So some of you may of read my previous post.
things aren’t good, I was offered end of life counselling which unfortunately couldn’t happen as be went of the rails meaning I missed appointments and rightly have had the offer withdrawn as others need the service to.
however I’m not ok since my last post my youngest who is now 18 has been having tests and they are leaning towards intestiknal cancer, I can assure you I crumbled and I crumbled hard!!
I am convinced I have ptsd. I’m having flashes of things that have happened with appointments when I least expect it but I’m now also having very vivid images of things that haven’t happened. Seeing him in a hospice not making it in time to say good bye. I can’t eat I can’t sleep I can’t settle I can’t distract myself. I’ve even contacted my gp who told me when this was over I’d feel better. So situational depression. …(no polite words for that gem)
this evening things came to a head and we had a row I told him he couldn’t blame me for not coping when I’ve had no time out since diagnosis no way to process and I’m watching him effectively die, and he said cancer doesn’t affected me and I should be thankful, I have to watch the mani planned a future with die how does that not affect me? I don’t know how many times I’ve said I’m not ok and I need a break for him to say tough I’m going out you can’t (addittional needs children) I don’t know where to go or what to do: of course it doesn’t affecting me the way he does but it DOES affect me and it will for a long time. After he’s gone.
am i wrong in this? I have zero support. None, no family friends that have left whilst he’s making holiday plans with friends and family away from me as he’s making memories with them. I need someone to be brutal with me. Am I being out of order for feeling the way I do I’m absolutely petrified, I put things in place to gain support and now I don’t have it because he left at 9am to get a haircut and returned home at 9am the next day leaving me no time to travel the 2 hour journey and get there in time: and I’m lost frightened and so scared on all counts. There is only so much I can hold in only so much I can hide from him about how I’m feeling. He says I have no right to feel the way I do Bob what’s so ever
