My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Will drop by later but just want to say 'Happy Women's Day'. It is a day dedicated to strong and resourceful women the world over. You are all strong and resourceful and I have the utmost respect for each and every one of you who are on this dreadful journey.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Happy Women's Day to you as well Patricia xxx and to all you other wonderful women xxx

Sending hugs to Rosemary, Janet and every one who needs one now.  It is so true, I find no one wants to talk about Dan anymore, not even his family.  Everyone thinks I should be fine by now.  I do find it harder to spend every night alone and don't  think it is any easier after all this time.  It is easier to come home but it is very lonely.  I do need this break coming on Friday, I will spend the night with my friend and first drop the cat at the vets for boarding in the morning before work, then go home and get the dog and V's house is closer to Toronto so will stay there and head to Toronto in the morning on Saturday to drop off the dog and then to Montreal.  Montreal was almost closed yesterday because of a massive snow storm so we are hoping it is ok to drive, it will be impossible to park there but we can leave the car at MIL's and take public transport.  Here the snow has gone down a little, we did get more on the weekend but the roads are clear for now and we have had a bit of sunshine which does help my spirits.

I also saw my handyman and he thinks in a couple of weeks, he will be able to get to my floor.  So it is coming!  In the meantime it is not so comfortable sitting downstairs so I spend most of the time in the upstairs bedroom with the tv there.   I really need to get away.  I have been looking up Irish Pubs in Montreal, an friend and I used to really celebrate St. Patrick's Day there a very long time ago before I met Danny and it would be fun to take V and her daughter for an Irish drink. 

I am sending you all lots of hugs and thinking of you.

Bren

Hi all.  Bren have a safe journey and a lovely time come Friday.  I hope you get a chance to enjoy a St Patrick's day drink as well.  There is no snow here but it has dropped very cold again after a very small amount of nicer weather.  Roll on spring & summer.  Reading back over my post and Rosemary's & Janet's I think I need to try harder to find a way to give myself a shake.  I am running out of the more urgent jobs to do.  I know it has taken a time and I joke a lot about always keeping busy but I am quite concerned about the prospect of having less to do.  I definately feel far more down when I am not occupied.  If I am honest the only thing left on my list of things that Chris & I discussed is to see if I can get us all to an Olympic event.  After that I have run out of things we planned and discussed together and that bothers me.  It makes Chris seem very far away.  It makes me feel very alone, as though I am going to have to do things that Chris knows nothing about.  I think it will be something that a lot of you have had to do already but I have managed to dodge it quite well so far.  Although I have done lots of new things without him there has always been the safety net of things we planned together to fall back on.  Mostly it was the work on the garage.  I am very close to that safety net not being there anymore.  I'm sure it will be fine as most things are in reality but I seem to be feeling a lot more sad recently.  I probably need a bit of a challenge to occupy my time.

Sue I love the penguin picture again.  I hope everyone else is okay this evening.  Sending everyone ((((hugs)))).  Ailsa xxx

I am Janet but not the Janet who you seem to refer to.  I have written on here before but a while ago I think.  My husband Ken passed away on 13th August last year, closely followed by one of my best friends.  Both from cancer.  Helen was 45 and died on 18th November.  I think for a long while I was in a state of shock, sometimes I think I still am!  I miss them both  more and more each day.  I seem to be at a stage when I just can't stop crying.

I haven't workede for 10 years after being made redundant from a job I had for 29 years.  I loved being home with Ken and seeing my friends.  I tried to start a part time 12 hours a week job three weeks ago but I just couldn't cope with it.  I was an audio typist and I tried this again but it wasn't the same typing as I was used to and I just couldn't cope with the environment, the work, the people.  I am not going back.  I can just about manage to cope with the bit of money I have coming in so I will try to cope.  I have been reading all your posts and realise that so many of us are going through the same things, same feelings, same problems etc.  All in different ways and at different times.  The pain I know you will all understand, the pain that is a nagging gnawing feeling tearing out your heart.  I miss Ken so much I sometimes feel I can't stand the feelings any more.  7 months on and NO I am not getting over it, not getting used to him not being round I am never going to feel like that, I miss him so so much.  There seems to be no joy in anything anymore no happiness, my heart feels just like a stone in my chest.   No that's not right in actual fact my heart is full of Ken, Ken, and Ken he is all I think about.  I desperately long to see him to touch him, stroke his hair, smell his skin and talk to him and hear his voice talking back to me.  This longing hurts so badly.  I am seeing a counsellor but no-one can make these terrible feelings go away.  I hurt, hurt to badly I can't stand it.  I feel worse now than I did at Christmas and that was a horrible time.  Then Valentines day that was unbearable too.  Next Mothers Day, Easter, my birthday and fathers day.  Why every special day you ask.  Ken was so lovely. We have no children only cats and Ken always bought me little gifts, not expensive things just little things to show love.  He bought me gifts and cards on mothers days as he didn't want me to feel left out and I did the same for father's day.  I miss his love so much.  I feel I am going on and on now.  What will you all think of me.  Every day at the moment seems to be a bad day I just can't seem to pick myself up for some reason.  Love to you all, I must go or I will upset and depress everyone.  I will call myself Janken as there is another Janet on her.xxxxto all.  Janetx

