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Sunday 27 th November 2016.
Today was a strange day, I got up feeling ok, actually I was awake at 4.30 am but got up at 7am. Did the temperature, tablets and let the dogs out, gave them breakfast, all the usual things, had a shower and then couldn't get the thought out of my mind that my throat is still all red on one side when I look and a little sore, the chemo nurse insisted that any sign at all of infection over the weekend I must phone the chemo help line, she said they'd rather sort...
Today I woke up with a sadness in my heart that I'm struggling to shift. I don't even know why, there's nothing in particular that I can say has caused it today. People use the phrase the weight of the world on your shoulders and that's exactly what I'm feeling. I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face and I'm not even sure why.
I can't even begin to imagine the emotions mum feels every day.
the only person that I feel I can talk to in the whole world...
Hello - I write this in the hope of helping someone else who may be on the verge of making a decision about their treatment. I encourage you to stop for enough time to think and FULLY explore your options. Ask questions. Ask them again. And then ask them again. Please do not let family, friends, professionals rush you into a decision. It is YOUR life and YOU will be left with any residual physical challenges to deal with, not them. Ask questions MULTIPLE times. Ask the same question to MULTIPLE people...
I had a difficult nights sleep last night as I layed there worrying about her diet. It's something I am unable to help with and I'm watching her eating foods that in my mind are not helping with her nutritional balance.
I've started to write a recipe book to give to her parents - I'm hoping they won't take offense?
So today I went back to work after a week off. I have never felt so guilty in my life! It's a rock and a hard place situation, I need to work to pay the bills but mum also needs my support at home. I'm at the stage just now where I'm petrified to leave her side in case something happens, what I don't know its just an anxious feeling. I also want to spend as much time as possible with her as I know that at some point in the near future I won't be able to.
Work was so busy...
This evening was time to have her hair cut. What was planned as a 3 week gradual thing slowly getting shorter turned into.... I think I will have it all cut off now.
She sat there looking at her reflection in the window as her hair got shorter, then the clippers did the rest.
I've never seen so much hair on the floor but yet so much was just falling out the night before.
I'm glad in a way it's happened sooner rather than later as I've been really worried about her getting upset about...
No drive to the hospital today, which has been a nice break. The drive to the Christie Hospital takes about an hour each way, so getting weekends off from that is very welcome. I am proud to say that I made good use of the extra time too, vacuumed my carpets and caught up on my washing.
Ned has felt very nauseous again today, and has had quite a bit of bleeding from his nose. We have no idea if this is normal, it's horrible. I have popped a question onto the forums, to see if anyone else has experienced...
26 November 2016
So the last 3 weeks of my life have been life changing for me and even more so for the special person in my life.
Only 32years old, going to boot camp fitness classes 3 times a week she began to get a cough.
After a few days of nagging she finally got some cough medicine from the chemist but of course this didn't work.
Whilst I was away I recieved a photo of her at the doctors on a nebuliser. In my mind I was saying to myself - I knew this would happen she doesn't look after herself...
Well I saw the consultant surgeon who did the Ivor Lewis and removed 10 lymph nodes. Unfortunately 4 of the lymph nodes had cancer cells in them, so I have been given a 20-25% chance of survival up to 5 years. I may live beyond 5 years or, I may not live as long as 5 years. It may return within 18 months as apparently it is an aggressive type of cancer. I feel like I've been given a suspended death sentence. However if I didn't have the surgery I probably would not have as long as that! At least...
