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Five and a half months down the line and the numbness has worn off with a vengeance. Reality with a big R. This is it, girl. You are well and truly on your own.
I find myself in such a weird place. I had thought I would be glad to see the back of this year. It's been so very very tough. But now it approaches, I'm afraid, sad and wistful. I'll be further away from my time with D. In moments of painfully blinding clarity, I understand that I am very slowly starting to let go of little things. I'm...
It's now the end of Movember, and all around me folks have been growing the most ridiculous moustaches. I'm particularly aware of them this year, because in August this year I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. The 'cancer' tag brings a lot of baggage with it however not all cancers are equal. Testicular cancer, if caught early is nearly always survivable and almost 3 months on I'm back to doing all of the things I used to do. The earlier it is diagnosed the less treatment you'll have to endure...
the point of me moving in with my mum was so i could support her,emotionally,physically and financially.
im an emotional wreck,mostly in serious denial that anythings wrong, havent been paid 6 of my pays since ive been here so mums supporting me and the mortgage. and physically unable to do most the stuff required around renovating the flat as not knowledgible or able to do whats required.
am falling apart and feel so damned useless.
Hi, well todays been a rough one, theres been lots of tears in the house, including me. its horrid to see your once very strong and independant mum turn into a totally dependant one who sleeps all day and cries like a baby when she is awake. I wish this wasnt happening to her, i wish i could take it all away and bring my mum back, but i can't. I dont know how i will cope for the forseeable future. we are supposed to be moving into a bungalow next month too and im all on my own so have no idea how...
With everything going so quickyl downhill lately, the young ones are well aware how poorly daddy is. One tries to stay out of the way and avoid it all by going upstairs to play; one draws pictures and makes cards and sings to him, trying to will him better; the other gets drinks, takes rubbish, brings food, holds his hand. But none of them are safe from his hurtful words. He says them without realising. The old version of him wouldn't dream of speaking tot hem in this way. But the tumours on...
Its not death that scares us, we are born to die, death is inevitable, death is a new begining like life is the path to the end. We are used to live with death on our side and therefor we respect the life even more.
The fear starts when love wraps our life in layers of despair for we dont die and vanish in abiss, we live behind an empty space, a stench of suffering and lost for what we love and live for. Alone, unloved and dying without bringing suffering to no one or dying sorounded by loved ones...
