Originally published 7/5/13
Cancer. Bloody cancer. It's something I hope that anyone reading my diary doesn't have personal experience of. I mean, its a bit of a shit, isn't it? Its not a disease like MS or TB, not one with - strictly speaking anyway - an external cause. Cancer is your own body going mad, a simple error of DNA replication which causes uncontrolled cell growth and division.
This means, for most of us, cancer is personal in way that other illness isn't. We're each suffering from something a bit different, mine ain't quite the same as yours. So we get stuck with treatment, which whilst it advances all the time, is somewhat barbaric in comparison to others. If you can't have the majority of the cancer cut out then you tend to be in deep shit, radiotherapy is basically cooking parts of you in an attempt to shrink or kill any tumours. Chemotherapy is pumping a lethal poison into you in managed doses to kill off cancer cells and hopefully not too many healthy ones. The end result of this treatment is not even a definitive "OK, you're cured!" Its more of a "we can't see any signs of it right now, we'll do the tests again in a month"
Its not something you think about really, but I for one will be doing my bit - when I am well again - to support cancer Research. Perhaps it'll be the bit of money that makes the difference, leads to the breakthrough, you never know.
I would like to know what the future has in store, it would be good to know if this thing is beaten or not. You try not to worry, try not to think about having cancer, but it really doesn't work like that; you can't help it, your brain wanders back to it time and again.
On the plus side, I managed to get through today without having a nap, although to be honest I really felt like it when I got back from picking the kids up from school. It was a small victory, but another sign that my body continues to recover. I will take a few steps back when they start to poison me, start to bombard me with xrays to make sure I don't relapse, but I think I'm ready for it now. It will only take me a few weeks to remake my progress, its something that will fade, just like the pain and unpleasantness of the operation. Hell, if I can get through that then I can get through anything they want to throw at me.
Gonna miss the beard though, stupid isn't it?
