M is in hospital to try to control his pain. Maybe that's the good bit. The bad is that the pain has been horrific and the meds to try to control it have been worse. The cancer has now spread to his sacrum, the base of the spine, leading to intense pain in the sacral nerve which I know is incredibly difficult to control. He was given increasingly larger doses of MST and Sevredol which caused terrifying hallucinations and confusion, then he was given diclofenac, amitriptyline and eventually, last week gabbapentin. The result of all of those has been no great reduction in the pain and a gastric bleed which means he needs to be transfused.
But he's now, finally, in a specialist oncology unit as opposed to the local hospital which put him through some horrific ordeals in the past and which we're suing.
The ward he's in now is light and bright and cheerful, the staff are knowledgeable and warm and humane - such a difference. There's also a volunteer run therapy centre which is just stunning and yesterday I cried in public when I saw it. Just so sad and so angry that this facility was always here when M was offered nothing but dark Victorian wards, and ignorant and uncaring nursing (and as a nurse myself, i know "care" or lack of it, when I see it).
The cancer has spread much more quickly than anyone expected and i know his time is likely to be shorter than we hoped. And I don't know how I'm going to live without him.
I've never asked a question in this blog, or even answered any of the kind and loving comments people have left. But now I need to know: is there anything I can do to prepare myself for the agony I know is coming? How do I get myself ready for being without the central pillar of my life.....?
