Dreading New Year

Morning Ladies,

Sunshine your stew sounds lovely, my mother used to make beautiful cawl which is what us Welsh call a stew we would eat bowls of the stuff. 

I also miss talking about programmes with my mother it's the little things as well as the big things.

I find it hard to go to certain places where I used to visit with my mother plenty of good memories but just too soon to visit if that makes any sense. 

I work part time and I struggle with my days off when the kids are in school, saying that I struggle on weekends when the kids are here. I do try and have a walk everyday (also love walking by the Coast when I get a chance) and I used to go swimming which I'm hoping to start back to again once it gets warmer. I was also thinking of volunteering somewhere and have put my name down for Age Concern. Just trying to fill my days as much as possible.

It's great you have a good network of friends I have certainly found out which friends have been there for me recently. 

I hope the weather is better there for you all, the sun is out here

Love to you all

x x x x

Hello lovely ladies -

Just been catching up on the messages on this thread. Nodding away in agreement -  I'm like one of those Chinese nodding cats!

I fixed my washing machine this morning after consulting my sister and dad. I ended up watching YouTube and thought I would give it one final try and managed to solve it. Who did I want to tell? Mum. Her reply would have been this - "Wonderful news! Well done. Now, make sure that you keep cleaning it so it doesn't build up again." I don't know if this would help anyone or if it sounds crazy but I often think of things that I want to tell mum and I play it in my head of what she would say and of course it hurts, but it's also so comforting knowing what she would say. 

Weekends can be a struggle too sometimes. I try to fill my time up with cleaning the house, doing a bit of gardening. Hanging out with my sister and niece. Lighting a candle and watching Columbo (don't judge, it came from my grandpa and then my mum who both loved it) but I also sometimes just sit down and don't think. I know that sounds odd but grief is exhausting - Sunshine19, the 5hr sleeping is an example of that. Not only are we trying to keep going in our day to day lives, in parallel, we are dealing with one of the greatest losses we will ever know. And so, just sitting and 'being' is something that I 'try' and do.

I also went for a massage after work last night (queue bad back pain again) anyway, she was talking to me about hypnotherapy and mindfulness/ mediation. I've never thought about it much before but I liked the idea of her saying that you close your eyes in silence and go to a happy place in your mind - be it a beach, a field etc and you can take anyone with you  - so you can take your mum and you just stay in this happy place. Sounding a little hippy here, so just putting it out there.

So - my week went like this. Aches, pains and a toxic work environment! To then going for a job interview and being offered it. Sadly I missed being able to tell mum and I know she would have sent me a message saying 'good luck - thinking of you' and sadly no one else remembered (other than some close friends) but I went in and did it for her and me. I don't know about anyone else but I feel like I have lost a lot of confidence since mum died - like I don't know myself as well and not sure of my identity. I am now building it back up. ALSO I saw my Councillor again on Monday after 5 weeks and noticed that for all the time that I've been really  down and sad - I have been processing things and moving in the right direction. I know counselling doesn't work for all but if you are considering trying it, I would recommend. Obviously I know we all have to find our own way. 

Lou12 - nice to hear from you again. I often wonder how you're all doing and think that through this thread, we have managed to build something so positive -  because no matter how alone sometimes we may feel, we can always share it on here and we'll all no doubt be the Chinese nodding cats.

Love to you all and thinking of you xx

P.s Only a sprinkling of snow in London

K8EH - I’m a Chinese nodding cat reading what you were saying. Some days I feel very alone, that’s one of the reasons I visit here. Just to have support on here, helps a great deal.

Columbo, was a programme mum and me used to watch. We must have seen everyone. Usually, at the weekend they show a Columbo, but like with Masterchef, I can’t watch. Maybe in time, I might be able to watch the shows that mum and me used to watch.

As for the mindfulness/mediation I have thought about that too. I try and sit silently and think of the happy memories. I’m hoping that I will get better at it. I signed up to the Headspace site, but haven’t got round to using it properly yet.

