Dreading New Year

Thanks Lou12, I  talk to my Mum at home all the time too.

Although my Mum had advanced womb cancer she wasn’t terminal and we had no idea she wouldn’t last the year. She went back into hospital with a mild infection. Nearly 4 weeks later on the Tuesday we were starting to plan coming home. Friday morning they told me we were approaching the end - could be days, could be weeks. I was dumbfounded.  The syringe driver was put in, I didn’t realise this would effectively start to knock her out. She died late Tuesday night. So we never got a chance to talk, to tell each other how much we loved each other, how much we cared. So I truly truly hope she did know. It breaks my heart that I didn’t realise it was the end so soon.

God life is awful isn’t it?

xx

Life is certainly unfair and very cruel. I never though something like this would happen to my family but here I am. Still feels unreal to me, unable to even begin to sit down and try and process what has happened. I found it hard to even admit to myself my mother was dying it was denial all the way. Hoping for some miracle cure to come along or the doctor to say the cancer has disappeared, silly I know.

So sorry to hear that happened with your mother so unexpected and the fact you were planning on bringing her home it's beyond heartbreaking. 

X x x

Hi all,

Just checking in to see how you’re all doing? It’s one of those stupid questions we get asked but wanted to check in.

Every day is different isn’t it? 

Thinking of you all xx

Hi Kate

How are you doing? Like you said that is a very difficult question to answer I still don't know how to answer that. I find myself just trying to plod on. 

I met with friends who I hadn't seen for a while yesterday and felt I just couldn't relate to them at first but I tried because I could hear my mother telling me go and to try and enjoy myself. I just find it hard to concentrate on conversations when in my head I keep thinking of my mother. Don't know if anyone has had this? 

I hope you are all ok well ok as you can be.....also been thinking of you, even though it's awful to think there are so many people going through this it helps to know I'm not alone.

Take care all sending my love x x x

Aw, thanks for checking in on us, Kate.

It is a difficult question. I very much feel like I’m just going through the motions, functioning in a way but feeling like I’m just in a fog mostly. I think everyone on the outside world thinks I’m coping. I think I’m just existing because I don’t know what else to do, how else to be. Evenings, nights, weekends are awful unless I have something to do and I try desperately to just not be in the house - I drive/walk for hours to avoid coming home. I just can’t believe Mum’s gone. Everything seems pointless without someone to share things with.

Lou - for me it depends what/who the conversation is with but, yes, I do zone out thinking about my Mum and the last year in general. 

Sorry bit of a download, just feeling a bit low after the weekend.

How are you doing Kate?

Thinking if you all - it’s awful we find ourselves here but good that we can share our experiences and not feel weird or judged. Thank you.

xx

Hey Ladies. 

Hope you are looking after yourselves.  I've ended up poorly with shingles. I reckon because im run down, so been in bed all day. 

I'm trying to listen to my body and trying to relax. Literally all I want is my mum. When your poorly, mum's are the best. Xx  I can hear her, like it's yesterday. She would be telling me, take my meds, loads of fluids, rest and to stop fretting. So I'm gonna take heed of that advice.

Lou can totally relate, to the cant relate thing. I have no interest in random conversations. I actually avoid people. I then get mad with myself, as im not rude and if their my friends its not pointless to them. So i then feel I should listen.  I feel I've changed alot since my mum was ill and died. I feel people have this expectation for me to be the fun loving character i was, (with not a care in the world). I was actually told "what's wrong with you, your miserable now days" like I said before I dont expect anyone to feel sorry for me or mollycoddle me. But i did think "Aww you actually kidding me", must admit gone right of that person. 

I go through fazes, I have moments of this awesome strength (that even shocks me)  that I'm gonna tackle every thing and fight hard. Feel positive. Then moments of I don't care about anything and feel completely disheartened with the world. 

Also wondered if anyone has experienced any of the following. I feel ive become very clingy to my husband. Its like this safety net. I just like being with him all the time. We have a great realtionship, but we have always also been independant individuals. We have always had our own interests and never any trust issues. It's like a separation anxiety. I think at the moment he understands. He makes me feel safe and I want to be with him. But im aware, i need to curb it or I could become over whelming.  He joked "i can't move with out you" and made me think. 

Have a good week Xx

Oh no shingles that's all you need I'm glad to hear you can hear your mother telling you to rest and take it easy. I know what you mean about wanting your mother more when you are ill, only mothers understand and are good enough. Your immune system is more than likely very low. Try and take your time to recover, don't rush back to anything to soon. Indeed take heed of your mother's very good advice. 

I'm think it's normal you feel that way about your husband I'm sure in time (it's all about in time) you'll start to feel ready to go back to doing things independently. It's good to hear he's being supportive towards you. I'm the opposite and have been pushing my partner away so I've been trying to make more effort with him. 

Glad I'm not the only one who avoids people. I find it very hard to act normally now and just listen to people who talk about silly things whereas before I would listen to everyone's problems I just find I cannot do it anymore. I just find some people's problems now petty and I feel like saying how I wish I only had that to worry about. Like you I feel rude for not having more patience with people. 

I'm worrying at the moment that I'm not letting my grief out. I'm at a point where I'm just blocking the last week with my mother out. Which in a way is a good thing but I am worried that it will fester and come out later on and make me ill. I find it hard to cry and then think there is something wrong with me for not crying more. It's feels like I just haven't accepted my mother has truly gone. I keep expecting her to turn up and say right I'm back now let's get things back to how they were! Silly I know.....

