Hi Everyone,
I am new to the site and thought I'd just explain my situation.
My Mum was diagnosed with Breast cancer back in 2012. She had surgery to remove the lump and a few sessions of radio therapy and it wasn't long before she was in remission. A couple of years went by and she was given the all clear, nothing had come back and it was all gone.
About 4 years ago she developed a really bad chest infection and was left with barely any voice for a few months. She was given antibiotics however it wasn't going away. She then ended up in hospital in pain and struggling to breath. At the hospital she had some scans and they found fluid on her lungs. They tested this fluid and it wasn't good. At the time she didn't tell me but she had been diagnosed as terminal with secondary cancer, that had spread from the breast cancer that she had previously had.
Over time she slowly got worse ending up in hospital and a hospice a few times. The steroids she had been given had caused her to hold a lot of water and gain a lot of weight. She also got osteoporosis so is unable to walk very far. The cancer had also spread to her brain but this was very small so they were able to get rid of that with one blast of radiotherapy.
My dad has been looking after her at home giving her her meds in the morning and at night. She has generally been ok, obviously tired and asleep a lot more than usual but she has been able to get out of the house. Go on days out ect. Since her diagnosis when she had to finish work she got into crafting and that has been keeping her occupied most of the time haha.
Last month she got an infection and was quite unwell for about a week however she had the strength to fight it off and a week later was back to her usual self. Unfortunately on Wednesday she was taken to hospital with another infection but hasn't been able to fight it as well this time so has been taken to hospital. It isn't looking good this time as they have had to stop giving her the antibiotics now because she doesn't have any veins left in her hand to send it through. She isn't really speaking but she knows we're there when she's awake and tries to say the odd word.
I feel guilty on my dad that I am not at home all the time and I also feel guilty that I didn't see my mum or talk to her as often as maybe I should have. I also have a brother and a sister that live at home. They're there a lot more than I am. When I was younger me and my mum were not the closest, we used to argue all the time. As I got older though the arguing stopped but I think that was just because I wasn't around as much. We're of very similar character so I think our personalities clashed and if we're around each other too much we argue. But now I feel guilty that I wasn't around that much recently.
I'm not much of a talker. I have a lot of people around me some of them didn't even know that my Mum has cancer until just recently. I've not even told my best friend that my mum is in hospital because she lives away and I just don't know how to tell her. I feel like I don't want to make the situation awkward and about me. I don't really like talking about my Mum being ill because I get upset. The only friends that I have actually told that my Mum is in hospital is the people that I work with just incase I'm not in anyday and they wonder where I am. I don't like crying in front of people, even my family. I don't like people knowing I'm upset and find it really hard talking about it. I just don't know how to broach the subject and tell them. I don't want them feeling sorry for me.
I know this post has been quite long, more like an essay haha but it has been nice to get this written down and out of my head. I just find it so much easier to talk to strangers about this than people I know.
Thank you for listening 
