One of those Days.

We are very close timeline wise. 
My beautiful Valen was taken from me 26th September last year. 
He had surgery Dec 2023, Radiotherapy Jan to March 2024, All clear May 2024.

I have been struggling badly, more so than usual this month. 
Last week a year ago his lymph nurse said she had a concern over 2 lymph’s not draining - he was seeing her once a week and she had upped it to every other day. We ourselves and been quietly worried for the previous 2 weeks. 
This time last year we saw his consultant who said he was not happy and Valen needed a scan and biopsy. 
Next week a year ago he had the scan. 
The week after a year ago we were to,d he had 3 to 6 months. 

I have been constantly replaying all this, the conversations, over and over and over. 
Crying. Howling. Not sleeping. 

When I told my brother, my sister, my friends they all had sympathy and love for me and said it’s because I know what’s coming next month. 
Another friend said “It’s because this time last year you were in denial, shock, trauma Trying to be strong for Valen, for both your families and friends, you weren’t processing it, you were trying to manage. This year you are living it again, but afresh, as if it’s all new, in a new light. Your brain has had time to catch up a bit and is now running it through, trying to making sense of it”.

That makes sense to me. And I must go with it. My brain, my mind is retrying to heal, and I must, for sanity sake,let it. 
So I know I must get more boxes of tissues.

Thank you for your kindness. it matters. I could be out every night talking to friends and people we know, I just don’t want to, as I can’t always control my emotions. I am quite a private person, and I don’t want them to have that part of me. It is the only bit I have left. We know how much we gave our men, and we also know how much it cost us. The lead up to his death was horrendous, (As was yours). I haven’t discussed it at all with any of our friend’s, as they wouldn’t be able to cope. Yet, we have to. It is trauma, and I just have to keep helping my self. I feels like I am in therapy, with myself.  Kate. Xxx

Or we gave our women. It's crazy we can tell strangers stuff, but you can't tell family or friends, because you want to protect them.

Yes, you are right. Sorry, I was just thinking about my own situation. It is the same for all of us. I am off to do a Spaghetti Bolognese. Kate. Xxx

I was only joking. It's been a hard few days. For some reason it made me think of a scene in the life of Brian. Enjoy your spaghetti  

Is that Stan / Loretta’s right to have babies scene?

Yes, it made me smile.

I talk about Jay all the time. I feel now I can just talk about him and not think about it whereas at the beginning I couldn't even mention his name. It's just a way of keeping his memory alive to just keep talking about him what we did what he did etc etc.