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Originally published 7/5/13
Cancer. Bloody cancer. It's something I hope that anyone reading my diary doesn't have personal experience of. I mean, its a bit of a shit, isn't it? Its not a disease like MS or TB, not one with - strictly speaking anyway - an external cause. Cancer is your own body going mad, a simple error of DNA replication which causes uncontrolled cell growth and division.
This means, for most of us, cancer is personal in way that other illness isn't. We're each suffering...
Originally Published 6/5/13
What a nice day its been, blue skies and sunshine all day. Like most people faced with this kind of weather, our household decided to do some gardening.
I managed to do a bit, nothing heavy, de-weeding the lawn, bit of raking leaves, nothing much. Honestly, I sit here now typing this with my neck and shoulders aching like Christ knows what. If feel like I've done a major upper body session at the gym of something. Its not an unpleasant feeling, I do in fact feel a bit...
Originally published 5/5/13
It's hard to believe I'm on day 56, it seems like only yesterday that I first found out about it - never mind the three weeks since the operation.
Once again I found myself needing a nap this afternoon, its not like I did that much, but there I was after lunch - flaked out on the sofa. I really would have thought that I'd be past this by now, but I really don't know why I get so tired. My only guess is diet - still - I think in am getting about two thousand calories...
Originally Published 4/5/13
Well, I made it out to the cinema with friends, which was great. It was really nice to switch my brain off for a couple of hours and forget everything. It's surprising just how much time you spend thinking about cancer and chemo and radiotherapy - you try not to, but its there all the time eating away at you (possibly literally) and making you think about it.
The thing that got me today was, why the hell has my laugh changed? I don't laugh as I used to, its totally...
Originally published 3/5/13
Not sure what to make of today, its been a odd sort of day. Tiredness has gotten at me again, not sure why, I was ok this morning – but this afternoon I have felt shattered. I’ve not done a massive amount, but nonetheless I have felt really tired.
This is one of those times that I hate having this damned cancer, I’m not in control. I do wonder if I am missing something from my diet – given the limited scope on the kinds of foods I can eat it wouldn’t...
Originally published 2/5/13
I was going to say "its funny, you know" but on second thoughts its not funny. I find I have good days and bad days, days when i feel positive and days when I don't.
Today has been more of the latter for some reason. I have felt tired, worn down, my shoulders and neck ache and I spent most of the morning half asleep in bed. This is not like me normally, but today something just told me to take it slow and easy. I didn't even go out for a walk, I did do the...
Originally published 1/5/13
Sometimes it is hard to find things to write, hard to actually process my feelings and get them onto paper. Well, not paper, pixels perhaps – but you know what I mean. Today I am somewhat conflicted, I still don’t thing that I have actually accepted and understood what it means to have this cancer thing going on. It’s almost like it is happening to someone else, the shock of the scale of the radio and chemotherapy they want to do next was so great that I think...
Originally published 30/4/13
I've had a relatively quiet day today, I'm still digesting the information about the next stage of treatment - the length and severity of it. I find I feel rather like I would rather not have it done, that I have already done my part, that too much is being asked. Of course I am going to do it, regardless, I simply cannot escape it or avoid it. Never in my life have I failed to face down something hard or unpleasant that needs to be done and I simply will not start now...
Originally published 29/4/13
Today has been a day of good and bad. Histology was in for my checkup with my consultant.
Good
I am, on paper at least, cancer free. The surgery worked, none of the tumour was left behind in my tongue and they had some margin of healthy tissue all round. Of eighty lymph nodes removed from my neck, only four showed signs of cancer.
It has been caught in time.
Bad
The margins on part of the dissection of my tongue were too small, half a millimetre, to be entirely safe. Its...
Originally published 28/4/13
Today has been a nice quiet day, the sort of Sunday that seems to last for ever. Trouble is, it's not quiet for everyone. My poor missus has been busy, more so because I can't do as much as before.
It makes me feel damned useless, simply because my instincts are telling me that it should be me looking after her. Its not though, the damned cancer has made sure of that. I hate it for that, something else its taken from me. That's the worst part for me I think, the...
