Hi all,
I'm a 21 year old carer/companion to my mum who received a glioblastoma diagnosis in August and I just feel so lonely. At the beginning it was fine, my friends checked in on me, asked me how my Mum was but now there is very little. I live in a rural village and put my university course on hold to be with my mum which probably hasn't helped. In the first few months it was hard but I felt as if I was doing fine mentally, almost a year down the line I feel myself slipping into this depression and just complete loss of my sparkle. It's hard enough keeping up long distance friendships but sometimes my friends don't reply for days or weeks in which it's hard to keep the connection going. I understand that people don't understand but I wish I was told something different than that I'm really strong and everything happens for a reason. I don't want to be strong anymore. I just feel don't feel seen by anyone. Sometimes I just want to vent to somebody that isn't going to take 5 working days to reply.
I had mental health issues when I was a teenager and I worked so hard to get through that, I feel like I'm slipping back into that time again which breaks my heart. Does anyone feel like when they're not the fun, sparkly friend anymore people pivot to others because they're not the same person. Some weeks the only reason I leave my village is to go to Tesco and have little interaction with others. I only realised this a couple of weeks ago but I had a shopping problem, spending money to just fill this massive void in my life, thinking that if I bought the clothes others wore it would make me into a different person. Spoiler..it didn't!
I guess at the moment I don't see an end to this loneliness tunnel and it's the trenches out here. My parents get angry because they say I make them feel guilty that I'm lonely but at the end of the day it all stems from there fact that I just want my normal life back. I mean how many 21 year olds understand the feeling of having a dying parent , having to watch them decline every single day. It wasn't meant to be like this.
I am actively seeking therapy or somebody professional to talk to but they can't come to the pub with me or those mediocre things you do in friendships. I feel so alone and it makes me angry. I know I'll get through and it won't always be like this but if anyone has any advice or a similar experience. I try so much to fill my own cup, I exercise and run, I'm a keen knitter but I guess nothing can take away this pain.
