My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Thank you all so much for your messages of support. Today has been very difficult. I spent most of it in tears. I do not understand why this year was so much harder than last year although if the past year was anything to go by then I should not have been surprised. So I am now officially into year three. I cannot believe this. I am moving further and further from the time when we were a couple and I also know I am making no sense. Today was a beautiful but cold, sunny day. I went up to the 'place' and laid some flowers. Then I got out my inflatable cushion and sat for a while enjoying the quiet and solitude and the beautiful view. then I took out my book and read a few chapters whilst feeling the sun warm on my back. From there I went to the hospice to leave a donation in Ray's memory and whilst there I went into the chapel and signed the book which is always there for people to put down their messages. There are several folders there with the names of people who have died. I had three seperate ones out in front of me. My aunt died in 1999, my mother in 2007 and Ray in 2009. So, so sad to think that my family alone has had so much input from the hopsice and the macmillan services. From there I went to visit with my bro in law (Ray's brother) and wept on his shoulder. Once I had composed myself enough, I went to visit my mother in law and took her some daffodils seeing as it is St.David's day. She looked terribly sad and my heart went out to her.  My family have been sooo supportive. I am so lucky to have such good family and friends and am sure I don't deserve such kindness. This day has been so long and so tiring. I feel absolutely exhausted with the overwhelming rush of 'swinging' emotions today.  In fact because I was so 'unstable' I kept my hat on and pulled down as far as possible so that I could 'hide' under it. I must have looked rediculous but did not care. So what will this year bring?? mmm.... I dread to think.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Dear, dear Patricia I so wish words could help or we had more than words to send you, of course we do send more than that we send love and understanding but oh how I wish there was something more that we could all feel to help with all of this.  You are doing so well with all that is happening around you and you have been so brave today (sorry it's yesterday now isn't it), be kind to yourself and get into the middle of the huddle for some comfort xxxxx

I have just read through the last few days again, I'm sure I have read most of it before but only some bits seem to have stuck, I'm sorry.  I always answer your posts in my head and there are things I want to say but they never seem to make it onto the page when I get this far, but please all of you know that I think of our little team a lot, every day sending you all lots of love.  Gayle I do hope they can get you sorted, it isn't fair to be in pain and so worried especially with your little chaps to look after and Billie to worry about too.  Bren I know what you mean about obstacle courses, my house is very much like that, there is so much stuff to sort through still - most of it my son's (Daniel) and a lot of it my daughters (Samantha) but some of it mine too and most of it destined for the rubbish tip I'm sure, I wish the kids would get theirs done but it is more convenient to leave it at mum's it's not in their way then!  Sorry again girls, I am trying to get my brain in gear here (I know it's the wrong time of the morning for that) but not being able to flick back to the previous pages to refresh my memory is a nuisance, I hope your new days are easier for you all, I know in most cases they will be more of the same and accompanied by the numbness and "just getting along" feeling but keep going, keep swimming we're all here together.

Love and hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rosemary, thank you fior yiour kind words. I know you are having a difficult time yourself right now. I know some of it is potentially happy but it is also very stressful. I hope that you manage to keep your head above water for the next few weeks.  Seeing the time of your post suggests to me that you are having trouble sleeping. ((((hugs))))

I hope everyone has the best day they can.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Morning everyone.  I have a day off work today.  I am having my hair done and going to a reunion later today but this morning I am trying to tackle my car/van demons.  I am taking my car to my Dads at lunchtime so a mechanic can have a look at it tomorrow and hopefully repair it for me.  On Tuesday my van started making a noise which is a bit concerning because I am driving to Wiltshire on Saturday for my brothers 50th.  As vehicles really concern me that was the last thing I needed.  However I have phoned the mechanic who looks after the van and he has asked me to take it to him for him to listen to tomorrow afternoon.  If he says I shouldn't take it far until it is repaired I will have to go to Wiltshire in the car.  It is a bit small so it will be uncomfortable but hey ho.  If the car isn't finished either then my daughter has said I can take her car.  Basically, I just need to stop stressing about vehicles.  I am annoyed with myself for letting it become an issue.

