My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Love the Donkey story Lynne.

How you manage to always find the appropriate picture amazes me Sue.

I hope everyone has a reasonable week whatever they are faced with. Good luck. especially to Sue x

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Thanks Sue & Lynne - nice to go to bed on a smile xxx

Oh Lynne I was nearly criying about the donkey and then smiling when it 'bit back' and then Sue I burst out laughing when I saw your picture!!  Thank you.

Well the sun has shone most of the day here and I have spent a lot of the day in the garden doing some tidying and going to B&Q to get gravel etc and ended up with a trip to the tip ...... hang on a minute ... what is my name AILSA ... slow down Judes!!!

Patricia your cake sounded wonderful, I love the idea of the stars.  Obviously that is your 'release' as  you say.  Bren - I don't think we dare introduce your to Lesley or Manda, if the three of your got together the shops wouldn't have anything left in them. teehee.

Helen - what a fantastic amount raised.  So proud of you, Nat and Liam (((((  )))))

Fiona, I am glad that wee Charlie is getting a little better, hugs to him and you of course.  Sue - I dont' know what ot say about your up and coming week.  Just know that Napoleon and the posse will be thinking of you and sending so many cyber vibes for the right outcome.  And hugs when needed for the hard times.  You sister's new man sounds lovely - I'm glad that you had such nice company this weekend.

Dave - I think that Nic is very proud of you and George and Freddie are obviously doing so well.  The waiting thing is very odd isn't it.  Just keep getting through the days for now hun.  One of Ed's favourite films was Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets".  I think that saying can have very different meanings. 

1. Those horrible days that you manage to get through but wonder why you bother and you ask yourself "Is this as good as it gets?"

2. A wonderful day spent with Freddie and George, maybe on the beach and they are laughing and playing and generally running rings round their dad and as you wander home, no doubt stopping for an ice cream on the way, and one of them looks up at you and says "you are the best dad in the world".  Then that "is as good as it gets".

I wish the second one for you. xxxx 

Ailsa - Napoleon and I are tooling up as we speak - White Van Man will learn not to take advantage, you have to wonder how some people sleep at night don't you. 

Gayle my little cupcake.  Go scream, go for a long drive, go and stand on the shore and scream at the unfairness of it all - and on this occasion you are allowed to use language that would make a Navvy blush.  No my darling, sadly Wully is not going to walk in and tell you it has all been a big mistake, but he is up there telling you that you are the most amazing mum, the most wonderful friend and everything that he fell in love with.  He is SO proud of you and all that you achieve .... he does think that you should always visit your Auntie Judes when you are in Aberdeen ..... even if you hotel suite is SO luxurious and an oasis of calm.  But mostly he thinks that he was the luckiest man in the world to have spent so many years with a very special (if slightly mad at times) lady. xxxxxxx

Oh .... before I sign off, I must tell you of my biggest achievement this weekend.  yesterday morning I decided that I would dedicate Sunday evening to the ironing .... and then realised that in fact I could do it right then.  So I ironed for two and half hours and ..... small drum roll .... there is not a single thing in my ironing basket.  And because I know that you gusy are friends and won't tell a single soul I will confess that at the bottom were two things I brought back from holiday last year .... oh the shame!.  Anyway I have a cunning plan and decided from here on in it, to keep that feeling of a shining halo, I shall not do any more washing = no ironing, and will just throw clothes away from now on.  What do you think????

So much love to all you Emperors of Penguins. - Judi xxx

Judi, I LOVE the idea of no washing and therefore no ironing. I have been known to take things on holiday which I then disguarded instead of bringing them home to wash. Go for it Judi, it is actually quite liberating and may even give you a little twinge of mischieveous guilt as though you are being really naughty. lol.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia.

p.s. well done on getting the ironing done anyway. Here is a tin of polish to keep your halo shiny.

Thanks Judes, you always know the right thing to say which makes me cry but in a good way and I so can't believe you did that ironing!!!  I will definitely need to visit to prove it for myself.  I am very impressed at your busy bee impression.

Lynne loved the donkey story - so true x

Sue - you sound like you have a very difficult week in front of you.  Just know and remember that the penguins are huddled round you tightly always xxx

Well the tears have finally stopped but I think I am just exhausted now.  Ewan started me off again earlier.  When I was putting him to bed he started that shaky lip wet eye thing which he doesn't normally do and said I miss my dad.  Now it was totally out the blue as like I have said before he surely can't remember much.  So I asked him why.  He said he wanted to tell his daddy something before he went into the hospice and never got to???? Where did this come from.  I then of course asked what did you want to say and he said he wanted to tell him he loved him.  So of course it started me off again.  Oh well tomorrows another day as they say - maybe the emotional rollercoaster will go up the way tomorrow rather than down.

