So the past few weeks have been hectic and eventful.
So many extraneous things going on in the family, i.e., legal issues with visitation for ex's parents with the children; family visiting from Los Angeles; new splint issues for poor little Emmie, which included having to buy a pushchair on the spot ona day out because she could tolerate the splint; school starting soon and school clothes/shoes shopping. Then, there are the people I love overseas who are struggling and could greatly use my help and support. I need at least three of me!
In addition to these, I am now meant to give John injections between chemo treatments to keep WBC up, his memory/comprehension is still deteriorating - just enough to make it noticeable to me, but not rapidly, he has a new issue with shaking, he's sleeping more, has on-and-off fevers, zero ability to plan ahead ... and aside from the new injections, he doesn't notice any of it. I don't know if these are just late-bloomer side effects of treatment, or sneaky side effects of the tumours, or what. Scans show brain tumours either staying the same or shrinking, but these symptoms seem to contradict. Unless, as I said, they are something to do with treatments. Nevertheless, he is able to do very little. He can make a sandwich for the kids or himself, he sometimes will do the washing up...but cooked meals are a "no," as are laundry, hoovering, dusting, driving anywhere, making any sort of plans for anything, etc etc.
I'm worried. I'm worried about these things above, but also worried about the subcutaneous tumours that are not responding to chemo. So far, with the two biggest ones, a series of radio treatments are done to shrink/control them when they get to be a certain size. Oncologist says it's, "to get them before they break through the skin." He has new little ones poppoing up all over, and other, older ones, growing all the while. I guess this means we just watch them and then, once they get to a certain size, they get zapped - over and over with the long drives back and forth daily to hospital. But what about the ones they don't want to zap because they're too close to mucosal tissue? Like the one in his upper lip that is still growing? They don't want to operate, they don't want to zap it...will they just let it go until it's a big open sore or what? These things get me thinking that it may not be long before there are upsetting sores on him that can't be dealt with. I know I can bring this up with oncologist at the next appointment, but what sort of anser will I get? How will the children react? How many of these will ultimately be there?
I find I am often preoccupied with what things might be like in the future, rather than doing what is healthier, and staying on track for today. I find I spend a lot of time on the computer, on facebook, etc., just trying to find something else to think about. This can't be healthy.
I'm meant to take the kids out to get school shoes today, but haven't even showered yet. I think this is depression. I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago, but amid the discussions about early menopause (not thrilled with that), and benign lipoma tumours (also not thrilled), I failed to mention the depression and anxiety that seems to be pressing on me each day. I'm eating more than I should, and most of it crap. Another dubious coping skill I wish I were able to get off my back. Pretty soon, I'll have to buy a whole new wardrobe as my fat behind barely squeezes into my already quite large array of clothes.
My recent visit with my mom's sister and her husband was really good for me. But now that they're gone, I find myself depressed at the fact I haven't any close relatives or friends around me. Lots of family and support and friends for John. None for me, except as "by proxy" which isn't the same thing. I would so love a weekly coffee morning with someone who can speak at a semi-intellectual level. Putting the world to rights and having a laugh. I feel quite desperate for this, actually.
I have recently been revisiting my desire to go back to school to get a useful degree (my degree in theatre arts and philosophy isn't helping, lol). Since the age of about 16, I have had the desire to learn more about, and possibly practice, counselling in some form. I took a few psychology and related science courses at university, and although I was very interested, my love at that time was (and is, still, in some respects) with theatre and philosophy. But as I have travelled the latter road, I now would like to explore the former, with an eye to volunteering support and on to eventually practising properly. I think to myself this would be a good way for me to get out and to be active in a like-minded community, as well as boost my confidence and stimulate my intellect.
However, the logistics of it all, including the cost, is a bit daunting. With all there is to do, how I could try fitting that into play is beyond me. So, instead, I have ordered some books to feed my curiosity and intellect in the meantime. Better to spend £80 on used textbooks than to enroll willy nilly into school I can't afford monetarily or timewise. For now, the reading should do, except for the human contact and exchange of ideas that I so crave. I haven't a single person in my life right now that could have with me the kind and type of in-person conversations I enjoy; that make me feel excited and alive. This in itself is depressing, but together with everything else, I find I feel quite isolated and dragged down. Everything is an effort it seems.
At least I have some freed-up time coming witht he kids going back to school and can look forward to my new books. Giving thanks for the small things :)
