I would like to wake from this nightmare now please

MrsVT, 

 You did well and congrats on your pictures and doing something out of your comfort zone. 

 This guilt we feel is horrible, because we know are partners would not want us to feel like this. I ordered a cd at the weekend, but I feel guilty, knowing Sue will not hear it as we liked the same music. I think it is because we are doing things without them. I know how much Valen means to you and Sue means to me and the thought of forgetting them scares us, but we will never forget them. Does that make sense  ?

This new life is a nightmare and it never ends.

Yes, it does make sense. 
I don’t want to be doing all these things without him to share, discuss, laugh with and at. 

None of us do. But we do have to do “stuff” and it’s just so painful. Knowing we have to. 
Without them. 
And I do have good days where I’m out for a lovely walk, or with my family or friends, volunteering, crafting. 
It’s just those good days always being tempered by the sorrow of not having them here to share with is exhausting. Constant.

And yes, the thought of forgetting, memories fading because they are not here to remember with you. 
I spoke to my counsellor about being scared of forgetting, loosing him slowly again over time. 
I said to her that every night when I eventually go to bed I think “that’s another day further away from his voice, touch, presence”. 

Xx

Last night, courtesy of a lurking spider, I dropped a brick on my foot. 
It’s ok, nothing broken and I can hobble on it. 

But is yet another hammer blow reminder that my beautiful Valen has been taken from us. 
He would be replenishing my ice pack and my gin. 
He would have got a foot stool and cushions. 
He would make soothing noises and would right now be rubbing my hand to make it better. 

My foot is sore but nowhere near as sore as my heart. 
I felt the same the first time I had a blinding headache and then a tummy ache. 
Tears of pain for different pains just keep coming.

Omg, I've just had to deal with a huge spider that caught me unawares. Afterwards the first thing I wanted to do was tell my love but of course I can't. I would always make him get them too cause I hate them. I had a little cry. So many things I want to tell him but can't. Thought were no tears today as I've had a numb Feeling day, I was wrong. 

Everything is all so pent up.

Feeling you MrsVT, the tears of pain for different pain and the hits just keep coming, daily. I'm so tired. I keep getting a stiff neck which is so painful, who knows how I'm sleeping to keep getting it but its a pain in the neck literally! I also have tummy ache, like your Valen my love would have looked after me and said and done all the right things, so I feel extra mardy when i have physical pain. My body hasn't been in so much pain since he's been gone. I was so strong and fit. Now I feel like I've aged a million years.

Mardy, is that a UK wide word? Or just the midlands??? It's just occurred to me it may not be, I don't think it is

Now I'm just waffling, a lot to say with no one to tell I guess... 

Hope your foot is ok. When I wrote Valen, predictive text wanted to write Valentine's ️

Valen was born Valentines Day  and predictive text keeps changing his name to alien ‍♀️

It’s funny, odd, weird how things, little niggling things have been going wrong since he went. 
The gas smart monitor keeps loosing connection. Never used to. 
The clock in the bedroom keeps either stopping or going fast despite me changing the batteries twice and resetting it. 
The water fountain won’t light up properly. 
My electric toothbrush suddenly needs charging every couple of days. It’s less than a year.
My watch overheats when I charge it so I have to keep an eye on it. 
One of the shutters in the conservatory won’t close properly. 
None of the flowers I plant in the troughs at the front door will grow.

And yes, mardy about sums up how my body is reacting. 
A near permanent headache. Back ache from falling asleep on the sofa. Sore, swollen eyes from the crying. Hair falling out. 

But, I had a quiet gesture of support the other day at my volunteer job. They are a lovely group of older people who mostly joined when they lost their soulmates, so do actually know what I am going through, in their own individual ways.
One of the other volunteers came up behind me and gave my shoulder a little squeeze and said “You’re doing ok girl. We’re glad you found us”. 
It meant so much, just those few words. 
Of course, I immediately started to cry

MrsVT, 

 That was nice of the other volunteer, one act of kindness, can mean so much. 

I hope you're foot is OK and you managed to get a gin.

It is part of are lives now, when things go wrong, we have nobody to talk to. Two heads are better then one. 

Like you and pbd7 I cry everyday, and just feel so mentally tired. Something to make you laugh, I was walking to the bathroom the other day and my pj bottoms just fell down. Sue would have cracked up. It's due to weight loss.

I know what you mean. Everything offered to make a good day , only ends up with me wanting to call him and say you'll never guess .. I have my daughter's graduation Monday and it seems the world goes on but I can't move with it unless I can tell him all about it and share those moments. 

Yes I remember you saying that.

• Tell me about it! I thought it was just me. Things have gone wrong I didn't even know could go wrong since my love went, little things, silly things, big things, things that have never happened before. All to add to our despair because we don't have the energy and patience to deal with it all in the same way we once did. It's constant and feels like the universe just wants to keep dragging me down. I wonder of it's to do with energy. I always said my love was lucky, now he's not here neither is his positive energy. It's gotten to the point where I ask what's it gonna be today.

Your volunteer group sound like a good source of comfort, sometimes just a little kindness helps to make us feel acknowledged. It's good you have that.

Ah that made me smile  I bet your Sue would have laughed

I read something the other day about the world not pausing for our grief and everything and everyone carrying on like nothing has changed. So true and harsh for us. An alternative reality.

I hope your daughters graduation goes well.