My boyfriend has pushed me away and ended our relationship

Hi Muzza   I am so sorry about how things have ended with your boyfriend.  I do understand why he is doing this though, it does seem crazy to everyone around but it's a coping mechanism.  When I had cervical cancer, I started to act in very much the same way as your boyfriend is acting.  To me I thought if I pushed everyone away and maybe got them to hate me, that if I then did pass away with cancer they would be somehow relieved that i'd gone.  It wouldn't hurt them as bad either.  In hindsight I know now that of course the only person who was doing the hating was me hating myself for being the way I was.  It was my way of coping at the time. I would like to think that if my cancer came back again, that I will handle it differently (a little older and wiser now :) ) Why not write your boyfriend a letter, explaining that you understand why he is pushing you away, explain how you feel, and that nothing has changed.  Then allow him to digest this.  He may come round, but please be prepared for him to stick to his decision.  Unfortunately even though your love and support would be of benefit to him right now, he may be too frightened to allow you to become close, this will be his way of protecting you.  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I feel so sorry for what you are going through - it's so hard being the partner, relative or friend of a cancer sufferer - it's harder than being the sufferer sometimes, believe me, as I am more upset, angry & stressed out knowing my mum is dying of cancer than I am fighting the disease myself. I believe it's all down to feeling in control - as a sufferer you can make decisions which make you feel you are in control of areas of your life but as a relative etc you can't do anything but accept what is happening. I think your boyfriend is making decisions that he thinks are giving him some control & one of them is how much he tells his family & whether he wants to put you through the heartache of whatever the future holds. He needs to have what little control over his life he can get & unfortunately you are one of the 'casualties'. Also, if he has suffered from depression before (Afghanistan?) it's only natural he will be feeling depressed about his diagnosis.

All I can suggest is that you contact your local Macmillan office or the national number & ask for counselling - they will listen to your problem & give you advice as to how to cope with your boyfriend's feelings. You may then have a better idea as to what to say when you write to him & hopefully he will see that you want to be by his side in his fight with this dreadful disease. 

With my best wishes,

Thank you, I wrote a letter and put it in with his stuff, I know I need to give him time and hope that he realises that I am here to support him.  I know deep down he's trying to protect me because before his diagnosis we were very open in discussing what we wanted our future together to look like, he feels that him having cancer won't allow some of that.

In a way I should have expected this as a few weeks ago he told me he thought I'd be better off without him and after we both cried and I told him that I wasn't going to abandon him we were OK again for a while.  This is why I think he's avoiding seeing me, out of sight makes it easier, including seeing my pic online it seems.

Hearing from other people helps as I know I'm not being irrational in being upset, I want to be angry at him but I'm just so worried because I love him.  Hopefully he'll come through this dip and want to talk, just hard being the one waiting and worrying :-(  

It's been 2 weeks and no contact despite my letter and sending him an email explaining that I understand but how his actions have affected me.  I thought we'd have spoken by now but now have started to question if he really meant it when he told me he loved me.

I'm annoyed that I have let his actions affect me so much as I am a strong person who has dealt with a lot, including losing a loved one to cancer.

My gut is that I walk away, surely he would have contacted me by now?

I still love and miss him but if he can treat me like this do we have a future?

Hi Muzza..I had the same experience as you and still trying to cope with it. Just a few months back I had a wonderful person with me who loved me a lot and gave me a new life. It was just perfect. I love every moment I spent with him. I did'nt know that all of this will end so soon. My boyfriend was diagnosed with lung cancer and pushed me away. Though his cancer has been diagnosed at an early stage and his surgery is successful, he is not being able to cope with the emotional stress. He has been so rude to me that now I simply can't recognise him. He even told me that he hates me. He blocked me on Fb for about 2 months and not communicating with me in anyway. I know he doesn't mean any of the hurtful words he said and still loves me, it’s not being possible for me to cope with it anymore. I feel absolutely lost. I am behaving rudely with everyone, have stopped going out or even lead a normal life. I am on anti-depressants. Sometimes I become mad at him, sometimes I feel that with the unimaginable pain he coping with, it’s not possible for him to communicate with me in a normal way. I didn’t mind any of his rudeness. I know what a lovely person he is and In Shaa Allah he will fight his way back. But I have no idea how much time it will take. Sometimes I feel absolutely hopeless, but all I can do is wait and trust my Lord.  It’s hard to accept my life is like this now, but I have decided to wait for him and be there no matter what...

I hate to know that someone else is going through this same thing, but your post and the replies helped me understand things a little bit better. My boyfriend was recently diagnosed with Ewings Sarcoma and we are so lucky we caught it before it spread to his lungs or bone marrow. Before cancer we talked about our lives in the next year, moving in together, getting married etc. After the diagnoses I attended every Drs visit with him and his parents.. I took care of him for the first few days of his first round of chemo. He introduced me to all his family for Christmas and then the next day he ended it. He said we could be together as soon as he was done with treatments but I didn't deserve this and he couldn't deal with the pressure of our relationship. I tried everything I could to reassure him that I could make it easier but it reaulted in being cut out of his life completely. It is incredibly hard but i still send him a text every day letting him know I care and love him and will be there for him if he ever needs anything, because that's all we can do. He is my main priority even though he doesn't want me there. He has told me before he is just protecting me and wants me happy even though it just hurts more. Don't give up on him, make sure he knows you still care and would do anything.. It's not easy at all. But the love we have for them is what makes this our fight and worth it 

Hi Muzza -- 

I know you posted this 6 or so years ago, but all of these posts are actually very enlightening for me at the moment, as I have recently gone through something very similar with my partner. I'm not sure you'll even see this since it's been so long, but if you do, my question is what was the outcome of all of this?  Did you continue waiting and did he come back to you? 

Just weeks before my boyfriend's diagnosis, we were talking to realtors, he had told me wanted to marry me, and he just received a job promotion.  My family knows and loves him, and he is usually the one to suggest we visit them. :-)  Even the morning of the diagnosis, everything was all love.  He basically told me (within hours of the news) that he couldn't drag me down with him, and that he couldn't take me with him when he went to treatment which might be for several months out of state.  He was firm on wanting to go through this alone. But, he also told me that I am the only one who knows about this (aside from his boss) and he would call me because he has no one else.  And, he had me keep his house key (just in case), and said I would be the "emergency contact" on his medical paperwork.

After a week, I received a box in the mail with some of my things from his house and a gorgeous bracelet that he had ordered awhile back for my birthday.  He included a note explaining the box, and that I might need this stuff, and ended the letter "P.S. I love you"...  I had only texted him twice at this point, and I finally heard from him (9 days after diagnosis when we last spoke) that he was "ok".  It was short, but at least I knew he was alright, and alive I guess.

It's now been another 11 days (nearly 3 weeks since the diagnosis) and I have not heard anything from him since.  I have sent him 2 texts checking in, and 2 letters in the mail.  Radio silence.  I honestly don't have a ton of hope after reading all of these posts, but like some of you, I have decided to wait for him, even though he told me not to.  I am trying to be a silent presence in the background, so he knows he can always come back.  I think the hardest part is just waiting, knowing that you may be waiting for many months.  I decided that he's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, so I feel like I can't give up no matter what.