My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

FormerMember over 16 years ago

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My husband - Chris - died on the 2nd May 2009 because he had anal cancer. He knew he was going and we spoke about lots and lots of things before he died. That is why I am just not prepared for the huge amount of guilt I feel now. I feel guilty that the world hasn't stopped turning round even though he has died. I feel like everything should stop as a mark of respect. I also feel very guilty that he had to be so ill he had to die. What a cruel cruel thing it is to make someone so ill their body just stops working. I wasn't ready for him to go. I really really hope these are normal feelings because I must hang on to my sanity for the sake of my 3 children. I have never known sadness like I feel right now. I can't believe that I will not hear his voice or feel his touch again. We were married for almost 32 years and I have known Chris for 34 years - since I was 16. What happens now? Ailsa

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Hi Gayle

I am a nursery nurse in a school, get all the teacher`s benefits but not the pay!!! I enjoy it though and that is the main thing.

Paul`s ashes are still in my bedroom, we are going to try again at the church where we got married even though they said no to the undertaker. Try the personal touch!! I`m not rushing though, sounds daft but I find it comforting now they are there, was a bit unsure about having them at home at first.

Been to A & E with daughter this morning, she fainted on Wednesday and fell awkwardly, her jaw is very swollen this morning but they don`t seem to think it`s broken. Think it is a mixture of exhaustion (she has been on work experience this week( and maybe the heat. Possibly like all of us feeling the effects of losing Paul after 2 months to, who knows?? TLC I think xxx

I`m pottering round the house this weekend, so far so good!!

Kev kids aren`t daft are they, 7 weeks eh!!!!

Love to all, have a good Saturday

Helen xxx

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Hi Ailsa, Helen and Kev (and anyone else I have missed)!

We live in Falkirk at the moment but are moving back to the west coast as that is where I come from and my mum and dad live there who have supported us a lot especially since my kids are so young so I need the free babysitting for when I'm at work!

I am doing okay. Thought it would be harder to look at houses but now that I am sat alone on a Saturday night with kids in bed it is harder thinking of it. I am very tired too and the thought of sorting out the house is a bit overwhelming. I finally emptied my husbands hospital bag as it had lain since my dad had brought it home from the hospice. It still had his fathers day present wrapped up in it as he died on Fathers day. I decided to open it and my boys had picked a tacky photoframe with superdad on it which I had put a nice picture of the three of them in it plus a silly tshirt. I wrapped the shirt up again and put it in a big chest that I am filling with all special things and gave my eldest son the picture for his room which he was really chuffed about.

It still all feels surreal at the moment to be honest and I am sure I will hit the rollercoaster again tomorrow. Tonight I am too tired so will have a nice early night before I tackle more cleaning tomorrow. Every drawer I open seems to have another memory lurking in it but it has to be done.

I hope all your weekends are okay and sending hugs your way.

Gayle x

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Evenig Gayle and everyone else xxx

I thought it had sunk in the other day that Paul was actually gone but I`m back to disbelief again. Just been looking at photos and had a good cry! Put one of us all in a frame my brother bought me.

Keep looking at Paul`s wardrobe but it upsets me too much to start sorting it. No rush!

Hugs back to you ((((()))) Helen xx

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Hi Helen,

I was reading a book about grief which was quite useful and it explained about grief coming in waves and at the start they were huge with very little gaps and then the gaps would get bigger and the waves a bit smaller but then a time may come along and another huge wave may come along. I think that makes a lot of sense and it is always the silly things that remind you. Sometimes when I look at my two beatiful boys I just want to break my heart as I see their little innocent faces and just think of the injustice of it all and other times they give me great comfort.

You are right there is no rush with the wardrobe. I cleared out the bathroom cabinet and the bedside drawer (my husband hadn't been upstairs to our room since about February anyway because of his mobililty) but when I opened the wardrobe door I just shut it again. I have put his ashes in there too (just in case the boys see them and try to open then). We will both do it in our own time.

Take care.
Gayle x

FormerMember over 16 years ago

I`l have to try and look for a book to read. When my dad and then my mum died my grief was so different. Don`t think I had the same disbelief and it is so different when you have no one to share the things you only do with your hubbie/partner. Think that is the part friends don`t really understand.

Hope you`re ok this Saturday night, my 2 are out and I`m having a couple of drinks.

