I’m heartbroken

Sending love and strength to everyone.  Its now only just over a week since I lost my gorgeous husband.  In some ways it seems like forever as the time is dragging without him and I realise that its still really early days but I just can't see how to bear being without him.  Tonight was reading through old soppy text messages from him which is I know torturing myself but the whole nightmare sometimes seems so unreal.  GP has given me some sleeping tablets but i've not yet given in and taken them.  i can't seem to sleep in more than 2 hour bursts then i wake up and remember all over again that he is gone.  feeling so miserable in the house alone without him but yet dont want people here much either as not feeling up to making conversation and its not about feeling actually lonely it is about missing him.  and nothing can bring him back.  Why have our lovely husbands been taken from us in this horrendous way and how do we get through it?  One day will we be able to think about them with all the love and precious memories but not all the pain of the horrendous loss?  

Hi, I can feel your pain, it’s horrendous , I am only sleeping 1/2 hours at night as well. Can’t bare to sleep in my bed and have been on the couch every night. I just remember the paramedics putting him in the bed after they had to stop trying to bring him back. It’s such a horrible windy night and I will probably be wakened again tonight. The nights are long but the days are longer. I havnt had  any visitors apart from my daughter and one friend that has been in my house. I need to get out this house so I’m being brave tomorrow and going to see my friend for lunch. I don’t think I’m fit to drive so it will be two train journeys and she will meet me at the train station. Thank goodness for this forum, I can cry, rant and ask questions that I don’t want my family to see me like this. They think I’m doing ok but I don’t want them worrying about me. I can’t eat, sleep and I’m just a mess really. I just don’t know how I will cope without him, I know he would be annoyed at me as I have been through a lot in my life but this is the worst feeling ever. Sending you hugs

I avoid my bedroom too as although the hospital bed etc was finally collected on friday last week i just can't feel at ease in there without him there, it seems to rub it in that he's gone as well as too many recent visions of him being so unwell in there.  i too mostly grab little sleeps on the couch and sometimes in the spare bedroom.  My bravery tomorrow is going to be finally going to the Registrars to get the grim certificates, have had to wait a week for an appointment.  dreading it.  i am avoiding speaking to most people as i just can't face talking about my misery or pretending that things are ok.  some people say they think its odd my spending so much time alone but my GP did say i need to do what i feel is right for me and that everyone deals with these hideous situations differently, some people like to surround themselves with people and others need to work through things mostly alone for a while.  in time i think i will try the bereavement support offered by the Hospice or the local Maggies centre.  i'll give anything a try if there's a chance it can help ease some of this loss and misery.  i hope you have a good lunch with your friend tomorrow.  we just need to keep on going and doing our best in a horrible time in our lives.  Sending you lots of strength xx

When I went to the registrars office I managed to get through it till the very end. 
Whilst waiting for the certificates to print she said “Newmarket. Were you there on holiday? For the races?” 
No. He was due to start his supposedly life extending chemotherapy 5 hours after he went.

Do you find yourselves telling white lies?
Yes, I ate last night. Baked potato with beans. 
Yes , I managed to sleep. 
Yes, I went out for a walk today. 
Yes, I’m feeling a little better.

The couch is my friend. 
When I go to bed it means I’ve survived another day without him. 
But got to be in bed without him. 
When I wake up it’s to the crushing reality that he is not there. 
And another day starts without him. 
I want to stay awake to not go to bed.  
But the longer I stay awake the longer the time without him.

We are in a horrendous catch 22

Omg, I can relate to everything you wrote there, yes is my fave new word,   I lie to my daughter, she asks if I’ve eaten, then asks what I’ve eaten, I also survived the registrars and I don’t know why, the minute I got in the car I broke down, I hesitate answering the phone, if anyone is nice to me  that’s me away again. All those calls I had to make to banks etc is a living nightmare, they all start the same reading from a screen saying how sorry they are for my loss in a Monotone voice which they don’t really mean it, I clench my teeth at having to do this and listen to them. Because the bank stopped all the standing orders I’m now having to read his emails saying you have missed a payment and having to sort all that out now. Why can’t the banks tell the companies why they have stopped.  I just hope I can manage to go on two trains to meet my friend who understands what I’m going through as she lost her husband last year. It’s now 4.21 and still waking up every hour, another 3 hours till I get up from the couch. Take care everyone 

Hi, I used to love my bed but just can’t get into it now or change the bedding , it’s the last memory I have of him lying peacefully in it waiting for the undertakers to come. I did think about the Maggie Centre, there was one beside the hospital he had his treatment but not sure I can face going past the hospital. I live in Hope that this feeling will go, do you just wake up and feel better, I  just don’t know, if so I wish it would hurry up. Maybe today will be a turning point actually speaking to my friend. Take care x

Charlie, 

I really hope seeing your friend helps, even a smidgen.
I know you have a long trip which may be quite difficult on your own. 
If you have a wobble, remember why you are making the trip. 
To see someone who will totally get what you are going through.

My neighbour lost her husband to cancer 3 months ago and I do speak to her a little. 
Her husband spent his last 3 weeks in hospital and she found that going in daily mentally and physically exhausting. He was in pain, on morphine, drips and tubes. 
At least my beautiful Valen went pain free and within 4 weeks. 
The only reason I don’t talk to her more is that Valen is forever 56, her husband is forever 81.I know we are both in the same pit of misery, but her husband had already had most of his life. 
Does that make me selfish?

Anyway. Charlie, I hope you have an easy trip to your friend and find solace with her.

Thank you so much. I totally get what you are saying about your neighbour. We both celebrated our 70th Birthday a few months ago, but I think we were young at heart, he knew there was a good chance of his cancer coming back so his motto was “live for today” I keep reminding myself of this, my mum died when she was 70 and it was October as well, it always worried me in case I did too. We have no control over our fate so I’m keeping that in my head when I’m on the train. I’m up and ready to face the outside again. I hope you have a good day Mrs VT. Take care x

I can’t believe it was only 1 week ago that I had to watch my beautiful husband’s physical body leave us. 
I get his ashes tomorrow.

It’s been such a hard day. 
So many tears. 
Utterly exhausted.

Told today that I will have to go to probate after being told I won’t need to. 
Luckily my sister is going to help me.

Charlie, I hope you and your friend had a good meet up xx