My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hello everyone,

Thanks for the words Patricia and special hugs for you coming up to 2 years.  I know also what you mean about shutting yourself away.  I was just thinking about that recently.  Since Wully died I have built a new life and a new social life with new and old friends.  And I look back to a year ago where I felt quite isolated and alone and now I have lots of people around me but I think I am feeling I am needing some time alone and away from it all.  Whether this happens or not is another thing but I think I maybe need a few quiet weeks to recharge and rethink what I am wanting.  I just haven't had a minute recently and I am exhausted and have spent hardly any time on my new business.  I think I just need to get off the rollercoaster for a wee bit to recuperate.  Pam, sorry you are having such a rollercoaster at the moment.  It is awful in places like garden centres, etc.  I usually avoid these places unless I really need to go.  Bren, sorry to hear you have been down as well.  As I said I am feeling a hideaway phase coming on and sometimes I think it is necessary although you have to be careful that you only do it for a short time to lick your wounds or I would end up not getting back out there.  I hope the handyman comes soon. 

I got a phonecall today from my consultant and he is going to operate on 14th March.  I am glad I have a date and know whats happening but of course I am apprehensive.  Just have to get on with it!  I should only be in one night and then recuperate at home.  Anyway, take care penguins. 

Gayle xxx

Well, here it comes... the crash. Today is the 2nd anniversary and I just want to scream at the world that it is not fair. That this should not have happened. That he should still be here with me enjoying life and moaning at the injustices in the world. Instead I am sitting here quietly on my own with the tears pouring down my face. I hate feeling like this and hate myself for being so pathetic but can't do a thing about it. Life seems so meaningless at the moment and I just wish.... well I just wish..... but wishing won't change the fact that he is gone and is not ever coming back. I have been strangely calm for the past week and suddenly woosh..... a great feeling of despair and sadness has descended on me along with this tidal wave of water rushing from my eyes. I am hoping that it will soon calm again and I will get to some semblance of normality (hahaha what on earth do I think is normal???). If you have managed to get this far then thank you for reading and I hope I have not sent you into a decline.

Please take care and be kind to yourselves. Give yourselves time to grieve, to heal, to recover and mostly allow yourselves to smile and be happy.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Gayle, good luck for the op. I hope all goes well.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Patricia sending loads of hugs your way.  You cannot bring us down but we are here to listen to you.  I do hope you manage to get some rest, it must be pretty late over there now and I hope you get through the day the best way you can.  Gayle good luck on the operation, it must be scary to think of it, I know now how much I took for granted that Dan was always there when I was ill or needed him.  It is so very hard alone now.  But you both have come through so much.  I am still not doing great but going through the motions, getting to work.  Had to wrestle the dog today at the vet.  I took him in for a nail clip, he is such a baby, the vet's assistant and I had to hold him down while she clipped his nails, at 85 pounds that was a struggle for us!  Now he is stretched out on his own human bed sound asleep!  The sun did come out today for a little while, the snow has melted down a little so maybe there is hope of spring coming soon.

sending hugs to everyone xxxxx

Bren

Just wanted to leave you all some comforting (((((((((hugs))))))))) especially for Patricia..........you need them right now xxxxxx

Morning penguins, Thinking of you today Patricia and sending you a big hug. Gayle hope all goes well on your operation, how's the boys doing? Hugs for everybody else. Not a lot going on with me just struggling on somedays better than others. Went to racket ball last night so I can hardly move this morning not played anything like that in years. Got Boyzone in a fortnight not been out in ages so looking forward to that. Had Charlie Sat night he is now walking and getting into everything, but love looking after him. Well I better get on with some housework love to all old and new penguins. Fiona xxxx

Oh Patricia, you could never bring us down.  Where else can you post how you feel and know that we are all there for you.

Sending you lots and lots of penguin (((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

May you find some sort of peace

Take care

Pammie xx

Big hug especially for Patricia, just wanted you to know I am thinking of you today.

Take Care

Kay

HI there fellow penguins and especially Patricia

I haven't even got to the first anniversary yet and am dreading it - I am not at all surprised at your reaction to today - Im still going through my 'firsts' and I cant believe how I am reacting - one minute I'm coping then the next I'm in floods of tears - yesterday I thought I would have a look through all of the files on the laptop - Will used to enjoy writing, poems, short stories and the odd article for a local booklet that was deleivered locally - there is lots and lots of his work and I stumbled upon his diary notes from when he first found out about the cancer back in Jan 2007 right through to the end of 2008 - most of his writings very rarely ever mention me - it is something I used to be upset about but I have since come to realise that he didnt want to share our relationship with anyone else even in his diary.  As I was reading I re-lived all of the times he talked about - there were even one or two small surprises about how he was feeling at a particular moment but nothing that either hurt or upset me - it was like walking down memory lane knowing I was reading his words and his thoughts it felt quite comforting - then I came across a paragraph about me - he said how he had never felt so completely loved in a relationship before and that he was able to be himself with fear of being judged or critised he said he felt 'at home' with me and that he owed me so much and that I was very special to him - well you can imagine - I just howled and howled - oh I knew we loved each other beyond anything you can imagine but to read those words - words that he had actually penned himself was sooo heartrending - I cried for my loss and for the fact I will never hear him say these words to me - I wanted to be able to go to him and thank him for what he written - I want to tell him how much I loved him and to feel his huge arms around me again - but I cant and I hate it - my one regret is that I dont have any video of him - apart from our wedding and that is poor quality - I have about a 3seconds burst on my phone when I accidentally videod him instead of photographing him - I really wish now I had done so many more videos - just to be able to see him walking and talking would be wonderful even if it is on the screen.

I have been doing the same as you Pammie, 'this time last year' etc etc everything I do or say or think about is usually centered around when Will died 'oh that was before he dies' or 'that was when we found out about the cancer returning' - At first it was something just I did because I used to do that after I found out my first husband had had an affair... but now I see that its a trait a lot of us have.

Patricia I hope for a better day for you tomorrow

Pammie thank you for your chat - I related so much to this

Gayle good luck with your op - I hope it goes really well for you

And to all my penguin friends keep warm, safe and comforted in the huddle and hopefully have a good day tomorrow and thank you so much for being there, listening, welcoming, understanding and advising - I was going to say you have no idea how much you help me - but you all do know dont you?

(((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))) to you all

Janet x

evening to all penguins

big big special (((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))) for Patricia today and over the next few days. I don't yet know what it feels like to be where you are today, unfortunately I will find out at some point and I hope I have been helpful to others along the way like you have been. So this is your time to pause. As my cousin wrote in her card,

'Do not hurry as you walk with grief, it does not help the journey.Walk slowly pausing often, do not hurry as you walk with grief' (George mcDonald)

Unfortunately having lost her 18year old daughter she kind of knows what she is saying. And strangely for the first couple of months I did physically walk slower, i just couldn't make on foot go infront of the other any quicker. But i don't think it was ment physically, just don't rush this process, it can't be forced. So many years together are not going to feel ok about being lost and carrying on takes time. So we remember them and miss them and cry for them. Nothing wrong in that at all.

Gayle I will join the others in hoping your op goes well and the boys give you a bit of rest while you recover.

Ok enough from me time to get back to the night of TV! ok  you caught me avoiding the gym again, but i am definately going tomorrow night, still off the running though.

Keep swimming, life rafts out for the ones who are struggling, with a large bottle of baileys and mugs of hot chocolate.

Becky