Helen xx

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Hi Everyone,
Well my day has not been good either, i was ironing this morning and it tripped all the switches and i tried to sort it myself but had to phone my son to come and help, by the time he came i could not stop crying and just said to him i don't want to be in this life anymore and then i felt so guilty at saying that to him. I just hate having to bother him or anyone else when things go wrong, so i have cried on and off all day. Think will have to be a diazapam tonight and see if that helps me have a decent nights sleep.Hope tomorrow better hugs to everyone.
Take Care
Fiona xxxxxxxx

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Hi everyone, I still have all Di's things in her wardrobe and there isn't a time to sort things out you will do it when you are ready if at all. Do not be afraid to ask for help with things around the house be it drilling or electric, just ask the person who you know can do it, they will gladly do it I'm sure.

Helen I am going to phone the School tomorrow re the 7 weeks but all the mums around here are saying the same!!! Helen, the grief is different when you lose your wife/husband/partner, after my mum died I felt different to when Di died and to be honest I have almost become hardened to people very close to me dieing.

Fiona, I know what you mean when you say that you don't want to be in this life anymore, I still have those thoughts but I know Di would be so angry with me if I done anything stupid. Cry if you want to, say those things to who ever you want to, but do not feel guilty about any of it ok, it's what we go through that makes us say and do all those silly things, to me anyway.

Gayle, I have just read your profile and I am so sad for you, please take care of yourself.

Ailsa, hope you had a nice restful weekend and feel a bit better today.

To everyone else hope you are all ok.

Love to you all Kev xx

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Evening everyone,

Hi Fiona, sorry you have had such a bad day. Like Kev said don't feel guilty - I know we don't like to heap more worry on our loved ones but they will understand and will want to help. I was "lucky" if you could call it that, in that I have basically done everything myself for years due to hubby being ill. I can do all the DIY, run the house, did all the bills, etc and I suppose it makes it easier. It must be a million times harder if I then had to learn to do all these things myself although it is hard having to do everything. Hope you get a good nights sleep tonight.

Hi Helen, the book I got was called overcoming grief and it seems to have a lot of things in it that makes sense without preaching. I had been buying books to read to the kids about death and saw it and thought I would try it. I know what you mean about dealing with it differently when it was your husband. My husband was my best friend and knowing he was there backing you up all the time meant you felt you could face anything. That is one of the things I am struggling with at the moment. The feeling of loneliness and also responsibility. I now have two little boys who I have to be mummy and daddy to and worry that I stuff it up and they turn out wrong. We have high hopes for them like every parent and just want them to be happy but it is hard knowing I have to make all the decisions myself. They are a handful at the best of times!

Hi Kev, know what you mean about the clothes although I am going to have to sell the house and will need to clear it. Not looking forward to it but I think I will keep his favourite things and add them to a box that I am keeping with all his bits and bobs in. I sleep with one of his jumpers that was his favourite and he had on the day before he died and that helps.

Goodnight

Gayle x

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Hello everyone. Here we are at the end of another weekend. It has been a nicer weekend than I thought in more ways than one. The weather has been good for some of the time at least. The play last night was in the open air. The first half was dry and it rained for the second half. But it was so good I really didn't mind the rain. I did a lot of jobs in the house and garden today. The whole 'jobs' thing can still get me down. I had a long chat to a friend yesterday who was saying that I should let other people do the jobs I am not sure of, like drilling etc. But I can understand why you ended up in tears when the electricity tripped out Fiona. I don't like to feel dependant on other people. I never felt 'dependent' when Chris did things and I think everyone will know what I mean by that. I don't want to have to ask for help but more than that - it rubs salt in already very raw wounds when I have to face the fact that Chris is not here to help. I hope you were able to get a good sleep last night Fiona and that you don't feel so bad today. I have days when I don't want to do this anymore either. Like Helen, it is driven be disbelief and I also think, a certain amount of shock. I hope your daughter is feeling less sore today Helen.

I have only moved a few of Chris's things. I have been able to get rid of the more medical things that I associate with him being ill. I was able to get rid of some shirts to make some space but after that I have not attempted to pack up anything else. I don't think there is any rush and I kinda believe that I will know when the time is right and I will get the urge to do something about it.

I have had a couple of good nights sleep over the weekend so I hope I feel less tired at work tomorrow. Kev - I am going to side with your son - maybe he does get 7 weeks holiday! I've got my fingers crossed for him. Take care everyone. Ailsa xx

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Hi everyone, hope you all have a good nights sleep as we all need one. I will let you know about the 7 weeks holidays!!

Gayle sorry you have to sell your house, how sad.

Ailsa glad you had a nicer weekend than you thought it would have been, and that you enjoyed the play.

Good night to everyone kev xx

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My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?