I've got to the point where the choices have been narrowed down to two:
a.) egg freezing + a full hysterectomy
b.) full hysterectomy
I am about 90% sure I will go for the latter.
I'm still heart-broken but the depression I was feeling has alleviated *ironically* since the arrival of my period; it's probably the combination of the dust settling and the lessening of hormones that has left me feeling like I can cope with this silent devastation... I call it silent because until now I've never seen this type of grief acknowledged (grieving for babies/people that will never even be alive) I've never seen it in any social context, not in conversations with family or friends, all the way through to the seeing it in the media, nothing. This just doesn't exist.
Like any grief it has its phases. The anger has mainly been focused at myself for being so careful and 'waiting'... I was young when Dad died and was his primary carer whilst he had lung cancer; he ended up dying of a heart attack but I had resuscitated him a few times over the years, just that last time I couldn't. I was screwed up emotionally from that in my early twenties and felt the most responsible thing would be to wait. I finally came out of that and just wanted to live a bit before settling down as for so long life was a heavy 'old before my time' struggle really. And that is just how crazy grief can be, I've actually directed my anger at myself for doing something responsible like taking time out to grieve for the only Dad I'll ever have. On top of that angry with myself for wanting to be a good parent.
The sadness is? The only way I can quantify it is this: equal to the love I've grown to feel for my 'future children' and I cannot explain it better than that. Until the doctor told me about the options, and what they recommend (full hysterectomy) I didn't acknowledge this love everyday ('still had time', 'could still happen, Mama was 36 when she had me' beliefs) and for the 2/3 three years I've slowly just deteriorated as far as health was concerned - again I was waiting to be on a better footing, so that I could be a better parent. And I guess that is the point? Why I am choosing to have the hysterectomy...
From the little I do know so far, because I had a granulosa tumour (which was massive and it burst) there is a chance that cancer cells have been left inside of me after the operation; egg freezing will mean hormone injections which will 'feed the cancer' if indeed it is there. Apparently, it could also induce the more common type of ovarian cancer for people of my age. I've spoken with a couple of people in my life who have actually gone through IVF and both have said their ovaries were cyst free before the treatment, but they got loads of cysts from the daily hormone treatments - luckily theirs have not been cancerous... Would I be that lucky after what I've already gone through?
I found one life story relating specifically to ovarian cancer and egg freezing and the results were not good. Diem Brown was much younger than me (23) at diagnosis and she died quite recently at the age of 32. She opted for egg freezing and was adamant at the time that 'she beat cancer once she can do it again!' Her decision was her own to make but looking at my life, I just do not see how I can take that risk. My Mum is grieving for her grandchildren and it is breaking her heart too, my Uncle's as well, but it would be so much worse if I die as well - and that is just for the people alive in the here and now. In her 70's how is my Mum ever going to have enough time to even like life again if i die from this? I am heartbroken from losing children that don't even exist, how on earth would my Mum deal with that loss after getting to know me & loving me for 35 years? I just cannot do that to her because of 'my children'... The risk just seems like suicide after having cancer.
It would be an impossible choice if my children were already here, I love my Mum and I love my children - if you're not a twin etc then you just can't get a biologically closer unconditional love than those within the human experience. But they aren't here. And it feels horrible. I feel horrible making this choice but I don't see what else I can do in this situation. I feel like I'm betraying my children by not trying to have them. But those are feelings and not reality. It feels as though I'm saying 'you don't deserve life but I do' but it isn't like that in reality because they aren't actually here and I am. If they were already here I would be willing for this hysterectomy to happen so that I could stay alive with them for as long as possible because I don;t want to leave my Mum but I certainly wouldn't want to leave them dealing with their Mum dying of cancer, at what, even if I had of tried when I was 20 they would be 15 now. I wouldn't want them to know what that grief feels like to lose a parent so young.
OK I didn't cry for the entire post but now I am and that's why I'm going to stop writing.