Night penguins

Gayle xxx

Gayle, ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

How hard it must be for you. It has made me cry just reading about Ewan and what he said. Hopw much harder it must be for you I just cannot imagine.  You are doing an amazing job. Everyone is so proud of you. Don't push your own grief too far into the recesses of your mind because it will only come out bigger asnd stronger if you hide it away. I see you were up quite late. I do hope you managed to get some sleep. Here's hoping today is a better day for you.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Well I came on for a quick read and I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.....twice. First reading Judi`s description of `as good as it gets` with Dave and the boys. I too hope it is the 2nd one but made me cry thinking of the scene xx

Then Gayle`s story of Ewan brought tears again xx  Bless him to bits

Been emotional over little things yesterday and today, not so sure why but my friend at work read my angel cards today and they talked about my emotions and letting myself to go with things instead of fighting myself every step of the way. This is so true at the moment,they said I need to stop questioning and wondering and just go with things. How do you stop all the ifs and buts??

Anyway another Monday out of the way...and guess what??? Half term a week on Thursday LOL!!! Yes Judi another week off hee hee xx

Have a good night everyone

Helen xxx

Thanks Patricia.  I just don't know whats up with me this past week.  Just seemed to have hit a wall.  I am sure it will pass - like we all know it can change day to day.  Not been hugely better today but been busy so no time for thinking.  I didn't get much sleep either last night so fell asleep for a couple of hours earlier although still tired so maybe will sleep tonight.  I've got a busy week starting tomorrow so that is good as I was working at home today which I don't like.  Off on my travels again tomorrow.  Lynne cheered me up earlier with her breaking down in the ambulance (that bit wasn't funny lol) but she had her emergency cheddars to keep them going.  At least if your with Lynne in a situation we will all be safe with rations to keep us going!   Everytime I see cheddars in the shop now it makes me think of Lynne lol.

Hope everyone else is doing okay and Sue sending you special cyber hugs.

Gayle xxx

Evening ladies ...Well talk about up and down emotions , i too have been in tears at the last few posts , some of sadness and some tears of laughter , we always knew we we're all on a rocky journey but the last few days have been so hard for some xxx Gayle you really do a fantastic job with the boys , we have talked about them a few times so i know that they are a credit to you and Wully will be so proud of you all xx  Judi you always speak such words of wisdom for a crazy lady (sorry ) and we all appriciate it so much and the "no more washing idea " is your best one yet xxx Patricia , you are there again offering the comfort that some need at the moment but you'll be feeling guilty when you need it and there really is no need , we all need you xx Helen , HALF TERM AGAIN !!!!!!  the angel cards sound like they know what they are talking about and i'm sure Patricia will tell you the same xx

 Ailsa , yes Amanda and i will be in York all day and night on sat xx Sue i hope the start of your week as gone ok hun ,, sending you lots of love xx 

 Well Mrs Gayle i'm glad i've kept you amused lol , 2 and a half hours we had to wait . The first half hour was a good laugh (thank goodness for our supplies) but then we got fed up . Where we had broke down (clutch ) it was on a busy crossroads , on a hill and they sent 4 other people to help us push it off but we didn't get very far , then 2 young lads stopped in a van and helped and we suddenly started moving lol .. I have photos of the rescue truck with the ambulance on top but not sure if i dare put them on F/B  . Going to get something to eat now was very late in .

.hugs to all xxxxxxx

Thank you Sue for inviting me on to this forum from my first post to another. 
For my first post here, thought I would my first post from there....

I have lost my beautiful darling wife aged 42 back in early April.  She put up a fantastic and brave fight for 15-months, but it finally took her.  Family, friends and neighbours have all been wonderful, and work has also been a huge help to try and get back some normality.  BUT, I seemed to have entered a state of mind where it is not real.  
When I am at work, to me she is just at home pottering around.  When I am at home, she is just out somewhere.  Then, bolts of reality come out of the blue.  Still though not real that she we won't walk through the door, or I won't ever talk or see her again.  I miss her so much.  
I am also 42 and we were together for 17yrs, married for 13.  We have no children as cancer stopped that, but we have a wonderful dog, who is a godsend.  I find I have some good days/hours, and then some bad days/hours.  What I am dreading is when the bolts of reality start to get more frequent. 
Contributing to a forum/discussion is something new to me, and not something I thought I would do, but as wonderful as friends and family are, I find it very difficult to talk to them.
Alfie  

I will def try and contribute going forward, although I find things hard to talk about, never mind write about, and this to me was a first, and hard enough.