Surreal and struggling

Oh! Lilly ,it is so very difficult to come to terms with our great loss. I am the same My Hubby is never far from my thoughts . Whatever I'm doing I think of him. After caring for him for decades due to other bad health conditions ,and having to always put him first ,now he's no longer here I don't know what to do without him. Don't worry about the talking to him ,I think we all still do that and in some ways it helps. You aren't going crazy ,though it really does feel like it as we are coping with so many mixed emotions. And it's quite Overwhelming most of the time. Not everyone does manage to cry. The first weeks ,even months we are in shock. Our mind is trying to protect us. You may be functioning on Auto pilot. I know I was ,Just going around in a daze. Feeling like I was in someone else's body ,everything in slow motion. The flashbacks and reliving the past over and over can be very upsetting. Crying is actually a release for me when the pain becomes too much. I hope you have family / friends who can support you. Ask for counselling if not already getting some . It is much needed and helpful.  It sounds like you do need to release some of your pain with a good cry. I can cry at the drop of a hat now and have cried every day without fail. Sometimes much more than others. Try not to hold your emotions in . It does no good at all. 

Thank you for your reply.  I am sorry that you have also had to go through horrendous illness and at the end there is no one there.  I find it difficult not having to do the caring any more.  I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to do it. We had a future planned out and it’s taken away.  He was my soulmate and I am angry that our happiness is gone.  

Lily,

 8 weeks is still very early for you.  You are stil in survival mode. I'm over 15 months, I still talk to Sue. I even ask her if I like stuff when I'm food shopping ( hopefully in my head). At night I thank her for being my wife and that I love her.  Pictures, music can still make me smile or cry. For a while I kept thinking She was going to walk through the door, even when I got the ashes. It's all normal part of the grieving. Don't worry, just try and look after yourself. 

Take care 

Hello Lilly,

So sorry for your loss but as most are saying here myself included, it is very early days for you and your head will be all over the place and you will be experiencing all sorts of emotions. Shock, disbelief, anger to name just a few. I get the thing about crying I couldn't do that either the tears just wouldn't come but I cried buckets when my hubby was going through his treatment. I am 3 years in from losing Jay next month (June 23rd) he fought his cancer for 2 and half years and took everything they could throw at him until he could take no more. Taking sepsis 4 times didn't help either and it was that and the cancer that just finished him in the end. He went into remission at one stage but it `came back for him` 5 months later. Just keep coming here when you feel the need to. We are all a good bunch and a good support for each other and can all relate to what each other is going through on this horrible journey and most of all we all `get it` when you feel those around you don't and you can't talk to immediate friends and relatives. Look after yourself and take care. 

Vicky x

No I never regretted having given up so much to care for my Hubby. He could be hard work at times , sometimes it felt like I was living with Jekyl and Hyde but knowing how he suffered day after day with little respite I had to make allowances . Sometimes I wondered if he resented me for keeping him here because he didn't want to leave me and our family. Yes  we feel redundant now our role as carer has ended through no choice of our own . I still say out loud " What am I gonna do ? " I think they were the first words I said after I watched him take his last breath. And I've said it many times during the last year. I am still very angry ..with myself because I still cannot convince myself I did enough to stop him dying. Even the Doctor told me yesterday that is a lie my Brain was telling me . Angry at the Ineptitude of the Doctors who I believe gave up on him. And Angry at him for not telling me how bad it had got . Yes we have all been robbed of a Future we thought was ours . After all we went through ,especially the suffering our loved ones endured..we have nothing to show for it .. it still ended badly. 

Today I talked to a neighbour who lost his wife suddenly 3 years ago. My husband died 8 months ago, 3 years after his diagnosis. We shared our stories and it felt so good to be open and honest with someone who understood grief and loss. I get tired of talking to people who have no idea what this feels like, who have no idea how desperately lonely I am, or just how much I wish I could just disappear. Julia Samuel the grief writer says it isn't time that heals, it's what you do with that time. I think talking to someone who understands is crucial. Being with people who allow your grief, not those who keep urging you to 'move on', or try to make you feel better. On bad days my life feels like living hell. On bad days I can't see how anyone is meant to do this. Thank goodness not all days are like that, but sometimes having someone to hear your pain is all that gets you through. When there's no one at the end of the phone, that someone is here. Somewhere that shows me other people are where I am. Thank goodness I found them.

I agree it is like a living Hell. I'm doing what I can to focus on getting the back of the house back to the garden it should be for the dogs. Some shady spots and take away the pebbles and put down a lawn which I know they will love . My big boy Mastin X just laid out flat on the cool grass in the park and rolled around like a big Pup. I'm trying to get the important things done in the house ,though I have little enthusiasm for it. Having 3 windows replaced next week. They are disgusting and on the side of one the plastic fell off and I could see straight through to the outside . So  I stuck foam in for the meantime. Then I need to save up for 3 more and the outer doors to be replaced before next Winter. I know what you mean about talking to someone who understands . Only those of us who have lost someone so precious understand . I've stopped trying to explain how bad it is. When My Mum or elder sister ask how I am I change the subject . I don't want to bring them down. They just say try not to be too sad. How the Hell can we be Happy without the one we love by our side ? Do try to get on the next zoom with Tracey so we can talk . I got an assessment call from Mental Health who are going to try some Therapy with me . It was a man .. I prefer to speak with a Woman really. I find it difficult to open up to another Man. My Hubby was really the only Man I could open up to . But he was spot on when he asked If I thought " What's the point of being here now "? Because I often think that. I have to think about who needs me here now. My family  and my dogs.  I so wish none of us needed to be here . I wish i could turn back the clock knowing what I know now and maybe things would have been different ...If I could have, would have or should have done things differently to change the outcome .  I hope for better days to come for us all ...Eventually. X