I was a caregiver for my husband, who had multiple myeloma, for 12 years.
Last October I lost him to a heart attack, he died in a hospital room 90 miles away from me, alone. I am finding it hard to forgive myself for not being there, for not doing more.
A few months before Gerry passed I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lymphoma, and at the time of his death I was undergoing some pretty severe chemo and couldn't physically raise my head from my pillow. At that same time he was experiencing pullmonary symptoms that alarmed us, so we contacted a cardiologist at the Mayo Clinic (where he had been undergoing treatments for Multiple Myeloma)
It seemed like a good decision at the time, but on reflection I wish we would have found a cardiologist locally, in St. Paul, MN, which has many excellent hospitals.
As I write this, even as I think it, I KNOW how silly it sounds. Of course I couldn't do more than I was able at the time.
But the guilt of being a caregiver and feeling you haven't done enough can be overwhelming.
I'm currently recovering from Lymphoma. Walking is very difficult as I have peripheral neuropathy in both legs (numb from my toes to my waist) and I will always deal with severe pain in my back from several cracked vertibrae caused by a large tumor in my spine.
Thanks for listening.
