I need to talk

Hi JillW 

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. It is not that uncommon when sometimes people feel that sharing might be overwhelming and perhaps we did some of that in the past but we did get to a point where that was not going to work anymore. 

Remember the helpline is there for you too if you need to talk to someone - 0808 808 0000, it is open 8am to 8pm 7 days a week.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi, I’m just catching up on this site and even though it’s a while since you posted I wanted to say I can empathise with much of what you said. I’m in a similar position and like you we have been married for over 40 years, and my husband is the love of my life. It is, as you say, very hard on both of you (and us). Every day I have to say to myself “we’re doing our best” in what is an awful situation. If it would help to chat I’m more than happy to do that. In the meantime I just wanted to reach out in the hope that maybe it makes you feel less alone in this knowing that others are in a similar situation. Sometimes that knowledge does help me a little. Sending love to you both. 

I am in a similar situation to you except my husband is bedbound and I have to do everything for him. It’s exhausting and I worry that it’s destroying all the love we once had. We have been married 45 years too. When he has the operation 20 months ago followed by radiotherapy and chemotherapy he was doing well. But now I think with hindsight it might have been better not to have had the treatment. He’s ended up like this with no life or future and no dignity. And I know it’s selfish but I feel desperate and trapped.

Just wanted to let you know how much your saying ‘we’re doing our best in an awful situation’ has really helped me this week. I’m in a similar situation (husband of 41 years who I’ve known since I was 12 has been given months to live). I think it’s a good reminder that we’re all juggling so much, anticipatory grief, supporting our partners and children, worrying about the future, exhausted etc and we can only do our best.

Jane x

I’m sorry I’ve only just seen your reply Jane. A lot has happened with us and my husband is not very well at the moment. The worst part for me is seeing his mental anguish and not being able to relieve it for him. Cancer is so very hard. I’m glad my “we’re doing our best in an awful situation” comment was of some help to you. I am having to say it more and more to myself these days…and indeed I say it to my husband too because he really is doing his best in what is an utter nightmare for him. We only want the best for them don’t we? How are you? 

Hi Ellie we’re in what I’m calling to myself ‘the final chapter’! He’s had to stop the chemo as it wasn’t working and we’ve just been referred to the hospice. He’s going downhill quite fast so my guess is we’ve got a few weeks. I agree it’s the watching them suffer and not really being able to do anything that’s so hard to bear. I just hope by telling him how amazing he is and how much I love him that it helps somehow. 

I’m sorry to hear that. It must be very hard for you both. I am glad you are able to tell him how amazing he is. On some level I have no doubt it will be helping him. I send you both love. 

Hi jillw

like others who have replied to you, I am in similar situation. My husband and I have been married for 40 years. Since his diagnosis friends and family have been very busy with their own lives, work, holidays, etc. we have been left to manage each day on our own. We do pay for carers to call in three times a day but they offer little support to me, in fact they give me more work to do, washing, cleaning etc. 

my husband was diagnosed over a year ago and finds it impossible to accept the reality of the situation. This makes it really difficult to talk about and to deal with the everyday stuff of life that needs sorting out. I can’t talk to him about how I really feel because he doesn’t accept he has a life limiting condition. Writing on this page helps me express some of my thoughts and feelings. I also have counselling, as does my husband, from the psychology team at our local hospice. Your GP can refer you. Please do talk to your GP, they are often given the lead roll in providing and managing our care in the community as opposed to when your husband is in hospital. Contact your GP surgery and ask to talk to a doctor about your worries and how you feel and ask for help to get through each day. It doesn’t mean you are unwell, just an acknowledgement that you are dealing with extraordinary circumstances and that you’re human and need help right now.