My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi Rosemary
Thanks so much for your lovely post.  I have had some really bad recently but last night and today feel a bit better.  I just comes in waves and its difficult to change your thought pattern.  I think it helped staying at my Mum's last night.  You are such a supportive crowd but it is really hard going and much I thought.  Like people have mentioned before some 'friends' have melted away after a couple of weeks.  I cant understand it and it is hurtful and it would be easy to get angry.  I dont know if its better to be straight with them when they eventually reappear or say nothing.  I dont want to appear to be too needy.

love Theresa

Hello Theresa, people are certainly very odd, especially when dealing with our situation but to be honest I don't know if I have ever been any better with others before now and knowing what it is we are feeling in bereavement.  Some people say nothing, some say too much and some just say the wrong things - one woman said how sorry she was to hear I had lost Steve and then added "but then you knew it was going to happen" - obviously that made it so much better.  I'm sure she didn't actually mean to be hurtful or totally stupid but she wanted to say something and maybe thought that in her head that it must have been easier to know in advance.  Another lady saw Sam (my daughter) and I for the first time, gasped, clutched her chest and said in a tiny voice "hello" and hurried on.  Well that made us laugh of course as we knew she was just overwhelmed, shortly after that she came and found us and said she was so sorry she just didn't know what to say, so we had a hug and it was fine, we knew what she meant.  It is so much harder than we could ever imagine and if one more person says how strong I am I swear I'll throttle them, there is no choice but to be strong but actually behind closed doors and in the wee small hours I don't feel very strong, I can be in a heap and a total meltdown and that isn't being strong but it is being human.  Don't worry about how you appear, if they are real friends they won't think of you as "needy" they will just be there for you, when they ask how you are doing you can say honestly "I'm ok but this is so hard, I didn't know I could miss him this much and it hurts so much too"  then they can say all the usual reassuring things and at least you haven't had to say "I'm fine".

So here I am, still trying to write this wedding speech (for those of you just joined us my daughter is getting married 9th April) and I have written three opening paragraphs and scribbled them all out, walking through the woods with the boys (two Rhodesian Ridgebacks) I actually got it flowing and was quite pleased with the start of i, but of course have forgotten everything - I should have recorded it on my phone.  Maybe tonight when the fencing men have gone, the dogs are fed and asleep, Sam is at home with Wayne and Daniel.... goodness knows what Daniel will be up to - he's only gone and got himself a pet snake! - anyway maybe tonight when the world is quiet I will find the peace and time to get it all flowing again, along with the tears I'm sure.  I want to get it written so I can practise a few times and be sure it is what I want to say, how to sum all that up into a 3 - 5 minute speech?

Right off again to make coffee for the fencers, will be back later to check on you all, lots of love and big hugs (too early for Baileys) xxxxxxx

I know what you mean Rosemary about people thinking you are so strong.  I have a Brother and SIL who think, because I fill my days and am going on holiday, that I am having a fantastic time and they feel jealous.  It has nothing to do with the fact that I am trying so hard to get this new life to fit.  I am trying to be as outgoing as I can, who wants to listen to someone who is always crying and gryping, and so people think that I am on the mend.  OMG I only wish I was.

Today was a really c**p day.  I parked at Tescos while myself and a friend went shopping and when I came back some lovely person had backed into my car.  No dents, but lots of paint hacked off to metal.  Will need to be an insurance job, with £150 excess.  I then went to get some petrol and forgot to give the assitant my voucher for 5p off per litre until she had rang up and then she told me I could not use it because it was too late.  Well talk about the last straw and all that, I just tossed the voucher on the counter, told her she might as well keep it as it was now no use to me (or words to that effect!) , and then flounced out.  Poor woman probably wondered what on earth was going on.  But by the time I got back to the car I was in floods of tears.It does not take much does it.  Now tell me I am strong and 'getting over it'. 

I have sorted it out with the insurance company and they are sending someone to look at the car.  So that has been sorted out, be it with me having to fork out £150 for the privilege.

Feeling a bit better tonight.  Just wondering if I will ever be strong enough to deal with these things.  I was thinking of seeing if I could get some temp work, but think I might have to put this on hold.  Today has shown me I am not yet ready.  Will I ever be I wonder.  How long does it take to get used to this new life.  Although deep down I know the answer to that one "it will take as long as it takes".

Anyway, hope you all have as good an evening as you can.

Will not go and pour myself out a large Baileys.

Pammie xx

Oh Pammie what a dreadful time you've had. 

