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First of all I would like to say a massive thank you to everybody who commented and helped me in my last blog post. I have been talking to a few of you and I appreciate so very much.
I visited my mums grave about 3 weeks ago by myself, this has always been very hard for me to do, but after not visiting for a while I start to crave my mum so much and feel like seeing her grave is the place where I can forget about the world and have a connected chat with her. However every time I've visit her, my...
Well today started badly, it bloody well chucked it down this morning. I awoke feeling very tired too, another night where I seemed to sleep in two halves - one from about 10-2am then another stretch from 3-6. Unfortunately the second stretch seems to come in spurts of maybe 45 mins or an hour, I am constantly waking up it feels like.
The day improved though, I made contact with the private healthcare people and they finally have gotten everything they need to approve my claim for cancer treatment....
Originally published 7/5/13
Cancer. Bloody cancer. It's something I hope that anyone reading my diary doesn't have personal experience of. I mean, its a bit of a shit, isn't it? Its not a disease like MS or TB, not one with - strictly speaking anyway - an external cause. Cancer is your own body going mad, a simple error of DNA replication which causes uncontrolled cell growth and division.
This means, for most of us, cancer is personal in way that other illness isn't. We're each suffering...
Originally Published 6/5/13
What a nice day its been, blue skies and sunshine all day. Like most people faced with this kind of weather, our household decided to do some gardening.
I managed to do a bit, nothing heavy, de-weeding the lawn, bit of raking leaves, nothing much. Honestly, I sit here now typing this with my neck and shoulders aching like Christ knows what. If feel like I've done a major upper body session at the gym of something. Its not an unpleasant feeling, I do in fact feel a bit...
Originally published 5/5/13
It's hard to believe I'm on day 56, it seems like only yesterday that I first found out about it - never mind the three weeks since the operation.
Once again I found myself needing a nap this afternoon, its not like I did that much, but there I was after lunch - flaked out on the sofa. I really would have thought that I'd be past this by now, but I really don't know why I get so tired. My only guess is diet - still - I think in am getting about two thousand calories...
Originally Published 4/5/13
Well, I made it out to the cinema with friends, which was great. It was really nice to switch my brain off for a couple of hours and forget everything. It's surprising just how much time you spend thinking about cancer and chemo and radiotherapy - you try not to, but its there all the time eating away at you (possibly literally) and making you think about it.
The thing that got me today was, why the hell has my laugh changed? I don't laugh as I used to, its totally...
Originally published 3/5/13
Not sure what to make of today, its been a odd sort of day. Tiredness has gotten at me again, not sure why, I was ok this morning – but this afternoon I have felt shattered. I’ve not done a massive amount, but nonetheless I have felt really tired.
This is one of those times that I hate having this damned cancer, I’m not in control. I do wonder if I am missing something from my diet – given the limited scope on the kinds of foods I can eat it wouldn’t...
Originally published 2/5/13
I was going to say "its funny, you know" but on second thoughts its not funny. I find I have good days and bad days, days when i feel positive and days when I don't.
Today has been more of the latter for some reason. I have felt tired, worn down, my shoulders and neck ache and I spent most of the morning half asleep in bed. This is not like me normally, but today something just told me to take it slow and easy. I didn't even go out for a walk, I did do the...
Originally published 1/5/13
Sometimes it is hard to find things to write, hard to actually process my feelings and get them onto paper. Well, not paper, pixels perhaps – but you know what I mean. Today I am somewhat conflicted, I still don’t thing that I have actually accepted and understood what it means to have this cancer thing going on. It’s almost like it is happening to someone else, the shock of the scale of the radio and chemotherapy they want to do next was so great that I think...
Originally published 30/4/13
I've had a relatively quiet day today, I'm still digesting the information about the next stage of treatment - the length and severity of it. I find I feel rather like I would rather not have it done, that I have already done my part, that too much is being asked. Of course I am going to do it, regardless, I simply cannot escape it or avoid it. Never in my life have I failed to face down something hard or unpleasant that needs to be done and I simply will not start now...
