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It's 3 months since my lovely man died. Sometimes, it feels like yesterday & at other times, it feels like ages. The emotions swirl around and I switch from sadness to anger to guilt to misery. Some of the really gut-wrenching crucifying eviscerating pain has deadened but it wouldn't surprise me if it came swirling back like a whirling dervish and smacked me in the guts.
I know he is dead. I've visited his grave often enough, but still the tricksy little brain says, 'Perhaps he's gone...
A diagnosis of sorts, and a prognosis. Rather quickly after my PET scan on Friday, the liaison nurse phoned with a summary of the findings (we said it was OK to talk about it over the phone).
It's ain't good. Although it's still unclear where the cancer started - there's no major primary tumour they can see - it has spread to a number of my chest and neck lymph nodes. To summarise: it's looking strongly like 'CUP' (Cancer of Unknown Primary), which is bad news. It's difficult to target chemotherapy...
Theres one thing i hate - well theres quite a few things, but the number one thing is blood tests. Only my left hand side allowed for the blood letting and i have one vein thats ok (in my hand) and another that plays ball very occasionally.
BUT i am a grown-up and so off i go taking a book as the waiting time can be horrendous. 'shall i come in?' asks hubby who doesnt understand my hatred of phlebotomy! HA no way (said it a bit nicer than that - just!). in and out in ten minutes, lovely...
My daughter had her 6 month "watch and wait" appointment this morning. She was diagnosed just over a year ago. First appointment was 4 months, then they let her go 6 months so she was back this morning. Her bloods haven't changed - good sign - but she has lost a further 11 lbs from last time and her spleen is slightly more enlarged. She has to go back in another 4 months for a CT scan of her spleen and they may treat it with radiotherapy. Her consultant is pleased that her bloods are staying steady...
So far so good. Chemo started yesterday and apart from them having trouble with my veins (they didn't want to play) all was ok. Glad I'll have a portacath by the next lot.
Felt a bit sick in the night, but nothing I couldn't cope with. Hope it stays that way!
So the past few weeks have been hectic and eventful.
So many extraneous things going on in the family, i.e., legal issues with visitation for ex's parents with the children; family visiting from Los Angeles; new splint issues for poor little Emmie, which included having to buy a pushchair on the spot ona day out because she could tolerate the splint; school starting soon and school clothes/shoes shopping. Then, there are the people I love overseas who are struggling and could greatly use my help...
On Saturday, Irene was off at a course, and I went to get another tattoo. I've had it in mind ever since being diagnosed, and had got as far as printing the design and keeping it in my wallet for reflection. But as I was in town to visit the library, I dropped in at my regular tattoo shop to check the feasibility and get a costing. As it happened, they told me that it was fine apart from a trivial change to the punctuation size, and if I wanted, they could do it straight away. I went for it.
Help please,
from what i've read and by my experience, food is a non event but i just wondered what everyone else finds tasty or at least bearable. my list is virtually empty and with the brain drain i cant think clearly.
i only have an appetite for one week in 3 so would like to enjoy a meal or two in that time - is this possible?
thanks
Karen
cant face shower today, have a nice day planned and a shower would not help my mood. luckily i can wash with my eyes closed whereas if i attempt to shower with eyes closed I wobble and might fall over.
Also going to attempt makeup.... might be interesting since most of eyebrows have left me - traitors!!
so off to bathroom.....