I hink being on a somewhat short fuse is about par for me at the moment.  It seems to be the little things that set me off most. 

As for family.......... most of the them seem to think that because Gary worked hard to ensure we had a comfortable retirement, I am now set up as rich widow.  I would happily give all the money away if only I could have Gary back fit and strong.

I am being presured at the moment to go to my sister's ruby wedding bash next months.  I keep saying i am not yet up to socialising on that scale, but noone will listen.  One after another lmy brother and sisters tell me i should make the effort for the "family" so we will all be there.  But we won't, my husband of 43 years is gone.  I wish them all a happy evening, but just cannnot contemplate being there.

Today has not been too bad.  I managed to catch up with letter writing (official) and housework.  Tomorrow I am venturing to the out of town shops have made a list this time, so i don't coe home with only half of what I need again.

Tomorrow is another day, I can only hope it will be slightly better than today.

Take care

Daffie   xxx

Evening everyone.  Pam, Daffie, reading your posts I just want to send you lots of ((((hugs)))).  Car problems Pam are guarenteed to wipe me out completely and send me running home crying for Chris.  Well done to you for sorting it out with the insurance company.  I think what Rosemary says is right and that people don't realy mean to be mean but if they haven't felt what we are having to feel they are often shallow enough to think that the huge effort we each put into getting through each day is us getting over what has happened.  My brother was visiting my parents this weekend.  After being very attentive in the first few weeks after Chris died he has not been in touch much - just like my other brother and my 2 sisters really.  He was being a little flippant when I went round to see him and his family at my M & Ds on Saturday (about a gift Chris gave me before he died) but then he came to my house on Sunday.  He is an artist and was very interested in my round window.  I have to say that I think when he had a look at the window and noticed Chris & my initials in the design and then looked around and saw the photos of Chris and my family around the house he had a bit of a wake up call.  Don't get me wrong - the house is not a shrine but we always had a lot of family photos displayed when Chris was alive and I haven't taken any down (why would I?).  It is just that friends & family forget how awful this is because they are not faced with it daily.  I am very, very glad they are not but sometimes they almost forget too much.  My lovely little brother remembered on Sunday and looked slightly subdued as a result.  He and his wife gave me a slightly bigger hug when they left than when they arrived.  Just like you Pam, I don't want to be crying and grying all the time but it is upsetting when people read that as us getting over what has happened.  Maybe you will get the chance just as I did on Sunday for a subtle reminder to go out.

Daffie you must stick to your guns and do what you feel you can when it comes to your sister's ruby wedding.  If it seems they are not listening to you focus on you and do what you are comfortable with.  There are lots & lots of things we do because we must but wedding anniversary celebrations are a little too personal I'm afraid - I think I have said that before.  They are the ones no-one else seems to understand.  Send them a meaningful gift and a special message if that is appropriate, because their anniversary is special but if you will be too upset by going follow your instincts and don't go.  Good luck with the shopping tomorrow.

Well I am surprisingly tired so I am off to bed.  Bren I hope you are feeling a little better.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Hello everyone,

Welcome to the new people and I will just echo everyone elses messages.  Not good to be here but hopefully you find the support you need from these lovely people.  Sheena, I lost my husband to oesophageal cancer and he was 46 so I am sending you big hugs.  Our children sadly were not grown up and only 4 and 3 at the time (my husband was older than me).  Pam, so sorry to hear about your terrible day.  No wonder you were in floods of tears.  Rosemary I am sure your speech will be fantastic.  I thought Billie was doing okay (apart from driving me mad with her stupid collar) but then her ear seems to be filling up again with blood.  My dad took her in again today and the Vet says its okay just now so just have to wait and see.  I got the collar but still using the old one as the problem with the new one is that she can get her paw over it to scratch the buttons unfortunately.  Although she smashed the traditional one to bits (running into my patio doors!) so I had to get a new one today.  If she breaks this one she is onto the inflatable one as it is costing me a fortune.  I had asked the Vet for a better explanation and you are right although I didn't know about the bit about the stitches coming away so the buttons hold them.  I think our vet cut the buttons off her cardie too lol.  She could have at least used pink!  Thats lovely that Ailsa and Patricia got to meet up and glad it gave you a lift Patricia.

