My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Helen, there is no way to stop all the if's and but's. We do it all through our lives it is just that when we are feeling vulnerable they seem all the more hard to deal with. Only time will help you to sort that out. All the if's and but's in the world will not change our situations. What we need to do is realise that and accept that we could not and cannot change anything. Easier said than done. The problem we all have is that we hate to be 'out of control' of our emotions and this makes things so much harder to deal with. Or is that just me??

Lynne, so glad you had 'provisions' with you. After all, you might have starved to death if you had been left much longer lol.

Sue, wishing you well for all you have to deal with this week.  When you have your interviews (if you haven't had them already, just remember that they are only people just like you - only you are better than them).

Love and angel hugs to everyone x x x Patricia x x x

Oh, Patricia, hun, you are lovely!    Just had the meeting with the union rep today; I have a 4-page form to fill in to show how I meet various criteria, and i have to reference it to the last 5 years. For someone who can't remember what she did 5 minutes ago that is some challenge!!!

Alfie - welcome. I'm so glad that you managed to find us - you might find it useful to read some of this thread from the beginning, to see where we've all come from.   I know that the girls and dave will welcome you as soon as they come along; I think we all find it easier to write about our problems here, where there is as much or as little anonymity as we wish. someone will usually have a word of advice or empathy, or failing that a big cyber hug - they can work wonders!

sue xx

Evening Everyone,  Alfie i would just like to say sorry that you find yourself on this site, but keep posting and we will all try and help you, we are all going through the same. We all know what it is like thinking our loved one is going to walk through the door.Sue sending you a BIG HUG  for this week it is a tough one for you. Judi you seem to have sent your cold down to Castle- Douglas i have felt rotten for the last few days with a bad cold and sore throat. Dave you are doing a great job with the boys and like Gayle you should be so proud. Your post Gayle made me cry you just don't know what   the boys  are thinking. Lynne was glad to here you had some mini cheddars to keep you going when you broke down. Helen holidays again our schools don't get this one. Well i think it's bed for me and try and shift this cold. Fiona xxxxxxxxxx

Helen, sorry to hear you are on the rollercoaster too.  Lynne, glad you are home safe now and Sue that sounds a nightmare form.

Welcome Alfie and I am so sorry for your loss.  Much as none of us would give anything not to be here the support and advise you will get on this forum is immense and I know I couldn't have got through the last 11 months without it.  It is hard to write or talk about feelings and forgive me if this seems sexist but perhaps men find it harder.  When my husband was in the hospice they would ask him to talk about his feelings but he rarely did.  Even just writing down how you are feeling I think is a help and gets the thoughts out of your head at least for a little while.  Sadly we have all trodden the same path and will be able to offer a helping hand or as Sue says at least a cyber hug when needed.  I know I have made friends for life here and never ever thought that would have happened.  Take care and we are here when you need us.

Gayle xxx

Welcome Alfie , and so sorry you lost your lovely wife . Like Sue says if you read some of our posts from a few months ago you will see how far we have come and everyone of your feelings that you have had  one of us will have experienced (and still do ) We're her to offer each other support and Like Gayle says we wouldn't be where we are now if it wasn't for each other . You've made the first and hardest step hun . Take care and we'll always be here to listen and try and help  ...

 Lynne xx

Alfie welcome to our community, also known as the penguin huddle (it's what penguins do and when any of us are feeling particularly wobbly and lost we bring them into the middle of the huddle for protection and support until they are strong enough to make it back to the outside and help look after the others - so that means you are firmly in the middle and being looked after by us all for as long as you need it!).  So sorry to hear that you have lost your lovely lady, although she will still be right there beside you and loving you all the time.  You are on the rollercoaster of emotions and even if you are a man, or maybe especially because you are, you need to give yourself space and time to let those emotions out, crying isn't just a womans thing and it isn't always useless it is a release of all the hurt inside, the frustration and the pain of not only losing our loved ones but all we had to go through with them before that moment.  Sorry, on the ramble again, thats the trouble with women once started we forget to stop sometimes lol! (Sorry girls!)