Patricia - lots of ((((hugs)))) for you.  You fitted so much into Tuesday.  So like you to be thinking of the others in your life who are missing Ray as well.  I enjoyed reading what you wrote about the ballet.  It sounded really good.  Like you & Gayle I have noticed recently that I am inclined to want to hide away a bit.  Also just like Bren I have spent a lot of the past couple of weekends on my own.  It is strange - I feel very lonely when that happens but also feel I can be myself and give in to my feelings.  I have to admit to spending quite a bit of the time on my own in tears.  I am sure the tears are better out than in though.  I think I have also started to feel like nearly 2 years is a long time to anyone who hasn't done this and that some people I know will be running out of patience with my memories of Chris.  I thnk I am making this sound a lot worse than it actually is - I am just finding it a lot easier to be on my own with my thoughts and memories of Chris than trying to share them with people who might be wandering why it is still uppermost in my mind.

Becky, Pam I hope you are both managing to get to the gym.  Now the days are a bit longer I am going to have a look at going on some nice walks I think.  I will get the van sorted out and drive to some nice places I think.  I might even be able to drag the kids along.

Pam Chris was a Man Utd fan as well.  It is lovely to read about your trip to Old Trafford.  We had a special trip there just 9 days before Chris died.  They provided us with a personal tour guide and speeded Chris through all the other visitors (me running with the wheelchair!) so that he could see as much of what he wanted to see.  They made it fun as well once they knew Chris was enjoying the laugh by making a big thing of speeding him past other people.  Chris found it a real struggle but knew he was making a wonderful memory for Stuart (our son).  I have a lot of pictures from the day but one in particular that they took of them both with the trophies.  It is hard to look at sometimes because Chris looks very ill but he also looks like a man on a mission which is all good.  I am fortunate in that I have DVDs from holidays and also of Chris singing with a band.   I have him singing on my ipod and he made a video message for us all about 3 weeks before he died.  I watch them occassionally but I make sure I am going to be on my own for at least a day though.  I would warn anyone that it is harrowing and exhausting watching things like that.  I quite like listening to hm sing - that is nicer than watching him.

Janet that was so lovely finding the paragraph in the diary.  Mixed feelings I know but something really special all the same.  I have to say I am still fasinated when I read about some of the wonderful talents and interests that our loved ones had.  No wander they have left such gaps.

Gayle I am glad there is a date set for your operation.  We will all be thinking about you and with all those good thoughts behind you I hope you will feel a tiny bit better about it.  It needs to be sorted xxx  I'm glad to hear that Billie is recovering.

Bren I hope there has been some progress with your floor so that you can sort out your obstical course.  You seem to have had snow for a long time now.  It will be nice for you to get some Spring.  Fiona it's nice to hear from you - racketball!  No wander you ache, I ache thinking about it.  I am suppose to be going to a zumba class but haven't managed it so far.  I think we will get to it next week.  Rosemary maybe you will have to wait until after the wedding for Sam & Daniel to take some fo their things away now.  They know you are distracted.  When the dust settles you will have more luck getting them to do it.  I would love to share again when we go to Birmingham so I will ring you and sort that out.

Well this is not getting things done with my day off is it.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Ailsa, I hope you enjoy your day off and your reunion tonight. 

It does look like our men had one thing in common.  Martin loved the team, he always has, don't really know why as he did not come from the area.  But I think there is something about the team which brings together people from all over.

I never had any photos or DVD's of Martin when he was ill.  He had such a short time, so we never got around to taking any.  Which I am probably glad about now, as I can only look back on ones when he was well.  I have DVD's of him on our holidays, but have yet not been brave enough to look at them.  I know the distress it will cause me.  I do feel a bit stronger than I used to be, but do not think I am that strong yet. 