I had a good weekend.  I was out on Friday but a quietish night and then my friend was over Saturday night.  Busy week this week again though.  I am going in for my ultrasound tomorrow and don't have to tell you I'm pretty nervous about what they will find.  The consultant said he could feel some bulk last week and I am hoping it will be easily rectified although the thought of the op isn't helping.  It will be hard to recover from it and take care of the boys but I will just have to manage.  Hopefully I will get the results tomorrow or Wednesday (the consultant is phoning after it has been done - the joys of private health) and then he will tell me when the op is.  I think it will be pretty soon though because it is private.  And of course there is always the worry that it is something more serious but I am putting that to the back of my mind at the moment.  I don't want to tell the boys either as they worry when I am ill (understandably) so I will just tell them I am going away for a couple of days for work.  Anyway, better go and head to bed.

Take care penguins

Gayle xxx

Hello dear friends, just dropped in becausew as you can probably see by the time, sleep is still an elusive commodity in my world.

Daffie, it is very hard to go to family gatherings and I am sure you will do what is right for you. In the early days, I went to most things but would often 'disappear' for a while to be by myslef and gather my thoughts and feelings. Family members were always very concerned but I always assurfed them that I was ok on my own and just needed some 'space' for a little while. Do you think that might work for you?

Gayle, good luck with your scan and the results. I hope things are not as bad as you anticipate. I hope Billie dog is soon on the mend and does not need any more 'surgery'.  Big hugs to you and the boys.

Theresa, you are I am sure doing the best you can and enjoying any good times with your husband. The penguins will keep you safe as long as you need them to.

Pammie, car troubles seem to be a common theme. Not long after Ray passed, I had several issues which were car related and just reduced to me a gibbering wreck (I felt such a fool). I hope it is not too costly for you but at least it was the car and not you that was damaged.

Ailsa, strange isnlt it how something like a home visit can make someone realise just how difficult life is for you. Take care. Speak soon.

Rosemary, mentioning people who are no longer here is not a miserable thing to do. I think people might find it strange if you did nbot mention those people in your speech. You may recall that I did the same thing but put it in at the very beginning so that I could get the sad part out of the way and then made the rest of the speech about the couple themselves.  Good luck with it but I am sure it will be absolutely perfect on the day. What colour are you going to wear? Oh and I do hope you soon manage to get some relief for your knee pain.

Dottee, hugs for you and Alan. I know things are not easy right now and of coursse you are still in mourning for your lovely dad. Be kind to youreself and let us look after you as best we can.

Bren, hugs across the 'pond'. I do hope that you have a better time over the next few days.

Fiona how are you? Is dad ok? When do you go away or have you already been?

Well I have just found out that my ward is moving yet again but this time I am truly dreading it. We are moving to a ward on the oncology unit (we are not oncology) whilst our own ward is being rewired or something. I wish I could take the next few months off so that I did not have to work there. It is bad enough driving past the place but actually working in it will be torture.  Oh well, I guess I will just have to grit my teeth and hope for the best.  I am almost at the 2nd anniversary now and just want the day to pass. I do not need anniversaries to remember Ray or my mum. I think about them every single day that I live. I think about all we had and all we should have. About the things that Ray and I  should be sharing together now and my heart aches that he is not here to enjoy (and moan) about them. I think about the song 'When I'm 64' and remember Ray asking me if I would still love him when we were 64 (he asked me this in our 20's). I answered him yes at the time and the answer is still yes. Oh dear I am rambling. This is what I do when I feel sad and lonely. Surely by now I should have started to accept my plight?? I know I tell others that it is still not that long but somehow I think that I should be able to have a conversation without having to stop and take a deep breath to prevent me from breaking down. Ah well, maybe I should stop talking and then that would not happen. Now I can hear Ailsa laughing her head off because she knows I can talk for England once I get started.

Anyway, take care dear penguins and if you need ot be in the middle of the huddle then off you go, shuffle in.

Manda, Lesley, Helen, Lynne, Lynda, Judes and anyone I have missed I am sorry. I hope you are having better days.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Patricia,

I hope you managed to get some rest.  Tthank you for takng the time to reply to my ramblings.

What you suggest would problably work for me if the party was being held in an hotel, but it is in a large hall, so there will be nowhere much to escape to.  Also, it is many miles from here, in the rural west country. Getting there by myself would be too much.  A lonely three to four hour drive, or train to Bristol, then a long cross country bus journey.  Then I would need to book into a local hotel for the night.  I just can't face all that hassle yet.

I'm feeling a bit brighter this morning, have decided to wield my rail card and get the train into Birmingham rather than drive to more local shops.  I'm hoping some retail therapy will help.

