My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Just dropping by to leave lots of extra special ((((((angel hugs))))))) to all you lovely penguins. So much sadness in the air.

Pammie, it is not a case of being strong or weak, it is what it is, the overwhelming waves of grieve which wash over us from time to time and sometimes hit harder than others. I am way further down the line than you and still have to fight back the tears (sometimes I don't manage it though).  Does that mnake me weak??? common sense tells me know but my opride tells me yes. My weakness is that I don't allow myself to give in to the pain and heartache of being without my lovely Ray.  As for talking to photos. I am guilty of that too. (I make no apologies for that, because it just makes it easier than talking to an empty space. 

Oh my word, how silly and rambling my last few posts have been. Take care dear Penguins and have the best day you can.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

oh poo!

I was doing so well. I have been back at work for 4 weeks part time now and am going back full days next week. But today one of my collegues who had left after mark was diagnosed last year, popped in at work to see people and sort out paper work stuff. As I was leaving he stopped me in the corridor and asked how my husband was..............

It's not like its new news to me but its just saying it, 'he died in July' it hits home hard and caught me off guard. He was very appologetic but he didn't know, i guess it was nice of him to think about asking. I made my goodbye brief and left as quick as i could. neadless to say there were tears in the car on the way home.

becky

Hello there fellow penguins! please can I get in the middle of the huddle - I am in need!!

I'm back now after a few days in the Lakes which were so relaxing and then over to my sisters in Anglesey which was more active but most of the time was really good as I saw a number of people I haven't seen in years but to have to talk about Will as often as I did made it even more harder to talk about him without the tears starting - heres me thinking it would be easier as the time go by but it doesn;t in fact it seems to be getting harder - so I completely understand how you're feeling Becky - if I remember rightly me and you became part of this awful club at the same time - July last year!!

I thought I would be able to cope with people talking about Will and everything to do with what happened to him but its so much more difficult than I ever thought it would be. 

Does anyone else find it hard to see other couples walking down the street holding each others hand and want to scream at them to stop rubbing it in that I cant do that any more - even watching Lisa and Zach Dingle comforting each other on Emmerdale is like ruubing salt into this huge hole I have in my chest the place where my heart is in pieces...

As you can probably tell Im not having such a good time right now - I'm not sure if thats because I am back home alone again or what...

Well I think I have been negative enough now and I m determined to be positive tomorrow - I think !!

Big hugs to all you pengiuns out there

Janet

Morning everyone.  How are you doing in the middle of the huddle Janet?  I have been catching up on the posts from the last few days and I hope that Pam & Becky are there in the middle with you.  Janet I am glad your break in the Lakes was good.  It will be easier at some point to talk about Will but just not yet.  I really don't think I could ever do anything harder than this so don't be too hard on yourself or expect more from yourself - not just yet.  Becky I am going on a works reunion on Thursday.  I went last year at the same time.  I was asked twice while I was there how Chris was.  I was going through a particularly bad time of re-living everything that lead up to losing Chris and was completely wrong footed by being asked that question.  One lady knew Chris but not that he had been ill & the other knew him much better and that he was ill but had no idea he had died.  I found myself apologising for having to tell them.  The best I can say is that faced with the same occassion a year on I feel better equiped this time.  I am looking forward to catching up with old friends & I can tell I am not quite the shell-shocked person I was last year.  Janet a few of us have commented about finding ourselves watching other couples & feeling very cheated.  I went to 2 concerts of bands from our youth last year and found seeing couples in their 50s, enjoying time together now their children, who like mine, have grown up, very hard.  I am going to persevere though (sucker for punishment maybe - but Chris would want me to do things) and I am booked for 2 more this year - Erasure & Simple Minds.  There will be tears but there will be nice memories as well.

How are you Patricia?  I think you will find that it was both of us talking for England and not just you!!  Your posts are not silly or rambling.  They make sense and come from your heart.  I still feel this is the only place I can put down what I am really thinking & feeling as I am sure that everyone else thinks I am used to my 'plight' by now.  I am sorry your ward is being moved to somewhere so difficult for you.

