, what if I get an infection while I'm away, all the what ifs were creeping in. All the extra stuff to pack, not like before when life was simple.
Anyway I decided to go to the supermarket to get some bits to take as we were away for longer now, plus it would pass some time and I wouldn't be waiting for that phone call when I was out. I put my wig on and off I went.
When I was getting some bits in the supermarket I could feel my wig slipping up, it was because I had a thick scarf on and it was pushing it up so I kept pulling it down, then I took off the woolly scarf. There were people chatting and going about there shopping, it was weird but I felt different, maybe it was because I was on my own, the man on the till was lovely and asked if I'd had a good day, err, yes, I said lying, with a smile on my face. I went out to the car park and it was pouring down, well at least my hair won't go curly I thought. On the way home I started to cry, I was on my own in the car and all,I could think about was how sad it was that I am scared to go away for a few days, I am desperate to see my new grandson and I will go, but I'm scared at the same time, why is life so cruel.
When I got back there'd been no phone call to cancel the chemo so that was a plus. My husband must've realised how stressed I was about it because he just gave me a big hug, well that was it, the waterworks started again, he asked me why I was sad, so I told him, I told him I was scared of everything, going away, infection, etc etc, I told him I hated what my life had become. He listened to me and then said that we would go whenever I felt ready and come back when I'd had enough. He said all the right things and it made all the difference, it didn't change anything but I felt that he understood how difficult I was finding things. I always put on a brave face, but sometimes it backfires and people think I'm fine, when really I'm not.
So we are going to visit as planned tomorrow after the chemo and we will go on to daughter no2 on Friday and take it from there, no pressure.
What I've learned from today is that I need to talk about how I'm feeling and not bottle it all up. As brilliant as my husband is, he is not a mind reader, and neither am I.
So tomorrow all things being well I will be half way through the chemo sessions, I'm sure that will make me feel happier, I just need to stop this worrying, Ive got a book, had it for years, I need to read it again, it's called 'how to stop worrying and start living' guess what I'll be reading tonight!
Stop this ride..I want to get off!
