Unexpected parent loss & cancer of an unknown primary

Hi antypim. Im sorry to read about your mum and how sudden things happened. You will be in shock, upset, anxious and a whole load of other feelings. Im glad you had your brother with you. 

I dont have experience of this cancer but my husband, who died in October, had 2 episodes in ICU, ventilator and pneumonia then the ups and downs of failed chemo and radiotherapy. 

There may be others here who will pop by to say hello, people are very supportive here.

These early days and weeks can pass by in a blur, paperwork to do, funeral, telling people, its exhausting. Allow yourself to cry and do whatever you need to get through each minute, hour and day. In my case it was a lot of rubbish telly, something I still do. 

One massive hug coming your way. 

Hello, a lot of what you have written is sadly very familiar to me, i am so, so sorry this has happened to your mum and your family. My Mum was diagnosed in july 2024, the diagnosis went very quickly from what we were told was a blood clot to stage 3 squamous cell carcinoma. long story as short as i can, she had treatment, did not respond very well, cancer spread to her spine, but overall, given how ill she was she was doing ok...until 2 jan this year, when she could not stop shaking and was blue lighted to hospital, where they found her lung had collapsed and that she had pneumonia. they treated her but she did not respond, she was moved to an acute respiratory ward where we were told end of life was near, we spent 2 weeks practically living at the hospital, seeing a different consultant every few days and they all having different views, some saying the spread seen on the scans was infection, some saying the cancer had become very aggressive and watching our mother decline in a way i never thought possible, the last few days she was very agitated every time she woke up, which was incredibly distressing, they just kept upping her meds, until we watched her take her last breath.  It was the worst 2 weeks of my whole life, for so many reasons, and as well as struggling with the loss i am struggling with what happened in hospital too, i really do emapathise with you, we really thought, and so did the doctors, that she had more time, she was due to start immunotherapy the day after she was rushed in, the irony of that is so painful to me i cant tell you. take care of yourself, its a painful place to be, i know x

Hello,

I am so sorry for your loss and your mums story is so similar.

like you we had a different consultant everyday on the ICU- the messaging varied wildly and had us false hope (I am a scientist by background and so I knew where were in a bed place to start) even up until a couple days before her diagnosis. 

I am sure you are still struggling as it is so fresh. But I guess am having a hard time believing it all - did you find the same?

So sorry to hear about your husband. Sounds like you guys really went through it.

Thank you for your kind supportive words. I can literally manage one task a day. Today was meet the pathologist who will do mums post mortem. I’ve started a new series which mum would have liked which helps, and am signed off work. But the days are long and painful. I doubt that’s ever going to change  

Hello, i hope you are coping, its so hard. Yes, i did feel the same and still do, i still feel sometimes like none of it could be real, she cant be gone! and everything that happened in hospital, was so messed up, it was not how i thought the end would be, not at all, and that does not help with the processing. I have spoken to cruse and they were really helpful. When i was 19, i lost my Dad to cancer as well, he was only 40.  He went to the gp with a cough, was put on antibiotics, they did not work so was sent for a scan, and they found cancer throughout his entire lymphatic system, he was admitted to hospital, sedated and died 3 weeks later, undifferentiated carcinoma. The sudden nature of his death was extremely traumatic, so i know what you are going through on several levels and its huge, im not going to cliche you, that did (and still does!) do my head in, i just want you to know i understand what you are going through, what you are feeling is normal for what you have been through, at least i hope it is, because its how i feel too. Please take care of yourself.

Hello.

Thank you for sharing your story, and im so sorry to hear of the loss of your mum. Reading other people's story helps me to cope in a strange way.

Although my mums journey was different, it was also very quick. Mum was diagnosed with PTCL last April. After 5 months, we were told she was cancer free and would be getting stem cells (this is needed to stop PTCL from returning as it often does, but a stem cell transplant will keep her in remission). Two weeks after getting the good news she came down with a fever. She went into hospital and got antibiotics as they assumed an infection. A week later she was getting worse. I went to her house to check in on her (I taught yoga and she would NEVER miss a class, she always kept her steroids for the classes to make sure she was able haha!!). She was sat on the chair shivering, even though she was in a snoodie and multiple blankets. I tried to take her up to bed to rest, but she was adamant she needed to go into the garden (her garden was her pride and joy, and so beautiful!). We argued, as it wasnt warm out as it was october and i didnt want her getting more poorly. Thinking back, I think she knew it was her time and the cancer was back, because we took her to the hospital the next day. Got the news the day after that that it had spread and she needed more chemo else she couldn't have the stem cell transplant. We started the intense chemo, but she caught covid and a stomach infection a week later. Ill never forget the phone call, being told to come in as a family. We were told she had decided to refuse chemo, and they thought she only had 2 days left maximum. Mum couldn't talk by this point, and I stayed with her the whole time. When it was just me and her, she'd get all her energy up to mouth 'I love you' to me as i read her a book. Guiding her through to the other side was the hardest thing ive ever done, but I wouldn't have been anywhere else. My only regret is that I didnt jump in to her bed for one last cuddle! 

I miss her more every day. My name is Kelly, but she called me Millie. No idea why, but I miss being Millie so much. 

Thanks so much for replying and I am so sorry for the late response. I must have missed it.

your poor dad and you- so similar to mum mum except she didn’t wake up. Retrospectively I am with this now, she was so health conscious and she would have been mad at herself for “missing” this.

i hate that we are part of the shittest club in the world ️ i miss her more in the most indescribable ways everyday ️