Gayle I hope the scan went well.  Will it be long before you get the results?  How is Billie doing?

Pam how are you?  I talk to photos of Chris all the time.  This was always a house with lots of photos displayed so I can get away with it without drawing anymore attention.  I find the photos and my little chats with Chris very comforting and I am sure you will in good time.  I tell Chris off in his photos if I come across something in the house that he has done that causes me a problem - nuts I know!!

Becky, Rosemary, how are your knees?  What a pair you two are!  I have booked myself into 2 Race for Life's again this year.  I will do one with work colleagues and another with friends.  I need to make time to set up a sponsor page next.  Rosemary I hope you get the car sorted out.  It will be difficult selling the car.  I have to replace my van this year and that will be tough because Chris bought me it while he was ill but at a time when we really believed he would get better.  You need an automatic one though so you have to do it and it would have needed replacing sooner or later.

How are you over there in Canada Bren?  You sounded like you were busy with house stuff last time you posted - hope things are going okay.  Daffie I hope you are okay this weekend as well.  It sounds like the anniversary party is in a very remote setting which would be tough for you to get to - I am sure they will understand.  Theresa the vanishing friends is very hard.  I have been surprised by one of my friends in particular.  It upset me but I have been lucky as well as a friend from the past has been in touch and encouraged me to spend some time with her & her husband.  I was able to go out with them on Friday and even had a bit of a dance which was nice.

Well not wanting to break my usual habits I have been busy with the house again this weekend.  I will get a weekend off next weekend though as one of my brothers will be 50 so I need to drive down to Wiltshire to go out for a meal with my family to celebrate.  Need I say it - I will spend a lot of the time thinking about Chris & the fact that the last good birthday he had was his 50th.  It will be nice to see my family all together though.

That is enough from me.  Take care everyone and I hope there are some good weekends being had.  Ailsa xxx

morning penguins

I hope everyones weekends are going ok.

Ailsa I hope next weekend goes well, having family around is usually a good thing.

I have photos of mark around the house and yes I talk to then too. It is different for me as neither of us liked to see ourselves in photos so we only really had one up, our visit to australia and that was in the bedroom. We only had photos of a few people, those we didn't get to see very often. Well now Mark is in that group so pictures of him are now round the house. not too intrusive for visitors, just two on the mantal peice but there are at least 4 in the bedroom. They are from all the time we were together the first only weeks after we met, the latest from our wedding only weeks before he died (that one I sleep next to). They keep me company. I don't have any video of him and supprisingly no recordings of his voice, i wish i did, but it didn't seem important, he was there and i knew what he was like and could talk to him so why did i need a recording! Now i know, but then now I know alot of things I never wanted to learn.

Janet - yes it would seem we have been on this rollercoaster about the same amount of time, and yes it is really hard to look at couples sometimes. I feel bad about that, they have every right to be happy but............. I think I cope with it better then I did but i still find being around those close conversations that couples have, that seem to them so everyday and meaningless possibly the hardest, just that closeness. The slobbery teenage hand holding kissing couples always did make me want to tell them to go somewhere else and not make me endure watching that, nothing new there. I get angry when couples hurt each other, emotionally, arguing etc (not theat me and Mark didn't have some blazers at times) it just makes me want to tell them just how much they have and not to ruin it or throw it away. If its not working, split, don't hurt each other. But of course thats all in my head not that I actually say any of it.

Gayle i hope your scan went ok and i hope the results are good. I am eagerly awaiting news that I hope will be all is well. I hope billie is healing too .

I have been low since friday, my experiance with that collegue just seems to have sent me down. Like i say silly really, its not like its something i didn't know. But a friend invited me to hers last night, her husband was on a stag do and she needed adult company after spending all day with 2 infant school aged children. I suggested we watched one of the DVDs i bought last weekend but hadn't watched. well if you haven't herd much about a movie and just go on the cover you are not sure quite what you are going to get! It was a film called a single man, with colin firth as the lead. He is a man who has lost his long term partner (happens to be gay) and is trying to function. quite close to the bone in terms of how he feels on waking in the morning, the face he shows to the world compared to what is really going on in his head. But it is a bit depressing as all through what people see he is planning to end it all, and you spend the whole movie thinking hes going to see anyminuet why he shouldn't and he won't do it and that will be the feel good/ uplifting ending, well i hope i don't spoil it for people when i say, he does not kill himself but the ending is still on a downer, probably not the movie i should have watched with my friend.