Sue big hug for you this week, talk to the angels and ask them to help you through and to help with the interviews and questions, if they can find me parking spaces they can sort your job - and if they don't then that means they have something else up their sleeves for you (and you know how huge angels sleeves are).  Hugs for your big sadiversary too, lots of love and strength coming your way.

Now I have been reading through all the pages again and trying to catch up, Patricia the cake sounds great but.... did we ever see the wedding cake pics?  Would love to see your creations.  Judi..... darn it I've got to go back and read..... will be back later xxxxxxxxxx

Welcome to the huddle Alfie. So sorry you have had to join us... but glad that you found your way here. xx

Alfie you are more than welcome here, just sorry why you`re here like the rest of us xxx Like already suggested when you ve got a few hours spare!! he he You might find it interesting to read back from start of thread and see how we all were this time last year. Not all doom and gloom!! We have laughed in between the tears as I m sure you will.

Work has been an important part of life to me and helped so much even though I havent always wanted to be there. I also have a lovely dog and they help in their own way, such good company.

Hope you keep posting, it really does help

Helen xxx

Evening girls, Dave and Alfie

Alfie - I also add my welcome to you - sorry we have to meet under such circumstances - but as others have said we all support one another in any way we can........ I usually dispense lots of ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) - so here's a special ((((hug)))) just for you......xx

I find it difficult to keep up with you all just now - my PC is wrapped up somewhere dust-free (I hope) so I keep borrowing son Number 1's for a few minutes when he's not looking!!!!  Tee hee!!!  Anyway I just wanted to let you know that even if I'm not posting here I do think of you often and hope to catch up with you all very soon.........

Love and lots of comforting ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) to you all

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi everyone and good evening to Alfie.  I wanted to welcome you to our thread as well even if it is for all the wrong reasons.  I am so sorry to read that you lost your lovely wife.  Gayle mentioned how hard it can be for men to speak about how they are feeling sometimes but I think we all understand that and will encourage you to join us with anything that is on your mind.  My husband also turned down opportunities to talk about his situation so I know we will all understand how hard it is for you.  The advice to read some of our early posts is good and may help you to see that we know a lot of what you are feeling right now.  I have made friends for life on here and I have no idea how I would have coped without each and everyone of these penguins.

I know it is a 'school' night but I want to raise a glass to each and everyone of us who posts on here and everyone who has posted on here - today is a year since I posted hoping for some support and look what happened!!!  Thank you everyone.  ((((((bug higs)))))) xx

Judi slow down!  Well done with the tip, B & Q and clearing the ironing wow!  I too have cried tonight reading your account of 'this is as good as it gets'.  I know it will be no. 2 for Dave.  Gayle your little boys are wonderful and you must be so proud of them.  Please take care of yourself as well though.  I would be the last person to try to stop you being busy but take care.

Helen enjoy the forthcoming half term.  I know we joke about you & Sue's holidays but I reckon you both need this next one specially.  I'm sure you will come through the ifs & buts but look after yourself in the meantime.

Patricia you always say such wise and good things.  I hope you are okay this evening.

Rosemary I have never thought before about angels having such big sleeves.  I have never had angels cards done.  Helen saying she has had it done today has made me wander what I am missing.  How do I find someone to do it?

Sue I am sure you will do just fine with the criteria form from the union rep.  Just as Rosemary says, if you are not one of the ones who stay it will be for a reason.  ((((((hugs)))))) for this week Sue xxx

Fiona I hope you managed to get off to bed to try to get rid of your cold.  Poor you xxx.

Lynne I had to giggle when I read about your breakdown on FB.  Mini cheddars will never be the same again.  Expect texts from me on Saturday.  You & Manda have a good time.

Dot are you still surrounded by dust.  Is there much left to do?

Well I should really be thinking about bed as well so goodnight everyone.  Take care.  Ailsa xxx