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Sunday night is the worst night for me. I often lie awake feeling anxiety flood into my body, knowing I won't sleep, trying not give into the urge to cry in case I cannot stop. My boyfriend leaves on Sunday night, late, to drive back to London as he has to work on Monday's. Maybe part of the anxiety is knowing I'm now alone with it all.
Yesterday I started to worry about dad not eating, every time I ask him if he can sip his complan he shakes his head. I don't push it.
My cousin...
In just over an hour my 16 year old daughter will start her 3 week course of radiotherapy and although we are outwardly taking it in our stride I am feeling physically sick! Its the same sickening feeling when she started chemotherapy and the fear of the unknown. the fear of how she would cope or more importantly How I would care for her! I remain positive and upbeat to the world, well to my family they cant see me break down they must not see the twisting knot of fear in my stomach. I am Mum and...
I hadn't intended to update my blog until after our next clinic appointment on Thursday, but something rather strange has happened. I finished the short course of radiotherapy on my shoulder and neck over two weeks ago, but just yesterday I noticed that my left arm has swollen to double the size of the other one, right down to the hand. In fact my face, neck and shoulder are all swollen too. It's a most peculiar feeling, as if I was congested in some way. Not exactly painful but uncomfortable...
I've got to the point where the choices have been narrowed down to two:
a.) egg freezing + a full hysterectomy
b.) full hysterectomy
I am about 90% sure I will go for the latter.
I'm still heart-broken but the depression I was feeling has alleviated *ironically* since the arrival of my period; it's probably the combination of the dust settling and the lessening of hormones that has left me feeling like I can cope with this silent devastation... I call it silent because until now I've never...
Every Friday night I travel from London by car with my boyfriend to my dad's place in Devon, down narrow country roads, to care for him until Monday night.
My oldest brother arrives Monday night to take over dads care. He also travels from London. He takes me to the station so I can go home, back to work and try to recuperate for the few days I have off.
Simon my younger brother travels down on Wednesday night and takes over from Matthew, Matthew gets the train back to London to enjoy some time...
my initial reaction was not to post this, but i decided to submit a post just to bring a close to my blogs just in case anyone wonders.
in the last two half years here is a list of my treatment and condition
july 2012 18x10 cm abdominal tumour , smaller growths in chest and lung, damaged left kidney
july 2012 - Nov 2012 4 weeks cbop, 9 weeks bep
feb 2013 - left kidney removal ,rplnd surgey
april 2013 - july 2013 tip salvage chemo
august 2013 chest lymph node removal - surgery
oct 2013 - nov...
I went to UCHL yesterday to see Professor Kelly. I always get a bad feeling when I have an appointment to see consultant's. they have never told me anything positive. It now seem's my bladder has attached Itself to my rectum. making It even more difficult to remove. one option Is to remove my bowel along with my bladder another Is to leave my bladder along with the tumour but I can't see how this can be done because they have told me the tumour Is untreatable. but they now say they could use chemotherapy...
Ended up back in hospital on the 6th with infection in wound where they took the lymph nodes. was still on antibiotics but had to have 4 x the dose intravenously. It took the Dr 4 attempts the get the venflon in my foot because my arms are out of bounds. I have never experienced pain like it I nearly crushed the bones in Robs hand and nearly bit a hole in the socks that I rolled up and put in my mouth! I guarded that venflon during that stay and luckily it stayed in because I could not have faced...
well, the sun is shining, clean white towels are blowing on the line, and I don't feel nearly as bad as I thought I was going to, praise God!
i am blessed. Mind you, I'm still paranoid about every little ache and twinge, but I've managed to keep off a lot of the meds, and just take the minimum. Common sense, so far, is prevailing! Mostly! I am a bit obsessive with the thermometer!
actually feel well enough to try driving to my RT appt later. It will certainly be quicker than transport...
