Lung cancer took my Mum in january after 18 months. I am finding it really hard to cope, and as time goes on, it just gets worse. She was the best Mum, but more than that she was my best (and pretty much only) friend. I called her every day and the silence and the void is so loud now i just dont know what to do. i dont know how to feel normal in a world where she is no longer. i am on a waiting list for counselling from our local hospice, that will start in May, and i have contacted cruse, but they have not been able to help much, but having said that, what can they do? what can anyone do? i have lost my Mum, im never going to see her again or hear her voice and i dont know how to process that. My Husband is amazing and very understanding but hes not my Mum! I know from losing my Dad to cancer 30 years ago that grief never goes away, so im not expecting that, but im crying every day and it feels so unbelievable that she is not here any more i just dont know how to move forward. im completely lost.
Hi
I am so sorry to hear that you lost your Mum to lung cancer in January. It is understandable that you are finding it hard to cope and are experiencing a range of emotions.
It is still really early days and I remember feeling all over the place when I lost my Mum and although it is many years ago now, I have still been thinking a lot about her lately, especially with it being Mother's day. In my own family we all experienced the grief in different ways and at different times and had different coping mechanisms.
I remember also the yearning in the early days and the feelings that I had when the reality set in- I was not going to see her again and I also thought of the things in the future that she would miss. Tears are very natural and are part of processing the emotions. I remember at times I could cope and I could almost forget what had happened and at other times felt very overwhelmed. Other things I felt were sadness, anger and at times numbness. I think sometimes the numbness can be a way of holding back the pain.
It is great that your husband is being so understanding. It is good that you have been able to arrange some counselling through the hospice for a couple of months time. I found Cruse helpful but not so much in the first stages of grief. In the beginning I felt a feeling of hopelessness and thought no one could help and it may be in time that it is worth looking into Cruse again.
The Macmillan Support Line is here for you from 8am-8pm daily if you feel it would help to talk about the loss of your Mum. I know for me talking things through, even if it was saying the same things again and again, did help me process things a bit more. They can also have a look to see if there is any support in your local area.
Moving forward is hard and it does not mean that you are leaving Mum behind. I found trying to keep to normal routines helped a bit- I had a young child so had to keep the school routines and household routines going. I continued to work and it can help to have someone or someplace to go to if you need a bit of time out. A cuppa and a chat was sometimes all that was needed.
If you are struggling with things such as eating, sleeping etc (I know I did) then it may be worth making an appointment with your GP. It may be that you would benefit from a check up and some time out.
You say you used to call her everyday and miss that- what about looking into a journal where you make notes about what you are feeling. Sometimes writing things down can help to begin the processing. Also perhaps think about a memory box with some positive things in. It doesn't all need to be done at once and some days you may well have to just take time out to grieve.
I found that some people did not feel comfortable talking about things but that does not mean that they do not care. As a family we talked a lot about Mum and that helped keep her memory alive. At times over the years there have been times when she is more missed, such as when there is a new baby etc and we found that you don't only grieve for what has been lost but what will be missed in the future.
When we lost my Dad several years later it did also bring up similar feelings of grief and for us it felt a new stage in our family as both parents were no longer with us. Many people have tried to say helpful things such as time is a great healer and I would say time does help but it is more that you learn to cope better with the loss. It took a while but in time we found we were talking more about the positive memories than the short time in which Mum was unwell.
Be gentle with yourself and just take time to work through your emotions. What you are feeling at the moment sounds very natural. Try to keep up with some sort of routine. Exercise and fresh air helped us. Go with the flow with your emotions and sometimes it was a case of accepting that there would be bad days. I remember in the early days sometimes I could feel guilty for having better days as it felt like I was forgetting her, however these are normal stages that many of us go through.
I hope this helps a bit. I am sorry that you have lost Mum. We are here when you need us.
Jane
I am glad that it helped to talk to cruse and that it lifted some of the weight.
I am sorry today is a bad day. Why not have a look online and find a nice new notebook to see if a journal would help. Did Mum have any interests? Mine liked gardens (amongst other things) so I would chose one with flowers on as I knew she would like it. Writing things down does help a lot of people so is worth a try.
I found on bad days, breaking things down into hours would help. One step at a time. Decide on one thing you would like to do today and if you do it that is great. If you don't manage to, then that is ok. You are processing and healing from something huge. One thing that helped me would be to get up, showered and dressed. Although I did not at times feel like it, I knew I would feel better when I did. Once I had done that the next step would be to sit on the sofa with a cuppa. I did find I would feel better if I went out for some fresh air- even if just sitting in the garden for a bit- sitting in one place and thinking would make me feel worse. I don't know whether you are feeling really tired at the moment- but I did in the initial few months so it was hard at times to motivate myself to go out for a walk but mentally I found it was one of the best things to do. Even a quick walk in nature helped.
Jane