Strangely though i am feeling maybe a little stronger today, and i am determined to go to the gym. I didn't go to an exercise class i booked on friday i just couldn't face it. So i need to go or all my hard work will start to undo. But no running my knees still are not great.

I have rambled enough for now. I hope everyone has as good a day as they can. Hugs to all who need them and even if you don't, just for being there.

Becky

Hello everyone. Just thought I would drop by to see what is happening and leave lots of love and hugs for those who need them.

Yesterday I had a lovely visit from my son and daughter in law and their gorgeous baby (my granddaughter). Then I went to the theatre to see the premiere performance of the ballet 'Cleopatra'. Well all I can say is 'WOW'. It was a fabulous production. Great in every way. Beautiful dancing and costumes, great scenery and props, fabulous music and lighting.  It must have been good because even my daughter enthused about it and she has a very critical eye when it comes to theatre productions (having been on stage and backstage/lighting herself). It was very different to anything I have ever seen before but in a good way. Today is a very quiet one and I cannot decide what to do with myself. Do I go out visiting and have to make polite conversation? Do I stay home and wallow? Do I go to the place I refer to as home (a shopping centre)? mmmm........ what to do????? Decisions, decisions. I am thinking perhaps I will just stay home and what......? Clean house or watch a film? mmm........ Now let me see.... Ooooo I guess the winner is .... ((((drum roll please)))))....... Aha the winner is.... Watch a film... wahay. When I came home ;ast night I was chatting online to a friend who thought I was on a 'high' and offered to be here for me when I crashed down to earth. I hope she is ready with that tarpaulin to catch me because after reading back the rubbish I just wrote I think it will be needed quite soon (I am hoping not though). 

Well dear penguins have the best day you can and remember we are all here to protect and comfort each other in times of need and to rejoice with each other in the rare times of happiness we each experience.

Love and angel hugs x x x

p.s Gayle how are things with you and Billie dog at the moment?????

Evening everyone,

I hope you are all well.  Patricia, enjoy your high while it lasts and you are most certainly not rambling.  Good luck with the exercise this week Becky and I hope your knee isn't causing too much bother (and yours Rosemary :)).  Pam, hope you are okay and been thinking of you and Dot, hope you are well too xx

My scan didn't go well (well it didn't go!).  They couldn't get the pictures because of air in my abdomen and so it was abandoned.  I was extremely disappointed as the pains I have been having have been getting worse and it really is getting me down.  I have felt unwell most of the week (whether related to that or a bug I don't know) and as we all know the depression kicks in when we are under the weather.  So I have been feeling rather sorry for myself.  I had hoped to hear from the consultant before now to see what the next plan was (either internal scan or straight to operation) but I haven't so I will need to chase up his secretary tomorrow to see what is happening.  So its been a pretty rubbish week. I had a quiz night that I was running to go to in Falkirk on Friday and I was taking 5 friends with me then we were staying in a nice hotel overnight.  Unfortunately I was still not feeling very well so ended up having to retreat to my hotel straight after the quiz and leave the rest to party but I felt so bad as I had taken them all through there.  It can't be helped but I wouldn't say my friends were particularly sympathetic so that has just added to my feeling sorry for myself this weekend.  I haven't really done anything all weekend as I pretty much lay on the sofa all day yesterday then chores today.  Never mind I just need to snap out of it or hope to feel better soon.  I'm off with work tomorrow so I am looking forward to getting away for a couple of days.  Billie is doing well and the wound seems to be healing nicely so only another week with the collar on and the buttons in and she gets them all out next Monday.  She will be so glad as she is still feeling particularly sorry for herself (must be catching lol).