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Jan2 - I have no words to offer just a comforting (((((((hug)))))).  We have our huddle and put the most hurt and most vulnerable of our friends into the middle to be comforted and warmed by the rest of the group..........So I'm moving over a bit and then you can sit in the middle for a while. 

Love and more comforting (((((hugs))))) for you

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hello everyone,

Advance warning that this is going to be a miserable post lol.  I have had such a rubbish week and need a moan and maybe typing it on here will make me feel better.  My insurance company are arguing that they are not paying out for my op.  So I am still fighting it and my consultant is going to speak to them and try and get it sorted but it is just another thing that I feel like screaming why can nothing ever go right.  Hopefully it will get sorted but if not I either come up with £4k on Monday to pay for it myself or go back NHS and wait months.  So of course I am going to have to pay for it and wipe out our savings.  Then I had a big fight with my parents tonight.  Some of you may remember I had a falling out with my dad a few months ago when I asked him to do something important for me and he said no.  Well tonight I had asked him to do something for me that I can't do and he was being really difficult about it so I exploded.  I told my mum and dad that I am on my own with 2 kids, I work full time, I am shattered and I have no-one else to ask.  My mum had made a comment beforehand about always asking my dad.  Yes because I have noone else!!!!  I rarely ask for anything and even laid a kitchen floor myself last week (moving all the appliances myself because I didn't want to ask for help).  The only thing I ask them to do is watch the kids.  And I feel bad for shouting but no-one understands how hard life is on my own and how much I miss Wully every single day.  I know its not their fault Wully died but they are my parents.  If I can't ask my dad to do a 2 minute job (drill 4 holes for me because I don't have a drill) who can I ask?  I hope I always am there for my 2.  So I stormed out.  I know they felt bad as they were both quite sheepish when I left but I feel guilty for shouting at them.  But I am frazzled and hurt and lonely.  I did just have a wee laugh there through the tears as it came back to me that while I was going off on one Ewan piped up that he had a drill (a toy plastic one) and he could do it for me.  Yet again I feel very alone.  I just want my old life back with my lovely family, nice house and a future.  I wonder if I have depression but don't want to go on tablets which is what the GP would say.  I just can't shift this very sad mood which has been around for months.  Life has just lost any sense of fun so whats the point apart from my boys.  I have been seeing someone as you know for a wee while now but know that is not what I want but can't end it as he offers some kind of security even though I know that is wrong to be leading him on like that and my ex phoned me at the weekend and that really upset me as I miss him so much.  Sorry if that is insensitive.  Obviously if I could have anything it would be Wully but thats not going to happen.  I know I am probably just really tired as I have so much to do and just not enough hours in the day and that is making me tearful. Sorry for the big rant and moan but I just feel so lost and overwhelmed at the moment.  I just want to climb into bed and sleep for a week and wake up and everything has been done for me.  I wake up each morning not wanting to get up as I am so overwhelmed by what I have to face each day.  I know that the only person that can change this life is me but I just don't know what to do to make it better.  I am usually strong and determined but have just given up now.  I just hope my spirit returns soon.  Plus of course it was Ewan's birthday this week - yet another date without his daddy.  One bit of good news I did have this week is that my sister is pregnant.  After 2 failed IVF she has conceived naturally although I saw her last night and she is bleeding slightly so that of course is a big worry.  I am just keeping everything crossed for her.

