It happened so fast

Hi Claire.

Im sorry to read about your dad and the speed in which he died.

There are a few people on here who have that very sudden experience. My husband died 3 months ago and I still feel lost. had a bit longer but the end phase came in about 6 weeks. He went from hardly any symptoms to almost bed bound over night. It was a shock, and I had many questions as you do, but I will never know those answers. I am learning to let those go.

You will be in complete shock, and feeling lost is normal. My husband died 3 months ago and I still feel lost.There is initially so much to do, if you are executor there is all the paperwork plus the funeral if he is having one. 

Thise early days and weeks go by in a blur. I learned very quickly not to expect so much of myself, I just did one job each day. Im still eating ready meals as I dont have energy to cook. I tried to make myself go out so I wasnt alone in the house ( my husband died at home). I looked to anyone for support, a shoulder to cry on, some shopping, a listening ear. You have your sister, are you close so can you share the load? You have your husband too, so lean on him. Make sure that he gets you to eat drink and sleep, crying and grief is emotionally and physically exhausting.

If you are working can you take time off work? 

Come back here to talk any time, we all support each other. 

Hello Claire,

I am really sorry to hear about your Dad passing away so suddenly.

Sadly, I lost my Partner to secondary liver cancer in September three weeks after diagnosis. The symptoms were missed by the NHS and I was so used to his back pain, never ever thought it could be cancer and then he was gone just six weeks after his  65th birthday.  Like you say, in your mind are all these questions, could I have done more etc. It still goes round my head. When  someone has been given say eight months, you use that time and put all your love into making their last months as happy as they can be. When you don't have that time, it is so cruel for you and your loved one. All that you wanted to say and do, but didn't get the chance....

The paperwork is endless and I am still waiting for outcomes from the hospital, pensions which takes all your time and energy. When I registered my Partner's death, the Registration Office gave me some really useful information. The best was Tell us Once, you complete the details and all the government departments and banks are notified on your behalf. It saves you having to go over  and repeating the information to these organisations.

There is no quick fix. In the first few weeks, I was in a daze and really didn't want to be here anymore. Our Son has always been our priority and he has kept me going, kept me here. The time leading up to Christmas and New Year was really tough, but we have made it through. Until you go through something like this, no one can really understand. It was our first Christmas and New Year without him. The first anniversaries will be difficult for you.

Just over four months now and I would say the gaps are longer between the tears. I write down my feelings in a journal. I also am having bereavement therapy, not sure it has made much of a difference, I would say time makes the difference. It might be worth speaking to your GP and consider also bereavement groups in your area. I also started yoga and mentally it makes me feel so much better. It is important to make time for yourself. Forums like this are brilliant, you don't feel so alone in your grief.

My one crumb of comfort is that what would have been ahead for my Partner medically and mentally, he would not would have wanted it. He would have absolutely hated it!  As much as I will always miss him, I know he is at peace.

Do reach out Claire, there are some amazing people on this forum. Take care.