Carers only

Looking after a loved one with cancer? This is a safe and supportive place to share your worries and emotions. Please remember when posting that this group is for Carers only.

Exhausted and stressful

milton123
Posted by

I am caring for my husband. He has terminal cancer. He was diagnosed two year ago, the second time.  Lately his condition has worsened and I am finding it so hard. He wants to do things which he can’t do. Sometimes he takes it out on me. I want what is best for him,  I love him. It is taking its toll on me. I am constantly tired and emotionally stressed. We only got married last year, it seems unfair that we will only have a short time together. We are in our sixties. This is my first post, can anyone give me some advice. I would love to hear from you. 

Will6
Posted by

Hello

i am so sorry to hear your news. I am also caring for my husband who has multiple myeloma. He had a few months of remission but suddenly and so very unexpectedly it has returned with a vengeance. This time we are  both struggling as it was such a shock as he seemed so well. My hubby has been getting very cross this time which is unlike him but we just keep talking and forgiving each other when we wobble. 
We have been married for 32 years but couldn’t have children so find ourselves living a very quiet life with our little old dog. 
Like you I love my hubby very much and I feel very tired all the time. He was my carer for the first 30 years as I am disabled but now roles have been swapped and I care for him now - and myself and the dog too! 
I don’t know if this will help you at all but if you want to reply maybe I can help you.

June

Niobe
Posted by

I don't  think there is any advice for dealing with this situation. I know, it is hard enough facing the inevitable, and the prospect of being bereft, without the arguments and grumpiness to which virtually every sufferer resorts sometimes. Even though we understand that they are tired, or in pain, or afraid, or even just angry with the world, when it turns on you it is hard to bear.

sometimes it helps the sufferer to be asked to do something for their family. My father ( terminal lung cancer)'took great solace in doing everything possible to make my mother's life easier after his death. All the accounts were in order, the will was simple and to hand, he told me what I had to do for her and for his funeral ( or rather lack of it, but that's another story).

my husband likes to make supper for me, to give me a night off . Even though the resultant mess in the kitchen is horrendous, and cleaning up is more trouble than if I had just cooked it myself, it is worth it because it gives him pleasure and I suppose a feeling of being a contributor, not a passenger. Are there things which your husband could do without too much trouble or fatigue , which would make him feel in control and supportive? Even just asking him to make you a cup of tea, so you can thank him might ease his anxiety and crossness.

O it is hard! we all,I think, feel despair sometimes. But we go on.

xxx Niobe

Akela2516
Posted by

I feel the same! I am very stressed and tired! I try to have time for myself but I feel wound up all the time and can't relax! 

I have had my haircut this morning and sat here with hair dye on to cheer myself up!!! 

I have a week's holiday from work to complete some of his bucket list! We have done nothing because he keeps complaining he is too tired and I'll and dying of cancer! Yes he is! But it seems that he won't try for me but will go out with others! Yes I am hurt and unhappy! I am really struggling with this! I want to make memories too not just be the one that battles to get to last minute appointments because I am working! I can't stop working it is not a practical option! 

If I say anything, it is his cancer, not mine and he doesn't want to discuss it! He doesn't want to be reminded but then he doesn't want to do anything! Then we end up rowing!!! I am so tired!!! 

So I know what you are feeling, it is exhausting and my smiles are fake!!! 

Sending you love and hugs xxx