Dreading New Year

Evening ladies. Thank you. Resting up xx 

Awww SPu thinking of you . So hard,  i would reach out to your close friends, no they can't change how you feel, but they will be able to support you. Sometimes its not even saying anything, its just being there. Sometimes people don't know they are  needed. It's not a burden to them. They are your friends and love you. Sending you a warm hug. Xx 

I am ashamed to say, i never realised the impact of losing a loved one. I know that sound strange but reality is we are consumed in our own lifes. Sure when close friends /family have experienced grief, like everyone else I was around in the beginning,  and attended funerals showed my love and respect. But  now I have realised it's the weeks, months, years down the line, they would have really needed my support. I think until you in the situation you dont realise how lonely the whole process is (Even if you have people around you).  I think i could of been about more. Not big gestures but just being there. In turn this makes me also think i shouldnt push those who really care and make the effort away. I have one friend who's messaged me every couple of days since any mum died. Just checking in. Xx this means the world. 

But also ive had some like you, Kate, i think mmmm. I dont need you. It makes you question people's reasoning and motivates and to be honest, what they are really like.  People do say the oddest things.  Like they want to get in on the act, I find this very odd and can't get my head round it at all. 

Like this still baffles me, my ex boyfriend (ive been with my man 15 yrs and married 10yrs. so we are talking a boyfriend from 17yrs ago and not a great one at that) current girlfriend messaged me when my mum died.  (We are not friends and asked if they could come to my mums funeral and if they could help put my visiting family up) i have nothing to do with them (never have) I politely  declined and said was family and close friends only. It was the oddest thing ever. I've not heard from her since. I've seen him in passing and he said hi. (But didn't even mention mum) I just don't get this at all. I'm sure she meant well but I just think it's very strange.

Kate, thank you for your kind words. I'm no athlete. Even thou i have signed up for a 5k colour rush in June. God help me. this was when I was having a positive burst and thought my mum would want be to get fit. Must admit, not feeling it at the moment. Let me know your plans later in the year and I'll see if im about. Is a  nice thought. Xxx 

Sorry for the ramble. I come on here and it all comes flying out. Random rambles. Xx 

Hi Ladies,

Hope you are still resting up and feeling better Sunshine

I'm back in work today it has been another surreal experience it feels like I have never been away, luckily my colleagues have been pretty good not asking too many questions.  I'm still here anyway I haven't run out of the door yet.

I'm glad to hear the counselling is helping you Kate. We found with Macmillan in our area unfortunately we didn't have a lot of support from them so haven't had any support from them since in terms of counselling.  The only thing that I have found helpful from Macmillan has been this online forum and the lovely people on here.

I am going to look into see if I can see a Cruse Counselor just to be able to try and process what has happened, but to be honest I don't think I dealt with it right from the start from hearing that my mother was seriously ill. Spu I feel the same I just feel my mother is still here, I just cannot comprehend the enormity of her not being here anymore it's like my brain refuses to accept it.  I have read that this is a coping mechanism that the brain uses, I just feel I am unable to grieve, I found that with everything, my mother being ill, my mother passing away, having to organise the funeral, having to empty my mother's house, Christmas then New Year now back to work I just have had not had time to even sit down and fully grasp what has happened. I feel the same that if someone had told me about the year I was going to have I would have fallen to pieces and been unable to carry on but here I am sat in work, having (or trying to) conversations about mundane things more or less carrying on as normal. I just find it really odd.

That was lovely that your sister found the note from your mother I truly believe that is a sign I hope you have both have taken comfort from this. My sister has had a few things that have happened to her and we believe it is our mother saying she is still watching over us. 

Your dancersice class sounds like fun, I used to go to a cardio class and haven't been for a while and am hoping to start back to it tonight.

As always thinking of you all xxx

Kate - My sister and I are thinking of doing the Marie Curie 10, 000 steps challenge I can walk but I'm not a very good runner xx 

Hey there

Hope you are resting and feeling ok sunshine.

So, another day done. Fortunately for me my job is new so not many people know about my Mum but it came up today...I was speaking to a lady in the kitchen and, long story short, her Mum is terminal with pancreatic cancer. They were told in July and have had time to do certain things, plan, say what they needed to etc. She went on to say about last days which is when I felt it was right to raise about my Mum to empathise. We were both surprised by how strong we were in able to talk about things. I’m constantly baffled by “outside me”...

I have a good friend who is currently going through some difficulties but won’t talk about them or take up my offers of help. It’s heartbreaking as he’s helped me so much and I wish I could now repay that. I will continue to keep sending him messages of support. My point being that the genuine people contacting you won’t give up and will continue to be there for you when you’re ready. The others will drop off and you might be better off without them. But let the good ones in when you can.

Dancercise is good fun but I definitely woke my muscles up!

Keep strong xx

Awww thank you. Resting up and watching rubbish tv

Glad day was ok. I think sometimes it's easier to talk to someone new. The lady most appreciated it too. X Have a good day tmrw. 

Aww Dancercise sounds fab. When I feel better I'm gonna look for a class or something. Bit of a focus. And i need to prepare for my 5k run

 Xx

Hi guys

Just checking in to see how everyone is?

How are you feeling ?

Another week over, another weekend ahead - how are you all coping?

xx

Morning. Much brighter thank you. Xx 

I have a mixed bag of a week. Obivously been ill, so been a bit low. I have tried to keep upbeat and have actually made some nice plans for the next few months. (Weekend away with my family.) Find it easy to think weeks ahead rather than months.

My Dad for the first time was very open with me yesterday and he is struggling bit.  Something clicked in my head,  to look after him. (Look after each other that's what my beautiful mum said). 