Ailsa, glad you got your car sorted and hope the Van gets sorted too soon.  I understand about what you are saying about leaving Chris behind once the jobs are complete and wish I had some words of comfort.  Rosemary, the garden sounds lovely and I hope Daniel comes and helps you out soon.  Janken, big hugs - I can feel the pain through your words and feel the same.  Janet, I understand your trepidation about your trip and I hope you manage some enjoyment during it and Bren I hope you have a good trip too and your handyman comes soon and you can get the house back to normal.  Big hugs to you too Becky.

Right I am going to sign off and try and get some sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be another day and be a bit brighter.  Sorry for offloading but I feel slightly better for having a big rant already.

Take care penguins and much love

Gayle xxx

Oh, Gayle

~I so feel for you - sending you big, big hugs

xx

hi all

it has been a few days since I last wrote on the site, i feel like I have been very busy. I reality not so much! I am back at work full days now since last week and although I am coping better with it then I thought I would that in itself feels odd and wrong. Stupid isn't it, I would feel bad if I fell to peices when I went back to work, but actually finding that I cope quite well makes me feel guilty and bad too!! Like I said stupid. I have also been trying new classes at the gym because I have been unable to go jogging in preparation for my 20km run because my knees have been so painful. All i am going to say is, have any of you tried zumba? good fun, and I do not say that very easily these days, but it made me smile for a little while, whilst doing it at least.

I was away at my parents at the weekend I visited my friend and my god daughter, she is growing so fast she is starting to look like a toddler already. And I had a nice night with my step daughter, she turned 18 last sunday but I had only just managed to meet up with her and give her my present. I was releived to find she really liked it. And I got to visit Marks tree in the cemetery and take him some new flowers. I hate not being able to go more often. I want to tidy and give him new flowers more often especially now that I am already the only one who visits. (so quickly).

But after a busy week and weekend maybe I should have seen monday evening coming. Not helped by patients not listening to anything I was trying to do in their interests and the general frustration, I had a really down night. I was supposed to go to a class at the gym I had booked but insted put on my PJs and curled up on the sofa, didn't answer the phone and just felt like there was no point in it all. I am feeling more positive today.

Ailsa I know how you feel about running out of things you had planned together, every time I have done something because i know that is what we talked about or what he would have wanted, Mark seems that bit further away. What he wanted being done, he cannot  let me know what else he wants. I don't ever want him to become my past, he will always be with me.

Janet you have been through two big losses so close together you are doing great just hanging in there. I don't know about others but when I felt things were getting worse and the couldn't get any worse I started to turn the corner and feel stronger. We learn to live with them in a new way. They will always be part of us even though they cannot physically be here anymore. And I think it will always hurt. such a big wound can not heal without leaving a big ugly scar and the scar hurts.

To the other penguins I hope you are doing ok.

Gayle have you gone in for your op yet? I have forgotten what the date was.

Helen you haven't posted in a while, i  hope that means you are doing well and in a good place? feel free to share I am sure we could all do with good news as well as bad.

Pam I hope your holidays are going well, tell us about them when you return.

Lynne I hope you are doing well and there are no more accidents in your ambulance as I saw on facebook.

to dot and bren and rosemary and dorothy and all those who I have not mentioned, my memory for names is really poor, big hugs to all of you and I hope you all keep swimming, we can do it.

Becky

All I can say is thank you, thank you all of you who have replied, it means so much that there are so many others feeling like me.  I know that sounds awful and I truly wish none of us felt this way but at least I know I am not alone in my feelings, that I am shall I say sort of normal.  Everyones situation is different except for the one big thing  we have lost the one person in the whole world who meant the most to us, the person who was a part of ourselves, we each deal in different ways but we all hurt.  That hurt at the moment just seems to have overwhelmed me and I can see nothing else I am afraid.  I am going out for the day tomorrow with a good friend of Ken's and mine, Dave he is a lovely man, never been married.  He is taking me to Malvern for an Indian meal.  I feel guilty when I am with him because he is very kind and caring and appreciates how I feel about losing Ken and has had to listen to many rants and see so many of my tears over Ken.  I just keep wishing he was Ken all I want is my Ken back to have our life back our love and closeness back.  I won't go on again, I just feel so so sad still.  I came on to say thank you to all who wrote and send love to you and to all others who are in this position like I am.  I am going to have a bit of  breakfast now and watch a bit of TV before I go to a friends, another arrangement I have made and wish I hadn't.  (((((((((((((((((((((((((for everyone))))))))))))))))))))))) lots of love and thoughts, Jankenxx