I’m heartbroken

Gosh you have just reminded me of all the programmes we have still to watch, it’s so so sad. I know I shouldn’t have done this but I watched a Xmas Film at the weekend, they are always about someone who lost someone and always make me cry even before this nightmare that I’m in. How are we even going to cope with Christmas, I can’t even think that far but its not far away. I went through yet another box of hankies that day. My husband brought a big chunk of feta cheese back from our holiday in Turkey, we tasted them all in the market and picked this one. I noticed it still in the fridge, I can’t bare to eat it, we had a wonderful month which I’m so grateful for, we have an apartment there and I can honestly say at this present time, I don’t want to go there ever again but I know I will have to sort things out over there. I’m so glad we did sort out a will and power of attorney as the Turkish Law is so different from ours. So many happy memories there. Xx

lol, that’s almost the same as me eating a box of Jaffa cakes and telling my daughter I  did eat tonight. I used to love cooking but I think when I am brave enough to go to the shops, I might buy some ready meals and force myself to eat. I just can’t be bothered making food when I’m not hungry. My friend told me today she still doesn’t make proper dinners, if she goes out for a coffee she will get something more substantial than a cake to save her cooking. Nothing wrong with a pack of orange clubs, I’m quite partial to an orange club myself. Xx

I am so frustrated with myself, as there is so much to be done. I am normally the sort of person who can focus and achieve. My concentration levels are minimal, I don’t want to see friends and I look like an extra in the Walking Dead. I can barely make myself shower, and haven’t had a hair cut for month’s. For two weeks I lived on Heinz soup (oxtail & vegetable.} I have never felt this type of pain before, and I will never allow myself to love anyone like that again. Angry rant finished, sorry. 

I wish I had tins of soup in the cupboard, I might open a tin, better than the biscuits I’m eating. I really need the colour done in my hair before the funeral but can’t bear the thought of going to my local hairdresser round the corner, it’s a small town and I’d hate to break down as they will all know as my daughter made up a lovely notice on the towns Facebook and his name is in the window at the funeral parlour. I don’t know what to do, funeral is a week tomorrow. I said the same, I will never meet anyone again as I never want to experience this pain again. My friend from Essex might be coming up for the funeral and as she is on her own I said she must stay with me. If she does I will have to do an online shop and perhaps get new milk and a few things in. Maybe she will be good for me and kickstart me on the road to recovery if that is at all possible. I still don’t know for sure if she is coming so will wait and see.i would probably walk endlessly if I actually drove to a supermarket. Defo going to order online maybe next week as I’m running out of biscuits. No Jaffa cakes left as I ate the whole box. Dont apologise, rant away, I’ve been up since four, I think I may have gone an extra hour before waking up this morning. Take care xx

Yes, I’ve eaten. 
I’ve just scoffed a whole bag of wine gums

Hi, how are you doing? my daughter insisted I come and stay with her for a few days, but here I am wakened at 3am. I think she thinks I’m not eating ha ha, I had a small plate of pasta to please her. I went to hers on the bus or actually two buses, I sat on a bench while I was waiting for my grandson to come out of school and looked up at the wall beside me, it was a defibrillator, I cried, if I maybe had one of these I might have got his heart started. Every where I go I’m reminded of him. I can’t face going to my local hairdresser as I can’t cope with people asking me what happened, going to get a dye and colour it myself.. Only six days now till the funeral. I got a picture frame for the funeral only to find it doesn’t have a stand on it, I’m going to have to now get a picture stand to sit the photo on, honestly why is it so hard. Thank goodness for Amazon. It’s still not getting any easier is it. The pain is still there and very raw, headaches still there. When does it get better.?

The pain doesn't get better in these early days and it's horrible! 

I'm nearly 3 months with out my Mr Wonderful as I always called him. 

It's a bit easier today but other days are awful.

I still find going to bed hard. Not always coz he's not there, but I still say goodnight, love you, to him but don't get it back, or the text saying it, when he was in hospital. 

1 hour at a time and then 1 day at a time.

Love and hugs xx

i'm 12 days in now and having a really low day.  forced myself to walk round asda this morning just to make myself do something outside the house in case pushing myself helped, but hated being out in the world with everything else carrying on as normal and came home feeling worse than before.  just missing him so much and still cannot believe he's not going to come home any minute and chat to me.  really feeling there is nothing to look forward to at all.  we had so many plans of things we would do when we retired and we'll never do any of them now.  have managed to eat some ready meals but my stomach just never feels settled whether i eat or not.  still sleeping bits on the couch as can't face the bedroom.  the loss and pain of it all seems so unbearable.  maybe the 1 hour at a time and then 1 day is the way to go, maybe i'm expecting too much of myself too soon.  i just still cannot believe this is really happening.  love to everyone xx

I’m 19 days in, funeral on Wednesday, can’t actually believe it. I think I’ve been in a some kind of bubble that I can’t remember how that’s happened. I keep going over and over if I could have done something sooner if I’d heard him collapsing. I don’t think I will ever get that day out my head. I stayed with my daughter last night as she is worried about me and thats me putting on a brave face and ate a bit of food just to please her.i got home this afternoon to find a letter from dvla for him saying he had to get an eye test before they would decide to let him have his licence back. He got refused it on medical reasons for last 3 years. This letter would have cheered him up as it’s usually just a no from them. I had to call them up and tell them to forget it he can’t go. I said my bit then hung up crying again. I thought I was having a better day till I got back into this house alone again. I don’t think I can go even an hour without crying in this house. Feel like packing a bag and shutting the door on this house for good.. I need to think about moving home to nearer my family but also sad to be leaving where he loved to stay. Xx

Well, I survived the 1 month mark. 
4 weeks without him. 
28 days of empty mornings, empty nights. 
Full days of “sadmin”, manic cleaning, gardening (when I can get past him not seeing what I plant with his not so helpful suggestions).

It’s these damn catch 22s.

I love my garden, but what’s the point if he won’t enjoy it. But I still love pottering. 
I love looking at his pictures, kissing 1 particular photo when I get up / go to bed / go out / get in. But when I do I ache for his real kiss. To see the smile grow, widen and light his eyes. So I don’t want to look at his pictures. 
I don’t want to go to our empty bed at night as it means another day has passed without him. But when I do get to bed I don’t want to get up as it means another day ahead without him. 
I want to walk in the woods and along the seafront as the sounds and smells centre me. But we would walk for hours together, and I can’t enjoy these walks without his hand in mine. 

The list is so long.  

I have started art therapy. An unofficial group at our local cafe for people with stress, depression, bereavement, anxiety etc. No judgement on why you are there or what you do. 
I just splodge paint . But it’s very relaxing. One of them suggested colouring books. Wasn’t sure, but tried it tonight and lost myself for about 2 hours! 

Anyway, hugs to you all xx