Well its been 3 weeks since my diagnosis of Vulva cancer. I don't even like using that word, no-one knows where or what the vulva is. So I just say I have cancer of the groin. I say that because I find it hard to sit down and get in and out of my car, even walking hurts now. But what hurts most of all is peoples misunderstanding of the emotions you go through on a minute by minute basis. Do I start making a will, do I arrange my affairs, do I book a holiday, do I plan to go a concert in 2 months time?? I have no idea on what to do, my head is a mess. I'm still working right up until my operation date 2nd May, if anything thats keeping me sane, giving me something to get out of bed for. But its taking its tole on me. People keep on saying to me I look tired, but they don't know what is wrong with me, only my boss knows. I haven't told my clients and I dont't know whether I should. I work in a drug and alcohol rehabiltation centre supporting people to overcome addictions and get into recovery. Something I am going to have to do my self, but mine will be recovery from cancer. Its like unless you have actually had cancer and heard those words come out of a doctors mouth towards you, you will never truly know the effect it has on you. Its like a unwritten and unsaid death sentence (harsh I know) but thats what people think when they hear the word cancer. It doesn't go away it needs to be treated, but the treatments are so invasive and so painful, I do respect people who choose not to have treatment. Especially if they know it will not increase their time. Presently I have 4 days wait until I have my surgery, but each day I can feel my tumour growing and growing and the pain increasing, I have to have this surgery, I can't live like this for much longer.
