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M is in hospital to try to control his pain. Maybe that's the good bit. The bad is that the pain has been horrific and the meds to try to control it have been worse. The cancer has now spread to his sacrum, the base of the spine, leading to intense pain in the sacral nerve which I know is incredibly difficult to control. He was given increasingly larger doses of MST and Sevredol which caused terrifying hallucinations and confusion, then he was given diclofenac, amitriptyline and eventually, last...
Here goes ........
18 years ago my Dad was looked after by Macmillan nurses. (He was dying at home from bowel cancer, primary in the liver.) The nurses helped my Mum and helped me, too. How can I forget what I owe them, for making me Dad's departure from this world 'easier' for him, for being there for him and for my Mum and for me.
I would like to say my man received the same sort of wonderful care when he was dying. Yes, he did speak occasionally to a nurse at the hospice, but his...
It's been just over 48hrs since my Mum was diagnosed. It still doesn't feel real...I feel numb...I can't fathom what we have just been told. 6 weeks ago, we thought she had a bout of sciatica...and now, we've just been told my Mum may not be with us next Christmas.
Afraid. Numb. Shock. Upset. Angry.
It's not real...
I'll write down the timeline shortly, to explain how we are where we are now. It's shockingly fast and unimaginably unfair. But right now, I/we are still dealing...
Swanney: Would sir care for a starter? Some garlic bread perhaps?
Renton: No, thank you. I'll proceed directly to the intravenous injection of hard drugs, please.
I couldn't help thinking of this scene from Trainspotting today; it's been a veritable banquet of intravenous drugs, the main courses being - since they still don't know the primary site - a general-purpose double whammy of docetaxel and cisplatin. I can't remember the exact order, but it started with a savoury course of saline...
On Monday 17 Sept I ran a temp, was admitted to a ward in the cancer centre and was told theyd need to keep me for a couple of days while they hunted down what was wrong. they ruled out chest infection, urine infection and every other infection.... took loads of bloods then as i refused canulation meant they had to investigate why my port had never given blood and was now refusing to take meds/saline.
problem solved by some very determined and caring nurses - even if at every meeting they said patient...
Although dry today it was a very grey and dark dawn today and it didn’t look promising at all. I didn’t have any plans for today, sat on the computer and sorted emails and messages out, a lot of work to catch up on. We decided to go to Wincheap to buy dog food and a toy for him so when we were ready off we went. The road were empty not a lot of traffic which is unusual so it was a pleasant trip. In Pets city we bought tins of dog food and treats and one of those toy balls where you put a treat...
and by that I mean my second attempt to get 5 mins to write before I hear little voices(and big voices) looking for 'Mammy, I need,,,' and 'Mammy I want....' But in saying that they are my reason for being so determined to do this 'cancer thing' with a smile on my face as much as possible and with a positive outlook - there is so much life waiting for me long after I will have waved cancer goodbye.
So basically, I'm 40yrs old and have 5 children, with 4 who range from 4yrs...