I have been in the loft today, sorting out my holiday clothes.  It was quite emotive and, although I am lucky to be going on holiday next week, there is no excilleration which there used to be with our holidays together.  It will be the first holiday without Martin.  I will be going with friends who we used to holiday with, so I am going into that with mixed feelings. I have also been sorting out old paperwork, and think perhaps I should not have tried doing both on one day.  It has made me quite sad.  But that is to be expected now days. There are not many things that happen that do not make me sad.  But I suppose that is the nature of the beast. Still I am hoping that some warmth and sunshine will help my mood.

Still I have a good friend coming round this afternoon, so that should lift my spirits some.  She lost her partner some years back so she really know how I feel and we can talk so easily together.

Anyway, I hope all you lovely penguins have as good a day as you can.

I am trying so hard to keep swimming, and do find the waves are not crashing over my head quite so often.

Take care

Pammie xx

Hi everyone.  Pam I hope you had a lovely visit with your friend.  When is your holiday?  It must be in just a few days now so I know it will be difficult but try to have a really lovely time and a good rest at least.

I had a very busy weekend but I am not at work today so that has helped.  One vehicle is all sorted and we are friends with each other again now.  Believe it or not there was nothing at all wrong with any springs or joints on my car - it was a leaky valve on a back tyre.  It was letting the tyre go partially flat but then stopping leaking.  Because it has low profile tyres and wasn't going completely flat I couldn't easily tell.  Once I knew there was nothing else wrong the tyres was all it could be - that is when I actually caught the valve leaking.  It has been repaired now and is driving lovely.  I used it for the long drive for my brothers birthday and all went well..  The van is more poorly though so that is going in to be looked at on Wednesday.  For this time it seems to be a good thing I have 2 but once they are both sorted I am going to see about consolidating to one.  It really has been too stressful worrying about them both these last couple of weeks.

My brother seems to have had a good time for his birthday which is nice.  I still found myself really missing Chris though.  I wander how long it will take before I don't spend the whole time I am with people, thinking about him.  It really didn't help that I was the only person at the meal on my own.  There was an empty seat beside me as well but I think that was just the way the table would normally have been laid.  They are not to know that it serves as such a reminder to me that Chris is not there.  I think a year ago someone would have spotted that and moved the chair but my family seem to be forgetting now.  I suppose that is how it should be but it still makes me sad.

It is a lovely day here today and my son has just been to see me on his way to work so that was nice.  I had better make the most of the afternoon now.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Oh Ailsa, that must have been hard sitting and putting on the happy face for everyone with an empty chair beside you, for us it would scream "he's missing! he should be here!" but no one else notices any more do they, for those that haven't walked this path we must be getting over it by now and moving on musn't we?  To try and tell people how every day we miss them still, most days there are tears shed or nearly shed over the littlest of things or something big we have to cope with, they wouldn't understand, I've even been told not to live in the past!  Family care but they still don't really know.  It's only now that mother in law keeps saying "you have to do this don't you Rosemary, is it like this for you?" - she also repeats this frequently in many forms as she forgets within minutes of any conversation what's been said.  None of us want to sit about being miserable or making others miserable, but I do wish we could make them aware that life is no longer the same for us and we aren't adjusting to it and getting on we are just coping day to day.  My Sam is such a sweetheart and tries her hardest to look after me and we do see each other most days, bless her I sometimes feel so jealous that she is so happy and cosy with her Wayne to look after her and give her a hug when she needs one - I could never tell her just how much I still hurt inside, she can't fix it and she would worry so.

Today I did two hours in the garden - the sun was shining and I got warm enough to take my jacket off!  The bird bath arrived for father in laws ashes, going in the garden with Steve, so I wanted to get the weeds cleared and rake away the leaves and generally get on with all the maintenance I feel awful I haven't had time to do properly since the autumn set in.  I did apologise to Steve that I hadn't taken care of his garden, then I muttered about Daniel who was going to help me clear the weeds and get down a proper membrane and bark chips but of course has been far too busy, anyway it's looking better now and father in law is in place - although I will need Daniel to help me get him level, I'm sure he is feeling a bit uncomfortable and unsettled right now as he did like things properly done and was a perfectionist - hopefully he will have patience with me until I can pin Dan down with a spirit level and a few stones to shove under the base!