Has anyone tried counselling? I'm thinking of contacting Cruse to talk to someone see if this will help.

Really hope you get better soon!!

Take care everyone, really, really sorry for the essay above x x x x

Aww thank you for your lovely reply. Yes I'm resting up. Xx 

Its so hard when your world has been turned upside down. I'm 5 and half months in and it still feel like yesterday. The pain and the longing, is like nothing I've every experienced. I think also I have had Breavement and hard times in life. But one constant thing was my mum was always beside me, guiding me and supporting me. This is the hardest not having my biggest advocate with me. My best friend. 

I really have to push my self to be social. Ive always been the social butterfly and the life and soul of any party.  Now i just cant face it but then I know I have to start living a good life. (Thats what my mum wanted, she saw life as a gift, that should be lived to the max, she would say "life is not a dress rehearsal it's the main show" ). When I have pushed my self , I have enjoyed it. My perspective and outlook on life has defiently changed.  It's sooo hard, I will get there, in her memory. Just having a rubbish couple of weeks. I know the postitive thoughts will return. Just having a big wave at the moment. 

I did the pushing away at the beginning, but I change on a daily bases. And at the moment I'm really clingy. Just don't want to be on my own. Xx

 I would defiently look for some support. I have had support from the Macmillian Support Nurse. Which helped loads and it's a release where I can talk about how I feel. but She has suggested a trained Breavement councillor. For something a little more in-depth, I am in two minds. In one way I don't want to go over everything again (I feel like what will it change). But then I think maybe if I did, it maybe help me to process what happen and start to move forward. (I dread this but the reality is, I have too) I feel strange Christmas has been and gone. That was a target to get through. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for something. I have this massive wobble about the New year. Life with out mum, is so daunting. But i am trying not to think too far ahead. I have made some plans for Feb. Something to look forward to.

Grief is certainly tough, but I have read in many places. It's because we loved so deeply.  I think it's so true, that you don't know the depth of it to you experience it. 

Sending you and everyone the warmest wishes xxx 

I like an essay too. 

X 

Hi ladies,

So nice to hear from you all. So sorry you're poorly Sunshine19 - I too know that feeling of just wanting that comfort from your mum when you're poorly. Even just to be on the end of the phone to tell you to rest, drink and sleep. Sounds like everyone has already given you great advice on how to get through it though. 

As always, been nodding a long to everything you were all saying. I still haven't replied to messages some friends have sent me. One close friend sent me some brownies for my birthday (22nd Dec) and they're sat in a newsagent waiting to be collected! Pretty selfish I know and a waste of good brownies but she's sent me messages such as 'Lets celebrate in the new year' and 'hope you're doing ok?' Erm... no wait, what!????! I have forced myself to have some get togethers and enjoyed myself but am much more choosy on who I spend time with. 

Regarding the partner situation. Can't totally relate - not married but was seeing a really lovely guy all last year. Someone so very supportive through everything with mum. I've now successfully pushed him away and just feel how could he understand? I go through this whole jealousy with people. Not sure if you guys get this - but I get so annoyed that other people 'seem' to have it so perfect and nothing to worry about. 

Picking up the point on a Councillor. I have been seeing a lady called Liz. I picked her as my mum was called Liz. Perhaps a little freaky. I would  so far recommend. I think what I struggle with is the fact that they don't have the answers, you do. It's just that they help you find them and perhaps guide you a little. I really would try it though. I do sometimes walk out feeling like a mini weight has lifted.

Finally - I have a strange proposition for you. I won't be offended if you're not keen at all but I wanted to see how you felt about doing a walk or small run for cancer research perhaps later in the year? I know we are on completely  different paths but I just figured how nice it would be to do something in all of our mums honors and with people who all have something in common - grief! See what you think - no pressure either way. 

Lovely to have found you - sad that it has to be through something that we lost but I see a positive out of such a negative from talking to you all.

Lots of love xx

P.s thanks for asking how I'm doing. Good days and bad I think the same as you all. My sister pulled out a book from her vast book collection last night at random and there on the back? a post it from my mum 'Love you!' who says they don't still send us messages? 

Hey all

sorry to hear you’re poorly. You really do need to take care with shingles - glad you can hear your Mum telling you this, it’s good advice

I can’t relate to the partner thing either. Good friends but no partner or family. I’m very lonely a lot of the time.

I too am wondering if I’m not really processing this situation. If you’d told me a year ago I’d lose my Mum I would have expected me to give up, not get up, not leave the house, not able to stop crying. But, although I have phases of tears and deep loss yearning, I’m not like I thought I would be. As Mum had been in hospital I do sometimes forget that she isn’t there and won’t be coming home. I too am worried this might massively hit me at some point.

I haven’t been contacted by my GP about bereavement counselling but, if I’m honest, I just don’t know how it can help. It can’t make me less lonely or less afraid. It can’t bring my Mum back. Aside from anonymously like this I’m not good at really sharing my feelings - I tell some friends some things but not the depth of how I truly feel. Again, what can they do apart from feel sad for me? I don’t want to burden them.

In order to avoid being in the house I joined a dancercise class a couple of weeks before Christmas (I know, right - how????) and it restarted today. As I helped with Mum’s physio I found myself thinking of her lots and not being able to get my head round how someone who was the strongest in the hospital “class” is no longer here.

I hope you guys manage to get some rest and peace xx