Hope all penguins have as good a day as possible

Daffie xxx

hi all

Lots going on again I see.

Daffie and ailsa, in terms of family parties I have always left it open till the day, and usually gone in the end even if leaving early. But emotions can be so up and down that knowing how i'll feel about something too far in advance is impossible, so maybe saying to your family daffie that you will see will get them to back off at least for a while? Although it being a wedding anniversary would be very hard I can understand. My parents were fortunate enough to have there 40th anniversary before Mark died so we could be happy for them, but it was a little bitter as we already knew we would not even make our 1st. (sorry set myself off now). So many years together but never in a rush, always had the long term plan in mind, didn't know there wasn't going to be a long term. I went to a friends birthday BBQ party only 4 weeks after Mark passed, It just felt like I should for both of us, we had always gone every year together. I think it was probably a mistake, too soon, I spent the whole time thinking this time last year, how much fun we had and we had no idea he was ill, that horrible thing would already have been there. I remember I ended the evening trying to find a quiet place to cry whilst waiting for my lift but being found and crying on people for the next 30mins until I could finally run away. So sometimes it is too soon, you'll have a better idea for yourself, I would be much better now.

Not sure if I will ever stop doing things because WE would, or because Mark would want me to or want something done. In a way that is something sader as time passes those things that you know he wanted you to do are being done, and his wishes being completed just feels like he is drifting that bit further away. Don't know why i am so low this week, seriously no motivation, if I didn't have to go to work I think i would have stayed in my PJs all day yesterday and would like to today. Need to find some strength, i am speaking to the boss about going back to full time on thursday (no on calls yet, the wee small hours alone with a really sick patient is a bit of a stretch still).

Rosemary I think you are doing brill at helping your daughter with her wedding plans and of course mention and celebrate the lost ones, they would want you too, they are so important in the whole proceedings. I hope your knee feels a bit better soon. I know how it feels to have knee pain, I have started to train for a run but just when I think I have got my knees sorted again I have hurt them again, my knees have been my weak point since my teens when i had osgoodslaters disease (a problem with the big tendon that holds the knee cap). I thought I had grown out of it, but just didn't hurt I guess because I was too lazy to stress my knees. Think i'll try some knee supports next and see.

Gayle I really hope the scan goes well and there is nothing too serious, not sure what the op is you're having but usually the sooner the better, stops you fretting about it whilst waiting. Hope billies ear improves soon, keeping that cone on must be a nighmare.

Pam well done for sorting the car insurance. So far so good for me with my car, but it was always MY car anyway, Mark drove a motor bike which is sitting in the garage because i can't drive it and no one wants to buy a bike in the winter. I wish I didn't have to sell it as he really loved it and could not drive a car so went everywhere on it, it was such a part of him, seeing him in his bike gear and helmet walking through the door after work. But we had talked about it when he was ill and we agreed to sell it and give the money to his daughter as a for of trust fund, we just thought there would be longer to do it together. I couldn't even think about it for months, and then it was winter, but next month i will see how the market is.

I know I have not mentioned everyone but you are all in my thought, I have waffeled for too long already. Take care all, big hugs.

Becky

I have been reading all your posts, my dear penguins, and was going to reply to them all one by one.  But I am sorry but just can't do it today.

Don't know if it is because of all that has been going on with me, first the trouble with my B and SIL and then the problems with the car, but I am feeling so down at the moment.  I thought I was getting on so well and was having some better days, but I just can't seem to bounce back at the moment.  I miss Martin so much and don't really know if I am going to cope on my own.  I look at his photos smiling back at me and I find myself telling him to stop smiling as I feel so sad.  Silly isn't it, talking to photos.  But I will never be able to talk to him again, so photos it will have to be.

Tomorrow will be five months.  It will be the same amount of time I have been without him as he was ill.  From Diagnosis to leaving me was exactly 5 months.  But why does the last 5 months seem much longer.  It seems so long ago that he sat here with me.  It is about a year ago that we started to realise that something was wrong, but never did we ever think it was as bad as it was.  But the terrible blow came in April and he was gone by September. 

Sorry for being so negative, but just can't seem to bounce back at the moment.  It just seems so hard, always trying to get through each day.  Trying to make this strange new life for myself.  But it is something I have got to do, I know that.  But just for now I am going to let go and give myself some space.  I am not as strong as I thought I was.

Gayle, I hope your tests and scan go well for you.  I will be thinking of you xx

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) to you all

Pammie xx