Pam have a lovely holdiay, as Ailsa says it will be hard but hopefully the change of scene will help you relax a bit.  Gayle how are you and Billie doing?  How is everyone else too - it's a bit quiet on here at the moment, does that mean we are all busy or all hiding in our penguin houses (igloo's?) and keeping the duvet over our heads?  Hope you are all ok, sending lots of love and hugs to everyone xxxxxxx

Just for you, Rosemary xx

Oh Rosemary - I wonder if you are inside my head? Each day I think I wonder if I'll have a tear-free day and usually by the end of it I have cried numerous times.  I look forward to the day when I dont cry.

I was told today that I haven't grieved properly yet! WHAT?? what on earth am I doing then? what do these people know that haven't gone through what we all have? The damn platitudes like - time will heal - it'll get better - you'll cope - etc etc it drives me round the bend - dont we have enough to deal with without some 'clever' nut thinking they know how we're feeling and what  should be going on in our head... I wouldn't wish what we're going through on anyone - but it drives me mad when some people think they know what they're talking about.  On the other side of it I have a number of friends who say I can't imagine what you're going through - now that I can cope with because at least they know they're not in our position and accept they have no concept of it.   Sorry my penguin friends - rant over.

I am going to the States on the 21st March for two weeks with my youngest son John and his fiancee - we'll be staying with a friend in Frederiscksberg, Virginia - I have very mixed emotions about this - I am really looking forward to going but also I'm dreading going - why am I so mixed up? - I know why because Will isnt going to be with me - this is something we had planned for ages but each year we had to put it off because something else took presidence - like our wedding or modernising the house and this year was going to be the year we went - and I am but without him.... is anyone else like me - you type for a few minutes then have a cry - wipe the tears and then carry on typing....So I'm off to the States and then when I get back I will be going to Lindisfarne in Northumberland to have a memorial bench placed opposite St Cuthberts Island in memory of Will - dont know if any of you know this place but it is beautiful - we were married on 21 July 2008 in Lindisfarne Castle and had a fairy tale wedding day - and on our first visit there back in 2005 we sat on a bench opposite St Cuthberts Island just staring at the view and taking in the peace and senerity of the whole area when Will suddenly said 'Thats where I want my ashes scattering' and thats where they are... and now I will be able to sit on Wills bench and look at the Island knowing that is where my wonderful amazing husband is.

Well I feel I have gone on and on and I hope I haven't bored you rigid!! I hope you are all able to have a reasonable day tomorrow and that you are able to pop your heads out from your duvets

Lots of pengiun (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) to each and every one of you

........and lots of  love too - Janet xx

Morning girls

I've haven't dropped by recently - but am here now with comforting ((((((hugs)))))) for all my penguin friends........ 

Rosemary - your post sounds so sad and lonely - I had a tear in my eye as I read it.........And guilty feelings in my heart that I have not been in touch recently with my Stepmum.........I know she is missing Dad - but like your MIL she constantly repeats herself and it wears me out trying to be diplomatic with her......... I hope you can put FIL straight soon so that he will be all ship-shape and comfortable.........

Janet - by the time I had finished reading your post I was in tears and had to take a minute to compose myself.........I am one of those who cannot imagine just how you are feeling and coping each day without your partners - but I feel that we each deal with our grief in our own way....And although there seems to be a pattern to grief we each follow our own path through it - eventually learning to deal with the ups and downs along the way...........taking baby steps till we stop tottering.......

We visited Lindisfarne - with Dad and Stepmum - for the first time last October.  I can picture your seat in place and when I visit again (and I hope there will be many more visits) I will look out for it and sit a while - if you don't mind?  The peace and wild beauty of that place is so special - and I have happy memories of a lovely holiday............. so why am I in tears again??

I have now forgotten what I was going to say to the rest of the penguin huddle - sorry girls..........but here are more comforting (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) for you all to help keep you afloat and hopefully swimming with the tide (instead of against it)

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx