Anger and lashing out

Hi Yve,

I’m Emma, a member of the team here at Macmillan’s Online Community. I’d like to wish you another warm welcome to the site. 

Firstly, I’m really sorry to read of what you and your husband are going through. Caring for someone with cancer can be really tough and it sounds particularly difficult with your husband having seizures and not wanting further help and support.  Is his cancer team aware of your husband’s anger and behaviour? If not, it might be worth talking to them about this, as it could be linked to the cancer and/or the medication he’s on.

I also wanted to offer some further support for you both so have outlined a few options below.

Firstly, it can be really isolating supporting a loved one with cancer, especially if they do not want additional help. Please know that our Macmillan Support Line is there if you ever want to talk these things through with someone. Our Support Line teams are available 7 days a week, 8am-8pm on freephone 0808 808 00 00 for advice, emotional support or even just a listening ear. If you would rather speak to them via message, you can also do so via live webchat.

People can react very differently when a cancer diagnosis is given. This can often be the case for the patient and the loved ones of someone with cancer and there is no right or wrong way to deal with this - our booklet Cancer and Relationships discusses this in more detail.

It may also be worth looking at this page which outlines the support services in your area. And perhaps getting a care needs assessment through the NHS would be a good next step to ensuring you and your husband have the support needed to cope on a daily basis. For more information head to this page.

You mentioned your husband’s anger and lashing out. This must be very difficult for you to manage and distressing for you both. Importantly, if you feel unable to keep him or yourself safe, or either of you require urgent mental health support, then please call 999. You can also contact the Samaritans on 116 123 (24/7), or NHS 111 who can assess the situation.

Additionally, I’d encourage you and your husband to talk to your GP about how you are both feeling. They are there to help you with your mental health alongside his cancer experience and may be able to refer you to further support, such as Adult Social Care if that feels appropriate.

Finally, It is positive that you have joined the Carer’s Only Forum - there you will be able to ask questions to those in similar positions to yourself and it can be a great place to get tips and emotional support from other people whose partners are living with cancer.

I hope this information is helpful and that your situation improves, but please do not hesitate to get in touch if you have any further questions.

Take care,

1. Since this episode, I contacted our point of contact who just says we should go to A&E or contact our doctor.
2. The doctor has referred us for palliative care and pain medication
3. My husband has rapidly gone down hill. He has gone from walking normally to being very unsteady on his feet and spending most of the day in bed. He can not now use the stairs.
4. He is in pain and it is heartbreaking to see. The community nurse comes Monday so I'm hoping we can get aids  and higher pain meds as he needs 24 hour care.
5. His biopsy is Tuesday and until that is performed we had been told no treatment plan could be put in place. We then need results. An MDT meeting followed by a meeting with us. I am so frustrated with the lack of urgency. He has gone from a man planning our holidays to one that is struggling to function and carry out day to day activities. I'm worried he won't be able to have the procedure due to how rapidly he is losing his mobility. He can't have steroids and there is no other treatment for his brain metastasis in the UK.

I'm so sorry youre husband is going through this.

I lost my sister to brain cancer six years ago ,hers had come from the bowel.She spent some time in hospital,had a operation on her brain and then was sent home.She was on steroids,and I totally parparacetamol for the pain,like you're husband she quickly went from being able to walk  to being in bed declining rapidly .They upped her pain medication to morphine and then she was on a morphine drive which kept her pain free...maybe that might be an option if he's in a lot of pain.Her personality altered too and she could get angry sometimes.She went from a fit healthy working mum of 49 to bed bound and unrecognisable in weeks and like you I found it heartbreaking to watch.

I hope you find help and a treatment plan is offered .