(I'm not talking for anyone else here. Just my own personal experince.)

I just think maybe I've been very consumed by my own grief. How loosing my mum has impacted me. (I know its not selfish. ) It's natural. But yesterday something sparked in my head. My dad has lost his soul mate of 44yrs. When I go to bed at night, or get up. My hubby is by my side. But my Dad is alone. Mum was his right hand woman. His go too. Even thou me and my sibling are grown adults. We were and still are the kids. (I think His tried to be strong and he has bloody smashed it, but now it's his time). I have just tried to make sure he know he can tell me anything. It's go to have down days and he is doing amazing. I tell him his doing amazing and how proud mum would be. My mum would want him to build a good life. So i am encouraging this. Any other tips for supporting the surving parent? 

Warm wishes to all xxx 

Morning. Much brighter thank you. Xx 

I have a mixed bag of a week. Obivously been ill, so been a bit low. I have tried to keep upbeat and have actually made some nice plans for the next few months. (Weekend away with my family.) Find it easy to think weeks ahead rather than months.

My Dad for the first time was very open with me yesterday and he is struggling bit.  Something clicked in my head,  to look after him. (Look after each other that's what my beautiful mum said). 

(I'm not talking for anyone else here. Just my own personal experince.)

I just think maybe I've been very consumed by my own grief. How loosing my mum has impacted me. (I know its not selfish. ) It's natural. But yesterday something sparked in my head. My dad has lost his soul mate of 44yrs. When I go to bed at night, or get up. My hubby is by my side. But my Dad is alone. Mum was his right hand woman. His go too. Even thou me and my sibling are grown adults. We were and still are the kids. (I think His tried to be strong and he has bloody smashed it, but now it's his time). I have just tried to make sure he know he can tell me anything. It's go to have down days and he is doing amazing. I tell him his doing amazing and how proud mum would be. My mum would want him to build a good life. So i am encouraging this. Any other tips for supporting the surving parent? 

Warm wishes to all xxx 

Hi all,

So sorry for the delay in coming back to you all - I didn’t receive any email notifications of replies and then was worried perhaps suggesting a run or walk was a bit much for all. 

So glad you’re feeling a little better illness wise Sunshine19. 

How is everyone doing? 

My dad is now alone living in Norfolk. He was married for 38 years and lived with my mum for 40 years. The only advice I can offer and what I’m doing is booking in times to go up and stay with him. I try to send him a message each day - not always a long stream of messages but just really a check in, to say I’m thinking of him. Sadly, he is going through his own journey of grief and I can’t take away his hurt / he can’t take mine. We’re a small family though - just my older sister, my dad, brother in law and a 3 year old niece. We just try to pick each other up when we’re struggling. 

Odd week with me. I had to travel to Paris with work. Wednesday was a really difficult day. Full of aniexty, tearful and just overwhelmed (and sheer exhaustion) my boss doesn’t understand and comes across as cold to me or ignores the situation as she doesn’t get it. Anyway - a couple of days out of London and it seemed to take the edge off. Sad thing about grief, it feels like it’s waiting for you. I know this sounds utterly crazy but I think of grief as a horrible germ/ gremlin that appears on those toilet adverts - for toilet cleaners?! Random I know. 

Re the councelling. If you can and you’re thinking about it, do it. With councelling, I find I’m addressing stuff and each week, it’s different. They give you techniques and things to think about. Keeping busy is great but that grief doesn’t go away, it only compresses it. Obviously we all have to do what’s right for us. 

Thinking of you all as always and around if anyone needs to chat. 

Lots of love xxxx

Hey Kate,

Thank you and not at all. 

I get days like that, when bang it's bites. My eyes literally leak and I cant talk with out blubbering.  (I talk alot, you may have guessed, so its unlike me and If I'm honest unnerving). Totally get the exhasution thing too. Six months on. By the end of each day, im exhausted.

Yes totally agree,it's a nasty little gremlin, waiting and then jumps out at you. Then hides in seconds, only to reappear again, mintues, hours, weeks or days later. 

Glad you could get space space out of town, even it was for work. I love Paris. X

Sorry your boss is cold, I would say it's her problem not yours.  This is your journey. Let her be her and you do you. Losing my mum has mad me think a lot . One of the main things is, how important, the important people are and every second counts with them, even the mundane things. And those not so impprtant, are not worth the time or energy. Sadly, people in their  true colours, when your least expecting it. 

I am lucky to have the complete opposite with my boss, but I have experienced some odd things with a so called friend. Very nicely, nicey to my face. (If i ever mention it to them or anyone else) they would act shocked. But it's like  too nice and wishey washey, if that makes sense (it's almost passive aggressive) As they always manage to get in sly digs.

Like :

"oh i know its hard, but everyone goes through it" 

" it's been nearly 6 months"

"Your not the only one, it's happen to" 

"you look so much better now"

" you must be greatful, everyone being so nice to you".

"Least you have your dad"

"Your sibling has coped, sooooo well"

This person had lost both parents and my heart goes to them. But its almost, as if im, annoying them.

I certianly dont play the "poor me" card. So i have no idea why. I dont want sympathy, I don't want to be the person whos mum died of cancer. (It's almost like, they don't want people to be nice to me.) Their attitude in almost like " Im over this now"

I would never compare grief, you cant. Its so personal and individual, like the realtionship and person your grieving for.

I respect, we have both experienced loss but this is my individual journey. It was my mum and I will not let them impact on that.  It's will not affect them and they do not need to be part of it. I won't let her own issues impact on me. So now, i just nod and smile. I wouldnt behave like that, in a million years. But we can't control others behaviour. So i just rise above it. .

Hope you have a nice weekend. 

Warmest wishes xx