How to help my mom

Hi 007 ,

My name is Matthew and I work as part of the Online Community Team. We're the team who work on supporting our Online Community to make sure it stays safe and working well.

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your father, and the ongoing impact this is having on your mum’s wellbeing. I can only imagine how hard it must be to witness your dear mum feeling like that, while processing your own feelings too.

I spotted that you didn’t have any replies from other Online Community members just yet, so I hope you don’t mind me posting to make sure that you know about what other support options are available to you.

Aside from accessing peer support via the Online Community, you can also get one-to-one help from our Information and Support Team by calling the Macmillan Support Line. The Information and Support Team are there for emotional support, so if you ever just need to talk, they’ll be there to listen. The Support Line is available from 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week, on freephone 0808 808 00 00. You can also contact Support Line staff by email, or via live webchat.

The other resource that you (and your mum) might find helpful is the Cruse Bereavement support line. You can call them on 0808 808 1677, or you can visit their website via that link if you’d like more information. Cruse specialises in helping people who are struggling with a loss, and they can also provide advice on how best to support others who are grieving, too. If you don’t feel like speaking to them directly, you can always email them at helpline@cruse.org.uk.

I hope you will find the Online Community to be supportive and helpful, and I hope you get in touch with our Support Line staff whenever you need them. For help using the Online Community, please do get in touch with us in the Online Community Team by sending an email to community@macmillan.org.uk.

007, 15 years is a long time to live with a serious illness for your father and everyone who loved him.  I hope you and your daughters are managing okay in your difficult situation and that the pain of your loss eases over time.

It sounds as though your mother lost a part of herself when your father passed and in her exhaustion can not find anything of comfort except the thought of being with your father.  It must be incredibly hard to bear witness to this and it has left you feeling lonely as well.

I can not know how it is for your mother to be so lacking in joy but I have a little understanding of the wish to be with a loved one who has passed away.

Two years ago my lovely partner of 27 years, my best and loyal companion, died from cholangiocarcinoma.  I mostly manage okay but occasionally when I am very tired and exhausted I find myself wishing I was with him.

But because I love life a lot, and my partner enriched my life a lot and would not want me to suffer, I try and turn that thought around.

I tell myself I am not ready to be with him so I have to bring him more into my life by cooking things he would have loved, planting things he would have liked and making things he would appreciated.

All of these things help me to keep him close to me in my life rather than me being in his as it is now.  I wonder if there are ways in which you could keep your father a little more in the present for your mother, rather than in the past and future?

Warmest wishes to you, your daughters and your mother