Another emotionaly exhausting day.
Got to hospice and mum was so much more settled today, dosed up on whatever. She was sleeping soundly, just with the occasional ramble.
There was a lot of us there this afternoon, mainly immediate family. I told my brother that I no longer want other people visiting Mum, I don't want them there, this is our time now. Feel selfish, but it's what I want. Mum's had days where it's exhausted her with the numbers of people coming, that's the down side of open visiting. She's sedated up to the eyeballs and not obviously aware of who is there so their visits aren't for mum's benefit, it's for their own.
The last couple of hours there saw mum becoming more & more agitated again, so we called the nurse who administered more meds to try to help her. There did nt seem much difference however, it seemed mum was writhing about in pain, but she's on so much morphine I can't see how she can be. I'm guessing it's 'terminal agitation' that she is experiencing, and it's really upsetting see. Watching someone you love so much in so much pain and not being able to help them is one of the worst thngs imaginable, and I'm crying writing this. I can't believe I'm admitting it, but I just keep wishing the end would come soon for her. So that's where I am this evening - wishing my mum would hurry up and die.