Anyway, I will hit post as I need to head to bed before my big drive in the morning.

Take care and lots of love

Gayle xxx

Hi everyone

Gayle sorry you are so down right now, hope the drive and change of scenery tomorrow helps.  I am so gald to hear Particia is doing so well lately, enjoy the mood, you deserve a lift after lifting all of us so many times.

I am also really down lately, feeling very lonely.This is the second weekend I have parked my car on Friday and not moved until work on Monday.  Just got the dog out for a few walks.  I could call someone to come over although the obstacle course downstairs is incredible and I could go out but just don't have the motivation.  I did get the bed taken apart and am pleased that I managed that alone but have managed to stuff the living room and will have to move a few things around so the actual floor boards will fit in the door.  But I am just about ready so I hope my handyman does not take too long to come and put the floor down.  It is making me sort out more clutter and I have a few more boxes to go to charity.

I think I am really needing some spring sunshine.  I hadn't been walking the dog as he has a walker now but I need the exercise so will try to keep that up, it is really difficult walking on icy sidewalks though and it seems like it snows every three days here lately.  I do have two trips to look forward to and in less than two weeks I will be in Montreal acting as a tourist in my home town, hoping that will perk me up.  Must be the second year...  I was better before December  but have been sinking ever since then.

And yes, I find watching older couples together very difficult.  I want to smack them!  They are living the future we were robbed of.  Sorry to sound so negative tonight but I have really been feeling depressed.  I will get through it and climb up that silky cord with the help of my penguin friends. 

Bren

Bren, Gayle, Janet and all who are down right now I am sending you (((((((((((((huge hugs))))))))))))) to help you through the day. It is difficult to see the way forward sometimes and it is much easier to just stay where you are, comfortable (in a wierd kind of way) in your own company and not having to interact or socialise in any way with others. I know this to be true because I do it often. The more time I have alone, the less inclined I am to be with others. I can do what I want (or do nothing) depending on how I am feeling. It is very easy to feel guilty for enjoying yourself (if you do ever enjoy yourself). Is this right though?? I am thinking that the answer here is 'No'. Why should we feel guilty for enjoying life? We should be thankful that we do have life (albeit not the one we wished for). I know that Ray wanted me to be happy but I also know that he would understand my reasons for how I am right now. I am both happy and sad. Very happy that my kids are forging new lives for themselves and are all relatively settled and happy. Happy that for the most part my family is healthy. Happy that we have a lovely new generation to continue the family when we are gone. But I am extremely saddened that Ray is not here to witness, share and enjoy these things. Heartbroken that my lifelong partner is not here to share the remaining time I have left with me. I feel robbed and cheated as I am sure all of you do. So for that reason I am trying very hard to remain positive and not wallow in the misery which surrounds me each and every day. Today I put a memorial in the paper and struggled to tell the operator what I wanted to say. (It was not what I wanted to say but it is so hard to put into words sometimes). I was so shocked that I was such a gibbering wreck after all this time.

Anyway, what I wanted to say to you all was keep on swimming and when you get too tired get into the middle of the huddle for some comforting penguin hugs.