Well done on fixing the washing machine and well done regarding your job interview - I’m sure your mum would be so proud/happy.

As for the weather - not too bad here in the North East.

Thinking of you all xx

SPu - not silly at all, regarding the food. I found it heartbreaking when I had to clear the fridge out, which still had mum’s food products in. Mum used to like vegetarian sausages and I did too, but couldn’t eat them now. I know what you mean about wishing the hours away, some days go quicker for me than others. Like I have said, visiting this site helps a lot, just writing how I feel helps, also have just spoken to a friend in Australia, she lost her mum to cancer, just talking to someone who understands what your going through can help a lot. 

Thinking of you xx

Lou12 -  I agree, it is the little things that I miss with mum, Even just talking about the weather. People have said keep busy, have a walk, start a hobby, sometimes it’s easier said than done though. I always say do what feels right for you, and if you take some comfort doing a walk/swim than that’s a good thing, but do it in your own time and when it feels right for you. I think it’s a great idea volunteering and putting your name down for Age Concern. 

Take care, keep warm xx

Sunny43 - I’ve also watched every columbo episode maybe 5 times? It would probably be my chosen subject if I ever went on mastermind  Sadly when mum was diagonosed, I bought her the box set - so that she could watch them again whilst getting better. Sadly, she never got the chance. Do things in your own time re watching programs again or eating specific food. I’m no expert but watching a columbo now brings me a comfort (it didn’t)

I downloaded that headspace app too. Maybe we can both do it and compare notes x

Finally - just so you know - you’re never alone x

Hey ladies

Completely relate so much. Great to have this thread to chat and let things out.

Kate - love the nodding cat comparison, that's soooo me Xx . I was on my lunch break and could feel myself nodding I have lost confidence too and my sense of identity. I am really struggling to be me. If that make sense. Although, also, i know deep down I'm processing and working towards, a life mum, would want for me. And i am actually very proud, of how far I have come. 

Doesn't sound crazy at all. Everything I do. I think of my mum's response. Tbh I think this has kept me going, as my mum was alway full of wise positive words. She wasn't shy in coming forward. She said it how it is.  I can hear her willing me on. Xx "come on darling, you can do it"  the other day. I was being a bit of a nag, to my fella. And i could hear her response. "Aww leave him alone, don't be a bossy boots."   I said to him, "I'm gonna leave you and stop nagging because ........" and before I could say anything. He said "mumma bear would tell you to give me  a break" we both laughed. Xx  just because she is not physically her. Her wisdom, her ways and what she wanted for me, will always be with me. Xx 

 Totally agree with my mammoth afternoon snooze. I get so exhausted. Xx

Well Done with the washing machine. Xx 

Thanks K8EH - visiting this site does help. Just reading the messages, I know I’m not alone in my thoughts/feelings.. I think in time, I will get to the point where I can maybe watch the programmes mum and me used to watch. As for Columbo, I have watched them so many times too, our favourite episodes were - Death Hits The Jackpot and Butterfly In Shades Of Grey, mum thought William Shatner was excellent in that. As for headspace - yes, I will get myself motivated to do it and we can compare notes xx

Sunshine - know what you mean about grief and feeling tired. When mum passed, i felt so tired, I was going to bed at 7pm. I still feel tired, but resting a bit later now. I always hope I can get to sleep, as when I can’t, I just think about things too much. I never thought I would be so pleased to sleep, but I’m always grateful when I do manage to sleep xx

I also feel exhausted I do dread the nights as your mind tends to go over and over things so same here I'm also grateful when I get to have a full nights sleep.

Well done on the new job Kate and I'm impressed with the fixing of the washing machine! Laughed at Colombo I used to watch him as a child was fascinated by his glass eye if I remember rightly he had one??? He was a bloody good detective. 

My mother was the same with my partner she was forever telling me off to leave him alone if we had an argument, in fact would stick up more for him than me. We're been together a long time so she knew him from late teens. His relationship with his mother is very strange, she is not maternal at all so my mother would never leave him out and thought a lot of him. 

Hope you all had a good day x x x