12 weeks of missing my husband and each day gets harder. I need his arms around me.. I need to see him shrug his shoulders the way he always did..I need to have him wink at me ... I even need to hear him fart and giggle like a schoolboy!
How is it possible to miss someone so deeply that normality seems suspended?
My (Our ) home is up for sale, christmas, his birthday and our wedding anniversary are all this month... and I want to scream. I see no one to speak to face to face as family live miles away and Covid stops visits. I have hardly been out of the house since last Christmas (a handful of hospital visits and his funeral). I speak to daughter every day on phone but struggle to talk and it's not the same as having my husband walk through the door coming home from work and chatting to me.
Writing cards and letters but signing just my name, cooking too much food as I cannot get used to cooking for one (then eating it all myself) spending an hour starting a jigsaw...only to angrily throw it back in the box!
I feel I am going slowly mad. With no oblivion of sleep because I seem to have lost the ability to shut my self down to sleep. I'm on edge, waiting and watching for my other half to come back to me.
I don't mind hugs off the right people. I went back to work in lockdown so hugs weren't allowed there which I was glad about because I would've just cried and made a tit of myself 
in front of people!! I wear Colins watch, wedding ring and aftershave every day and even now into 36 weeks without him I still tell him I love him at loads of different times of the day.
I too put my defences up and wearing a mask at work helps disguise the fact that I am still really sad to have lost my prince/hero and bestest friend I ever had 
All his stuff is still where it was in April- its not in the way so there it will stay for now!
I send virtual hugs to those who want them, meant in the warmest way xx