Love and angel hugs to everyone x x x Patricia x x x

Good afternoon all you lovely penguins, hope your day is going as well as it can.
Ailsa, I hope you enjoy your reunion on Thursday, I am sure the second time around you will find it a bit easier.  Hopefully your emotions will be a little stronger and you will be able to deal with things a bit better. And I am sure you will enjoy the weekend. 
I know what you were saying though about reliving everything at the beginning.  I am at that stage now, and I have Martin in my head continually.  I have started the ‘this time last year’ saga.  This time last year Martin was just starting to visit the doctor as he had indigestion problems.  We just, at that time, thought it was an ulcer or such like, never in our wildest dreams did we think it could be cancer.  That happened to other people, but then we became the ‘other people’.  I have started to clear old paperwork and even the dates on the paperwork are emotive.  That date he was well….that date he was ill… that date he was gone…….  Such a lot of things going through my head.  I find it so tiring and pray each night for just some sort of peace.
Yes, and I too watch couples going about their lives and feel so jealous, it should have been us.  I went shopping with my daughter today and we stopped at a garden centre for some lunch.  As I looked round I saw all the couples sitting, eating, laughing, just being themselves and I felt so cheated.  Sometimes, when I go places we used to go, I see Martin sitting with me, remember his mannerisms and that is the saddest thing.  Just the small things; the way he sat, the way he drank his coffee, phrases he used to say. It still seems so real and it still hurts so much.
I have always had a couple of photos in the house of Martin and myself so it does not look out of place to see them now.  I did add one more, it was one I had on the front of the leaflet for his funeral.  He did like Man U and we went for the weekend to see a match and go round the museum, he was just like a little boy, he enjoyed it so much.  I took a photo of him in the hotel gardens with his new shirt and a pint of Stella on the table.  He is so happy and it is probably just before that terrible tumour started to invade his body.  That is the one I sometimes shout at.  Asking him why he can look so happy when I feel so sad.  But then, can I begrudge him that happiness when I think what was to come….. what he was to face…..
I do have dvd’s of the holidays we went on and I am keeping them for when I am a bit stronger.  It is nice to know I will be able to see him when he was happy and well, but have not the strength to look at them yet.  But there will come a day, I have no doubt of that.
Becky, I hope you are feeling a bit brighter, it is so annoying that something someone says could not really make you so down in different circumstances, but because we are at our most vulnerable, we get upset so easily. Just one more thing that ‘goes with the territory’.  Hope you managed to get to the gym.  I am keeping my visits up and I am now starting to feel that it is doing me some good.  When I first started going I came out feeling so down, probably because it was something I was doing in my new life which did not include Martin, but now I am getting used to it I am feeling a bit brighter after my visits. 
I know what you mean about watching certain films.  When my friend came to stay for the weekend recently, we bought a couple of DVD’s to watch.  One was Calendar Girls.  Well don’t know if any of you have seen it, but it starts off with a couple whose husband has cancer.  Unfortunately he does not survive it and that was really hard for me to watch.
Patricia, I also find that I am so indecisive now I am on my own.  Do you just shut yourself away or do you go and seek company.  We don’t want to stay at home on our own, but equally do not want to make lots of conversation with people who have no idea what our lives entail now.  I suppose I am lucky that I have two good friends who have also lost their husbands and so I can talk to them and they really know how I feel.  I hope that does not sound bad, as it being lucky for me is not so lucky for them.  But I think you know what I really mean.
I think we should not feel guilty about any enjoyment we can get at the moment.  That is something I am not guilty of, as I know Martin would be in the background saying ‘you go for it girl’, I think he would be so sad to have left me on my own and would want me to get on with my life.  That is not so easy to do, as you all know, but he would be pleased if I could enjoy some of the moments in this sea of sadness.
Bren, I am sorry that you are feeling down.  We all know it is such a roller coaster ride and we do not know from one moment to the next how we are going to feel.  I am not sure what your seasons are, but hope the sun shines for you real soon xx.
We are starting to get some spring like days, which once would have given me great joy, but I am finding that it is bringing again more ‘this time last year’ thoughts.  This time last year we were sorting out what we were going to do with the garden and what we were going to plant.  As the time went on I was doing more and more on my own as Martin became more and more unwell.  But at this time last year, he was well and we were planning……
Gayle, I am so sorry that the scan did not go well and hope that you can get some relief soon.  It is hard enough to cope with normally, but in our circumstances it must be very hard.  Will be thinking of you xx.
Looking back on the last 5 months, I think I do feel somewhat stronger than I did.  I am still so very sad, but seem to be learning to live with it.  I still get the times when I think I will wake up from a bad dream, but these times seem further apart.  All in all I am swimming a bit further before the waves crash over my head.
Dot, I hope you are OK, you seemed so very down. 
Well I think that is enough for today, have been waffling for far too long. 
So to all you penguins that are having a hard time I am sending you lots and lots of (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))). I am sure there is plenty of room in the huddle.
Keep swimming
Pammie xx