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Well just a few more days to go until the end of the dreaded month of April. All in all, it has been been a good month. No major health concerns, much less vivid reminders of the horrors of cancer treatments, basically it has been everything I ever dreamed of.
Still, time rolls on and I remain blissfully uncomfortable. I won’t bore you with the details but I can’t stop myself trying to find the answer to the unanswerable question. Last April, I needed a fast-forward button. Now I need a pause button...
Well its been 3 weeks since my diagnosis of Vulva cancer. I don't even like using that word, no-one knows where or what the vulva is. So I just say I have cancer of the groin. I say that because I find it hard to sit down and get in and out of my car, even walking hurts now. But what hurts most of all is peoples misunderstanding of the emotions you go through on a minute by minute basis. Do I start making a will, do I arrange my affairs, do I book a holiday, do I plan to go a concert in 2 months...
Heartbroken. Numb. Tortured. Relieved. All words describe how I feel today. Had only just set out today when I had the call from my brother. He had arrived at the hospice and had given mum a kiss when she let out a breath. It was to be her final one, she had waited for him to arrive. I am devastated that I wasn't with her but at the same time comforted that she wasn't on her own.
I don't know if I shall post any more blogs. It's time to grieve, and for now I can indulge myself and say...
I'm sitting with mum on my own writing this today. Arrived about 1pm, my brother had been here since just after 8.30am. Mum was asleep, but there was a noticeable difference in her breathing today. This is something I've almost been looking out for, another sign that she is nearing the end. She's been quite settled all day, just a little agitation, but nothing really to talk about. That is, until my brother went to leave, and there was a definite reaction. Was it because he was fussing over her...
Another emotionaly exhausting day.
Got to hospice and mum was so much more settled today, dosed up on whatever. She was sleeping soundly, just with the occasional ramble.
There was a lot of us there this afternoon, mainly immediate family. I told my brother that I no longer want other people visiting Mum, I don't want them there, this is our time now. Feel selfish, but it's what I want. Mum's had days where it's exhausted her with the numbers of people coming, that's the down side of open...
23/3/18 My Sis went into hospice for some respite care.She was spitting up white froth and gagging every few minutes.So a stent was inserted 7/4/18 and that did stop the spitting up and gagging.But it is painful for Sis all time where stent was inserted, she says only time she is without pain is when she is asleep Hospice say this should get easier,but I have my doubts,though I will not pass my doubts on to Sis.Drinking a little and has even enjoyed a liquidised doll sized meal,so that was good.Sis...
Exhausting and emotional day. Up until yesterday mum was aware and coherent, but thats all changed. I feel i now understand my mum's actions last night. I'm sure she was saying goodbye to me. She may still be here physically, but my mum has gone.
Had a phone call this morning from the hospice, mum had become very confused and not aware of where she is. They didn't want us to be alarmed when we arrived, it could be distressing. When I arrived at 11am she kept asking where she was and seemed...
The Phoenix Rises
Imagine the feeling just after Christmas 2016 when I felt a lump in my left breast. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
The message from the media is to get these matters checked out ASAP.
I was referred to the Breast unit at Broomfield Hospital and had an ultra sound and biopsy in March 2017. The early indication was that I had a “malignancy which would need treatment”. Despite the absolute professionalism and kindness from the Biopsy team tears did follow; given the “shock” as I had hoped it was just...
Mum was worn out today, had so many visitors, 12 in all, too many really. That's the down side to having open visiting, at one point there were 7 of us. Everyone means well, and it's lovely that they want to see mum, but it's just so tiring for her.
Mum's room is lovely, with views over the garden, but because of the pain she is in she couldn't turn her head to see it, so the nurse did the next best thing- she turned mum's bed round to face the window. I'm not sure if mum was bothered...
Long day at work today, got so much to do, feels like I've put it first, but need to spend some time helping sort things for an audit. Some unexpected rule changes have come to light and s**t could be hitting the fan. Failing the audit could mean problems for us, big problems, so selfishly I'm thinking long term. Can't afford to have to think about having to find another job. Managed to go a little early, so got to mum at 4.45, and spent a couple of hours with mum. She's hooked up to morphine...
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